Graduation

Well, this weekend, I graduated high school. My mother came into town, I've missed her dearly. We got to spend a lot of time together and I feel like a lot of my hurt feelings were mended, which is awesome. I dunno, it's weird. Her and I can communicate without even talking, and we just have that special mom-daughter connection that I feel like not a whole lot of people these days get to experience. Parents are always pressuring their kids to do this or do that, believe this or believe that, it's ridiculous. My mother wants us to be ourselves. She supports us no matter what we choose, and I want to do the same for her. I know that she is going through a tough time, we all are. But she is very lost, and I need to let her know that I am there for her. A big part of my life has just passed me with graduation. I am no longer that highschool teenager. I'm a graduate. Most of my classmates I'll never see again. Ever. And that makes me sad, yet happy. Some of those kids I NEVER want to see again!!!! HA! Anyway, I'm very grateful to those who have helped me through high school, through all the obstacles. It's been great, it's been fun, but now it's over. It goes fast. To those of you reading that just want to get it over with, that's what you feel now, but soon (too soon) it'll all be gone. It'll all vanish before your very eyes. So cherish these moments while you can, before you are shoved into the real world.

Martyrs

Well. Watched this movie last night called "Martyrs". Pretty fucked up, but surprisingly good. It kinda makes me worry about the kind of people who I'm sharing the world with!!! We're going out to eat tonight, just Sunshine, his mom and I. I haven't really eaten a lot the past few days, so I'm really looking forward to going out to eat. There's no food in this house. :( Well. Not much else to say here. I can't wait for graduation and to see my mom. We have a lot of catching up to do... I do really wish I could see my sister though. I really miss her. I guess I gotta wait though.

Hazy

I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm very grateful for people in my life, even if they aren't really in my life anymore. The title of this blog has a deeper meaning. The song "Hazy" by Rosi Golan is what inspired me to write this post. I LOVE Sunshine. He's done so much for me. He truly knows how to fix me when I fall and hurt myself. He knows where to find me when I lose myself. He reminds me who I am when I forget who I am. He's amazing and I am so lucky to have him. I don't know where I'd be without him. As this final year of high school comes to a close, the feelings are bittersweet. I am excited to finally be done, but a huge part of me is still holding on. And I'm sure I'll continue to hold on for a while. This is all I've known for the past four years of my life, it's gonna be hard adjusting. Okay, I can't stop thinking about her. I love her to death. She's absolutely amazing, and I want to make sure she knows that. I haven't seen her in three years... oh god I'm gonna start crying... I haven't seen her in 3 years, we're thousands of miles apart, and yet she's my best friend. She cares. She stuck with me through EVERYTHING, when everyone else betrayed me and left. She came before anyone here. I'm just SO glad that the distance hasn't killed our friendship. She knows me inside and out and she could always put me back together. She's gorgeous and strong and smart and just amazing. I can't imagine my life without her. "Because without you, things go hazy."

MissingTime

I feel like I am constantly transforming from one person, to another. One personality to another. My brain is always going, always working. Trying to remember, trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to plot revenge... It goes on and on, as a machine refusing to run out of power.

Too much is on my mind. Things that won't be laid to rest for a long time, I know. Some things that won't ever be solved.

I started thinking about the future, how things will change, and people I know will begin to disappear from my life. Some people already are. They are leaving in the most different of ways. They are all slowly drifting away from me. I can't really complain though, it's just how life is.

I've also been thinking a lot about my biological father. Who is he, REALLY? What are his morals, REALLY? What are his secrets? I don't know anything about him, yet we share blood. How did that come to be? He left his family. He loved his job more than he loved us, so that was the end and the new beginning for my sister and mother and I.
The truth is, sometime within the next 4 or 5 years, I know, I KNOW, something happened. I just don't know what. I've been repressing my memories Sometimes violent images of what might have happened bombard my dreams, the faceless demon forever haunts my nights.
And, besides the fact that I know, I know he knows. I know it. If only I could get him to confess to me, without any questions from me.
Tragically, I don't think I will ever get it out of him.
I'm kind of scared that he'll die, and I'll regret not getting to know him. But honestly, I've TRIED. I've really tried hard. He just doesn't WANT to be my DAD. He's just a shadow in my life. So I don't know what to do as far as he goes.

I found out some... shocking information about someone very close to me. I won't say any more than that, but that is one thing that won't be solved for a while. I have to solve it on my own, the others aren't willing to help.

I wish people would understand me. Sometimes, I can't control what I feel or think or even do. Sometimes I'm in a crazy, hyperactive state. Other times I am in a hazy, foggy, tired daze. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but I don't like it.

Mother is sending me some stuff on Tuesday. I'm excited to get it. There's some PMS stuff in there that I am really looking forward to having!!! I get awful PMS.

Well, I think that is about all I want to say here, I'll get back to you soon. Probably.

