I'll start out this post like I start out every other post.
I need to post more :P
Something I'm learning lately is that time goes on. No matter what happens, or is in your mind or the memories you have, it won't ever happen again and time goes on. Recently it seems that time is going by too quickly. I want to savor each moment I get to enjoy, and forget the rest.
School is starting to piss me off. People are stupid and dramatic, teachers are also stupid and dramatic. We had TAKS last Tuesday (it's Texas Standardized Tests, not sure what TAKS stands for though...) and so we only had 20 minute class periods. Of course, in my spanish class the prissy little bitch of a teacher gives us three pages of translating and a worksheet. WHY!
So this is kind of becoming my second writing journal, so I'm going to put up some things I wrote in my Creative Writing journal.
This first one is an assignment I had to do for English. We had to write one page of lined paper on a creative prompt. I chose a prompt where I had to take one of my favorite songs and "Bring it to life," whatever that means. Did I succeed? I don't know, you judge. The song is Little Secrets by Passion Pit.
We all jumped together as one. The walls came crumbling. The music blew our hair back, the beats making our hearts pulse as one. No one has to know where we are, what we're doing, or who we're with. After all, you proudly shame your whole family's name.
Before this all, we were painting rainbows on my ugly face, for I built this cardboard neighborhood's disgrace.
Why can't everything be beautiful? It's the way I see everything I need, it's the way to be.
Now we're here, so let this be our little secret. Let's dance and laugh. No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. Now I feel alive, I feel it in me. Up and up, we'll keep on climbing higher and higher.
There are colors everywhere and you can't explain as your "friends" complain. None of it matters anymore, e yourself and be happy with who you are.
And now you can't help but ignore the people staring at your scars. Your mother thought once there was a power she was wielding, but you're free now.
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. I feel alive and I feel it in me, up and up we just keep climbing higher and higher.
They all tumbled into me, I shook them off of me. If the ride should bump me to oblivion, at least I'll be happy.
Ok, so there's that. Here's my second option but it's not nearly as good: The Answer by Blue October
People use my open mind and understanding, then they leave. I know them all so well, they say they know me, like I'm an open book. There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. Well that's strange because I'm an "Open book." You don't know me, you don't want me. You only come to me because no one else cares.
I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people, and the only funny thing is I don't know how to give myself advice.
I thought maybe you could be my friend, but even you betrayed me and left me. People come and go as they please, not once asking if I'm okay, or what's on my mind.
In my head, there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling: control.
You say I'm an open book, well that's just great. I'm an open book, but I'm really shy.
You're so easy, God wrapped you like a bow. Something different needs to happen, and that's the answer.
The answer is quite the opposite of who I am. I need to be careless, and live my own life.
I'm going to open up and find the answer within myself.
So that's that. I feel like this post is getting long, so I have to add my little bit of cheesyness in here.
It's our six month anniversary tomorrow, so if he reads this: Happy Anniversary Babe :) I love you
Ok, that's it I promise!
Goodnight Quiet City!
~LadyWar~
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stolen
So today I'm just kind of feeling really down. I woke up late this morning, threw on something that was probably dirty, sloppily did my makeup and didn't do shit to my hair. I ran out the door with a breakfast shake still in my mouth, my shoes half on, and I didn't have my homework or lunch money. Half asleep, I climbed onto the bus, my legs in great pain from the night before. The whole day has been a sleepy blur, I stabbed myself in the palm with a blue pen, so that's news I guess.
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
MeantToLive
I have had the flu since Thursday. It really sucks, I've been pretty much bed-ridden, forcing myself to drink Theraflu after Theraflu.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
SomebodyToldMe
So, I wrote something totally cheesy to one of my teachers... yeah, ONE OF MY TEACHERS. She really changed my life and I just... I don't know, I was in her class today and I felt like I just needed to write something...anything... about her.
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
SweetDreams
Well, SOMEONE hasn't been reminding dear old me to write. But one of my friends that reads reminded me over Christmas. :) Thank you, by the way.
I've been thinking a lot this break. Probably because of my lack of activities and my illnesses keeping me quarantined in my house. Just a guess. But I've been thinking about everything really. Who I am, what I want, where I want to go, what I want to be... What I'm GOING to be. You know, there's one answer that comes up into my mind when I ask myself all of these questions. "I don't know." My father says I'm not motivated, I am...I just don't know what to do. I would do something if I knew what to do. He starts asking me things like, "Well, what do you enjoy doing? What do you find pleasure doing?" My answer? I would say sex and drinking. But no, those aren't motivational at all. So I just say, "I don't know." What kind of career could I pursue besides a porn star and a wine critic? Gosh, I just don't know.
Wow, it's after 2am. Didn't know that. I have to wake up before one in the afternoon tomorrow because Sunshine's coming. Yay! I haven't seen him in over a week. I haven't wanted to get him sick. And I'm a mess. My hair looks like it did when I woke up, no makeup, ripped up jammies. You think I'm SOOO beautiful don't you? Yeah, he does. And it's genuine admiration, too. Not like he's trying to make me feel pretty. But almost as if... I really am beautiful.
