So today I'm just kind of feeling really down. I woke up late this morning, threw on something that was probably dirty, sloppily did my makeup and didn't do shit to my hair. I ran out the door with a breakfast shake still in my mouth, my shoes half on, and I didn't have my homework or lunch money. Half asleep, I climbed onto the bus, my legs in great pain from the night before. The whole day has been a sleepy blur, I stabbed myself in the palm with a blue pen, so that's news I guess.
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Monday, January 31, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
MeantToLive
I have had the flu since Thursday. It really sucks, I've been pretty much bed-ridden, forcing myself to drink Theraflu after Theraflu.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
SomebodyToldMe
So, I wrote something totally cheesy to one of my teachers... yeah, ONE OF MY TEACHERS. She really changed my life and I just... I don't know, I was in her class today and I felt like I just needed to write something...anything... about her.
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
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