~LadyWar~

Levels

So, today the little group I'm involved in went to a high elements ropes course, it was really fun! I learned a lot and got to talk to people I don't usually talk to. It was nice to kind of step out of that little box I call a comfort zone.
Also, applied to the shopping center across the street, I'm really hoping I get the job. Sunshine also applied, and he has ALREADY gotten a call back and asked to come in for an interview! Wow! Jeez! If only they had that much of a desire to hire someone like ME :P
Also, I donated blood on Monday. Strange experience. Donated a pint in three minutes, fastest time all day, and almost passed out from losing that much blood so quickly! Haha! But I think it's something I'd do again. If only I could control the speed of the flow of my blood!
Now I shall vent a little. Complain, if you will. Lol. This is to a "friend" that I no longer really talk to anymore.
Hey, I just wanted to say hi. We don't really talk anymore, which is sad. I feel like I'm just completely left out of the loop everywhere I go, and I guess that's my fault. I don't take the initiative to say anything or start things with anyone. And when I do it's just awkward and boring and I never know what to do or say. I guess I'm just an awkward person. I have found myself becoming concerned for my friends' well being and their future. Which also bothers me. I don't think that I need to flood myself with worries if those people I'm worried about don't want help and don't care. I dunno. I guess I'm just venting. But I know I can tell you things, even though we never really talk. I miss the old days, when we didn't have to worry, when I didn't feel insignificant in peoples' lives. I mean I know I'm everything to Sunshine, and he's my everything, it's just I'm lacking in the "Friends" division. I mean yeah, sure, I have "friends". But people I can talk to? People I can open up to? Not so much. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is 3000 miles away. I love her to death and it pains me to even think about how much I miss her..
That's all I'll write on that. I will probably not even say all that to her. Maybe just hi. I dunno. Whatever.
Time goes by so quickly, people need to enjoy the good times, and learn from the bad.

Thanks for being patient with me. :)

Dreams

I walked into the barn house. Mother waited anxiously, for what I did not know. I sit with her. Soon, we hear the rumble of Dad's truck, and a trailer pulling behind it. We run outside. It is cloudy, slightly chilly, snow is beginning to fall. I look outside at our land. We have a barn area attached to the house, that is covered. Across the dirt road is a small pond with a stream. In the pond is a beaver den... I decide to take a closer look later.
Dad opens up the trailer, and out walks a wobbly, long-legged brown calf. She was beautiful. We lead her into the barn area and decided to name her Bessie. Original I know. She was like a dog, she was so sweet. As time went on, we began easing her in to being a dairy cow. Dad decided to buy a bull, a huge, strong black bull. As he was on his way to get the bull, I decided to finally go investigate the beaver den.
I made my way across the frozen pond to the den. As I got closer, I found a door. A door on a beaver den? Suspicious. I open it up, the inside is radiating heat, is fully lit, and has bookshelves, a chandelier, a full furniture set. I'm baffled. There are no beavers in this den!
I sit on the couch, and take in my surroundings. It's like the world outside completely disappeared.
"Thought you'd find this place soon."
I jumped at the voice, and turned towards it. There stood a raggedy blonde girl. She was probably 20, had waist-length hair, it was wavy and a bit frizzy. After her followed a 20 year old man. He had shoulder-length straight smooth hair, and was six and a half feet tall.
I was speechless. They both snickered and whispered about me. After a while, they told me to get up and follow them. We were going somewhere.
Where could we possibly go from a BEAVER DEN?
They walked into a door. I followed.
All of the sudden, I felt as though I was stretched, pulled, shrank, and dissolved all at the same time. All around me was grey, black, and blue. In an instant, I was in a house I'd never been in before. The couple was standing, waiting for me. They told me to explore, and go through other doors if I wanted, but I had to remember which doors I went through, and I should avoid picking the "wrong" doors. Whatever that meant.
I walked down some stairs. the house was mostly empty, painted white, made of wood. I found a chest, painted white as well. I opened it, and a dark mist surrounded me. I heard heavy breathing, and a demonic threatening voice invaded my ears.
"You picked wrong. Try again before its too late..."
I panicked, and slammed the chest door closed.
I continued exploring, and found another door.
After several changes through these portal doors, I arrived at some sort of fancy wal-mart. Cool stuff. I wanted a new fish. But I needed at least a 75 gallon tank. I went to the pet department. They had a ton of tanks out on display. The deal posted was, "1 dollar per gallon!" Wow, that's a great deal. I started looking at these set up aquariums. They had fish, and everything in them. Just so you could see what they looked like outside the box.
Problem was, all of the fish were either dying or dead. They were all brilliant colors one minute, and the next they were brownish black, and dead, laying at the bottom of these gorgeous tanks.
There was one fish though, in a 96 gallon tank. He was about 9 inches long, and looked kind of threatening. He was ugly, mostly brown, and looked like he had drippings of himself hanging off of him. Apparently, he was the main attraction. He had a sign above him telling about how active and lively a fish he was. I looked at the fish. There was a machine used to feed him, but there was no other decoration in the tank itself. To feed the fish, you'd insert ten cents into a slot, and some food would dump into his tank. All that fish did was sit on the bottom of that tank and wait for food to drop to him. He'd eat some, but throw the rest back up. It was really sad. I fell in love with this fish and he was so lifeless, so unloved by everyone else despite the signs...
When I finally made my way back to the beaver den, Bessie was full-grown, and pregnant with a calf. Her and the bull stayed together in a small pasture, Bessie was so happy to see me.
It began to snow, ever so lightly. Even though I knew I should stay home with my parents and the farm, I realized I could go anywhere with that beaver den and those doors. So I went back into the den, and woke up.

Lisztomania

It's almost the end of the year, so I'm going to take a review of this year, rant a little about random stuff, then tell you about my new year's resolutions, which I intend to keep. Which everyone always says... :)

I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)

I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.

I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.

Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.

Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.

Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.

Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!

Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.

Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.

Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.

Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.

Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.

Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.

With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.


----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3