TheFeelAgain

Things have happened that I never wish happened. I left Sunshine, I moved back with my family. I don't know what to feel, or what to think. I'm afraid he hates me, that's my biggest fear right now. I get sick thinking of what I've done, I can't eat. Is it too soon to know if I'm truly happier here? I'll give it awhile, even if I'm not happy here, he won't take me back. Not after what I've said, what I've done, what I haven't done. At least I tried to communicate with him, try to keep the hate from boiling within him. But I understand if he hates me, I would too. I just wish that if he did hate me, he'd at least tell me. Ignoring me is the worst pain. It isn't worse than knowing I'll never have him again. It feels like a part of me has died, will the phoenix rise from the ashes? I suppose it is too soon to tell. At least I'm not alone here. Although, being alone is what I wish for right now. I know that it's best if I'm not left alone though. The worst thing is... Have I cried since I left? No. Have I even stopped to think that this is a horrible mistake? No, not really. I know that for right now, this is what is best for me. I need help, I need education, I need somewhere new. I probably WILL be happier here, eventually. But at the expense of losing him? I don't know. I feel horrible. I up and left within a matter of two hours. I just left. I didn't say anything to anyone, none of my friends, no one. I feel awful for that. I was just such a mess, I couldn't think of doing anything besides getting away before I changed my mind. All of my big accomplishments, all of the things I'm oh so very proud of, everything that made me keep on going, was thanks to him. What have I done? He's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, he's gotten me through so much, I don't know what to do without him. I still catch myself calling out his name when I see something funny, or think of a silly joke. Why didn't I just stay? Why didn't I just wait 2 measly years? I lied, I said I was interested in seeing other people. I'm not. I can't imagine being with anyone else, ever. I love him, with a glorious love, and I just want him to know how truly sorry I am. I hope that someday, we can both come to forgive me. Signing off for a while again, LadyWar