I currently feel rather shitty.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
