IHaveADreamToo

For once in my life, I feel like I have a good idea, a realistic idea of what I'm going to do with my life. Then, of course, things have to bombard in on me and make my plans freak out and swim upsidedown in circles.

I'm lost, I'm confused. My tummy is starting to hurt and I just don't want to figure anything out anymore.

I'll try not to be such a negative girl though.
Things with Protector and I seemed to be getting fixed. But now, I don't know. I might not ever hear from him again and I don't think I can handle that. See now I'm being negative again.
I don't know what else to do though! I just wish it was easy. Love should be easy. And it was for a while. But now things are complicated. When substance abuse and life's dreams come into play, it just seems like he can't handle it. And I really really wish it would work. I love him so much.

I'm just lost, I guess.
I'll just listen to my Blue October to calm me. Make me sane again. Time heals all wounds... until they are re opened.

Pieces

Ya know, there are certain songs that remind me of certain people. Like how that song The Birds And The Bees by Breathe Carolina reminds me of Justin Timberlake every time I listen to it...?
Or how whenever I listen to The Gift by Angels & Airwaves I think of Snowflake?
Or whenever I hear the song Sleep by My Chemical Romance I almost want to cry because it reminds me of Protector.
Pieces by Red reminds me of Finn.
Follow Me by Uncle Kracker reminds me of Wanderer.
I could go on and on with these, but I won't.

It seems like things with Protector are more or less fixed...ish. I don't know. I'm still completely lost as to what I should do. I love him, but... I don't know. Maybe... Just... I don't know.

I occupy my days with driver's ed, naps, movies, and flash games online. It seems like a pretty boring existence right? I mean half the day I'm debating whether or not to call people and actually find something, anything to do. But, problem is, everyone I talk to doesn't live here. It kind of sucks...Ok it really sucks. But oh well, maybe I'll just... go out tonight and play Frisbee or something. I'm not sure.

Do you notice that I'm not really sure about anything? I just noticed that and it's starting to bug me. "Oh should I do this? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know..." "Oh should I give this person a call and talk? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know...". SERIOUSLY I NEED TO MAKE UP MY FREAKING MIND.

IsThisReallyHappening?

Now is one of those times I just want to give up on life. If you ask, yes, I'm going through a relapse. Roads of fuuuun ahead. Protector and I got into a fight and he isn't thinking right. He isn't using his head, or listening to his heart. I know that heart of his. It's bright and understanding. Complete and pure. Apparently, not anymore. That's how he's acting. I really am hoping that he'll realize.

Ok, I hope I'm not being too obsessive or whatnot. Oh well. It'll be alright...maybe.

Sorry this post is so empty. Kinda don't have a whole lot to say. I'm sorry.

HeyHeyYouYou

So a few days ago I went to float the river. The Colorado River. It flows pretty slowly and smoothly. I wore a bikini, and my tummy got rather sun burnt. I keep itching at it because it's peeling and it hurts so bad.

I'm starting to talk to Wanderer more and more lately. It's really quite entertaining.
Protector and I seem to be drifting apart, which makes me sad.

OK, so when I was at the river I wore a band around my right wrist and of course it got sunburned. So I have a white strip on my wrist. Every time I go into public I have to wear bracelets, it's really embarrassing.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say, sorry it's so short.

Until next time, LadyWar

Sorry

So, imagine something for me. Something a bit strange. Imagine you go your whole life up until now not having an idea of WHAT you were. You knew you had to be something, you just didn't know what.
You always noticed you were a bit different from others of "your kind", more mature, growing faster, whatever you want. But you're different.
Now, you finally know what you are, and it seems impossible. Nobody has ever even proposed anything like this to you before, but it makes complete sense. Only thing is, there's probably not even a thousand of you in your entire country.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been a bit busy with my life. I've had driver's ed. It's so boring, I don't know how many times I am going to say that through the next few weeks. But, I got my little green ticket to get my permit.

I met this guy, his name's Gage. He's really cool, and we share A LOT of things in common. Best part is, he goes to my school. And he's in my grade. I don't know, it's kind of nice to have a friend now. I haven't had a real friend in over a year live by me so I hope our friendship continues. But it won't progress into something more than friendship, I wouldn't agree to that.

Wanderer and I have been talking again lately. Obviously he doesn't hate me anymore. And I don't hate him. But, that doesn't mean we get along all the time.

So I was surfing the web today and I decided I'd go to a website that I see commercials for all the time on TV. Its called abovetheinfluence.com. It's really really cool and It kind of inspired me to write a poem. It had little prompty things, and I used a few of their keywords, but it's my poem and I made it up. Here it is.

I asked talk with me, too many times.
Can you hear me?
It's scary. Your denial and excuses...
You never know I'm scared.
Why do you do this?
You are my friend.
I've come to your rescue. I'm still here for you.
I love you...
Do you hear me?
Don't you care?
Do you really need it?
Your eyes told me, "I'm scared".
Talk with me.
If I ask you to stop...
Live above the pressure...
Live above the influence...
Live your life...
Will you stop?

Anyway, I had a long day, had to deal with a lot. So until next time.

TeenageDream

Today's entry will be rather short.

Happiness this morning, minus the driver's ed.

Went shopping to about five different clothes places, drove all over the city looking for these places....

Bought undies, shorts, and shirts all for under $60.

Came home, I was pissy for a while.

Snowflake made me cry, not in a bad way really. I just really miss her, and that's sinking in again.

Talked briefly to Kenai, and now I'm going to sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of it lately. Not sure why.

There's a lot of things on my mind lately, I'll talk more about them tomorrow. Until later, LadyWar.

Clone,NotCologne

Well, the past, (how long has it been,) two days have been full of drama.

Magic and California broke up... maybe I already said that. Anyway, California thinks Magic cannot be faithful. I disagree, I think he is a normal teenage guy in need of a hormonal release. That sentence made me laugh.

Bird got in trouble. I was worried, of course, but he was fine. As usual.

I had driver's education today. Interesting. I saw almost and exact copy of Protector. He's in my class. It was funny, I freaked out and almost attacked him...wow that would've been really embarassing. And sad, because it's not him. I miss him so much, and this guy going around looking like him sure doesn't help.
Eagle told Swan that I saw Protector's clone. I thought he said Protector's cologne... I was thinking how he possibly could've known what cologne he wears...

Crane's sleeping over at her friends house tonight, meaning I have the room to myself tonight. It's good, because I finally get to be away from everyone's constant requests, including Crane's. It's sad because I can't stay up too late. I have driver's ed again in the morning.
Hey, maybe I'll get some talking and catching up with my friends and Protector done :)

Am I obsessing? I think I am. Should I stop? Is this bad? Oh man, now I'm thinking too hard about too many things at once.

In other news, Wanderer is back to ignoring me again. Crane's back to being pissy. California's back to complaining constantly. Bird's not mad at me anymore. Magic is ignoring me. I'm back to straightening my hair. It feels longer that way.