I remember... I know I go on so much about Home and all... But I just can't stop. Like these memories and people won't stop knocking around inside my skull. Come on, it was almost two years ago. NO. If anyone takes anything from me, don't take that year. I learned so much, and experienced so much in that short amount of time.
Well, I really should go to sleep.... It's late...er... early. I don't know. Goodnight...er...morning...er... SEE YA! :)
I've been thinking a lot this break. Probably because of my lack of activities and my illnesses keeping me quarantined in my house. Just a guess. But I've been thinking about everything really. Who I am, what I want, where I want to go, what I want to be... What I'm GOING to be. You know, there's one answer that comes up into my mind when I ask myself all of these questions. "I don't know." My father says I'm not motivated, I am...I just don't know what to do. I would do something if I knew what to do. He starts asking me things like, "Well, what do you enjoy doing? What do you find pleasure doing?" My answer? I would say sex and drinking. But no, those aren't motivational at all. So I just say, "I don't know." What kind of career could I pursue besides a porn star and a wine critic? Gosh, I just don't know.
Wow, it's after 2am. Didn't know that. I have to wake up before one in the afternoon tomorrow because Sunshine's coming. Yay! I haven't seen him in over a week. I haven't wanted to get him sick. And I'm a mess. My hair looks like it did when I woke up, no makeup, ripped up jammies. You think I'm SOOO beautiful don't you? Yeah, he does. And it's genuine admiration, too. Not like he's trying to make me feel pretty. But almost as if... I really am beautiful.
I remember... I know I go on so much about Home and all... But I just can't stop. Like these memories and people won't stop knocking around inside my skull. Come on, it was almost two years ago. NO. If anyone takes anything from me, don't take that year. I learned so much, and experienced so much in that short amount of time.
Well, I really should go to sleep.... It's late...er... early. I don't know. Goodnight...er...morning...er... SEE YA! :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
NewPerspective
So, again, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I either forget to, or don't have time to...most of the time it's the first one.
So I haven't been allowed at Sunshine's place for a while, won't talk too much about that, it's a long and complicated story. But basically Swan overreacted because I overreacted, and the end result just... wasn't good. But on Saturday, I was allowed to go over there, and I was happy. I missed having one on one time with him. He's a sweetheart, as usual, giving me everything I want (well everything he CAN give me XD).
California has news. She's gone lesbian. Not sure how to take this, so I'll just support her through it. Her and Magic broke up for good now, I think. Now that she's lesbian, she won't be going back to him, which honestly makes me relieved. He didn't deserve her, he was way too confusing. And he well... lives in another continent on the other side of the earth and all...
So this week is finals week, and then we have Christmas Break for two weeks!!! YAY!!! But not yay for finals week. Tomorrow I have two finals, one of which I'm sure I won't do well on: the easy one is English, the hard one is Algebra II. Fun fun fun....
I haven't been writing too much in my journal for Creative Writing lately. Not sure why. But I wrote a few things in there today. I wrote a short story based on a dream I had. I wrote a list of 30 Things California would never do. I then wrote a story about a girl who doesn't drink sitting in a bar, when a drunk man sits next to her and insists on telling her about "The Truth," and the other one was just random lines from songs I was listening to, and it again turned out well.
I'm excited to get my guitar for Christmas... teehee :)
Uhmmm... I think that is it for now. I'll TRY to post again soon. <3
So I haven't been allowed at Sunshine's place for a while, won't talk too much about that, it's a long and complicated story. But basically Swan overreacted because I overreacted, and the end result just... wasn't good. But on Saturday, I was allowed to go over there, and I was happy. I missed having one on one time with him. He's a sweetheart, as usual, giving me everything I want (well everything he CAN give me XD).
California has news. She's gone lesbian. Not sure how to take this, so I'll just support her through it. Her and Magic broke up for good now, I think. Now that she's lesbian, she won't be going back to him, which honestly makes me relieved. He didn't deserve her, he was way too confusing. And he well... lives in another continent on the other side of the earth and all...
So this week is finals week, and then we have Christmas Break for two weeks!!! YAY!!! But not yay for finals week. Tomorrow I have two finals, one of which I'm sure I won't do well on: the easy one is English, the hard one is Algebra II. Fun fun fun....
I haven't been writing too much in my journal for Creative Writing lately. Not sure why. But I wrote a few things in there today. I wrote a short story based on a dream I had. I wrote a list of 30 Things California would never do. I then wrote a story about a girl who doesn't drink sitting in a bar, when a drunk man sits next to her and insists on telling her about "The Truth," and the other one was just random lines from songs I was listening to, and it again turned out well.
I'm excited to get my guitar for Christmas... teehee :)
Uhmmm... I think that is it for now. I'll TRY to post again soon. <3
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