I feel like I am constantly transforming from one person, to another. One personality to another. My brain is always going, always working. Trying to remember, trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to plot revenge... It goes on and on, as a machine refusing to run out of power.
Too much is on my mind. Things that won't be laid to rest for a long time, I know. Some things that won't ever be solved.
I started thinking about the future, how things will change, and people I know will begin to disappear from my life. Some people already are. They are leaving in the most different of ways. They are all slowly drifting away from me. I can't really complain though, it's just how life is.
I've also been thinking a lot about my biological father. Who is he, REALLY? What are his morals, REALLY? What are his secrets? I don't know anything about him, yet we share blood. How did that come to be? He left his family. He loved his job more than he loved us, so that was the end and the new beginning for my sister and mother and I.
The truth is, sometime within the next 4 or 5 years, I know, I KNOW, something happened. I just don't know what. I've been repressing my memories Sometimes violent images of what might have happened bombard my dreams, the faceless demon forever haunts my nights.
And, besides the fact that I know, I know he knows. I know it. If only I could get him to confess to me, without any questions from me.
Tragically, I don't think I will ever get it out of him.
I'm kind of scared that he'll die, and I'll regret not getting to know him. But honestly, I've TRIED. I've really tried hard. He just doesn't WANT to be my DAD. He's just a shadow in my life. So I don't know what to do as far as he goes.
I found out some... shocking information about someone very close to me. I won't say any more than that, but that is one thing that won't be solved for a while. I have to solve it on my own, the others aren't willing to help.
I wish people would understand me. Sometimes, I can't control what I feel or think or even do. Sometimes I'm in a crazy, hyperactive state. Other times I am in a hazy, foggy, tired daze. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but I don't like it.
Mother is sending me some stuff on Tuesday. I'm excited to get it. There's some PMS stuff in there that I am really looking forward to having!!! I get awful PMS.
Well, I think that is about all I want to say here, I'll get back to you soon. Probably.
~LadyWar~
