Shut up, I know. It's been a while. Whatever. I can post when I want, and I don't need to post when I don't want to. Right? :)
I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but to the few of you that actually read this or those of you who stumble upon it, if you feel like you're going to be offended, DON'T READ IT. Simple. It's MY blog, MY stuff, My thoughts, MINE. Not yours. So I don't care how you feel about what I do or do not write.
A lot has been going on lately, I'm not sure what I mentioned in my last entry, but I'll just tell you what's happening, then I may or may not go into detail. Depending on what I'm feelin'.
So starting about a week and a half ago, my mother had started acting strange towards me. Any time she caught me alone, she would bitch me out for ANYTHING she found fit. ANYTHING. It was kind of ridiculous. Then when I went over to Sunshine's one day, she tightened her...we'll call it her "parental grip" on me. She ordered me to do this, not to do that. She claimed to have never said things that we all know she said. I was confused and lost, I'd done nothing wrong, but here I was being called "manipulative" and a "liar". ME?! Aww whatever. She made me walk home the first night, 3.5 miles at 10pm, I might add. The second night she agreed to pick me up. She of course bitched me out the entire ride home, not asking how I was, what I did, how my day went. Anything.
So that's what started this.
People have been telling me I'm acting different. I don't know, maybe I am. But it's not just one person who is telling me that. Well, maybe a little exploration of what happened between last weekend and now will open all our eyes. Shall we explore?
Monday was pretty fine. Skipped school with Sunshine, it was his birthday.
That's the night that mother bitched me out on the way home, I do believe.
Tuesday I think I received some news. Unsettling news. I don't think I'll go into detail about that... But it's about my mom. I might go into it in the form of a letter I wrote to her, one of those ones she'll never get. Later though, later.
Wednesday I was dead tired, had to take TAKS tests. Stupid standardized tests. I'm sure I told you about them earlier sometime. Took about three hours. Strangely exhausted me the rest of the day. Not sure what else happened that day.
Thursday... still not sure what happened most of the day, but I had TAKS.
Friday....had TAKS again. Sunshine got my hopes up, thought he might get to spend much needed time with me, he couldn't go to his friend's house. I was the "back up plan", basically. Which makes me feel great.
Especially since he found plans with his long-lost friend an hour away. He's staying the night and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, I have separation anxiety. It sucks.
I guess I'm most angry about him leaving because I'm jealous. I wish I could re-unite with my long-lost friends... With all my heart. Well, mostly Snowflake... but still. I love you Snowflake :) if you're reading this.
On top of all that happening though, I had to babysit. Which normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but Crane wasn't here and Sunshine was gone, and what's happening with my mom just made me dread the whole night.
So here I am. What to do now, what to do.
OH! I'm reading a new book. It's about 400 pages long. I'm so addicted to it. I checked it out yesterday morning and I'm only 15 short pages from being done with it. It's GREAT. It's sexy, insane, slightly innocent in a way, edge-of-your-seat good! It's called "Nightshade". I can't tell you what it's about, it'll spoil it ;)
Now, I don't know if I already posted this last year, but I'm going to post it again. I just found it in my nightstand, and I thought it was pretty good. It's not great. But it's pretty good. Here goes...
May 22, 2010
She smiled. I'd known her my whole life.
But this was different.
Her eyes were ablaze with that of faked happiness and calm.
No, not faked. But mimicked.
They made her like this.
They made me worried.
There were too many of them too often.
I felt lost by her sudden reliance on them.
She didn't need them.
We'd all seen her go without them
Ignore them.
But they've come back,
So strong now.
I'm sensitive,
Breathing through a straw is what it's like,
Adrenaline in your veins constantly is what it's like,
Sadness forever occupying your heart is what ti's like.
Hide the pain.
Hide the worry.
Hide the concern.
Hide it all.
Fake a smile,
A laugh if you must.
Don't tell her.
It'll be alright,
Maybe.
But this time,
It's different.
Alright, there went that. If you're going, "What the hell was that ABOUT, Kay?" Well, this might explain it. It might not. Either way, after this, I'm done. No more.
April 27, 2011
This is another one of those letters you'll never get. I just need to get things off my chest. Things I just can't tell you. A lot of this will seem out of order, but it's ok, right? You're my mommy, you'll understand, right? No, probably not, but I love you.
I've been in a lot of mental and emotional pain lately. A lot of stuff has been happening. It honestly feels like you're turning your back on me. I don't feel GOOD. I don't feel HAPPY. I don't feel SUPPORTED.
It seems that whenever you catch me alone, all you do is bitch me out. About anything. You falsely accuse me of "manipulation". Why would I do that to you? Lie to you like that? And yet, you still make me feel hated.
Only 17 days ago you gave me a coin. The pure, simple meaning of it is 9 months of sobriety.
Sorry, I'm writing fast.
To me, that little purple coin means so much more than 9 months of sobriety. It means a promise. A promise not only to stay sober, but to continue to care, love, nourish, understand, trust. I carried that coin around with me constantly.
Yesterday, you told me you were going to start drinking again. Besides that, you were already smoking regularly.
Quite honestly, my heart broke. You game me the same old speech of, "I've done research, I'll limit myself, I won't get bad..." all these things we all know are lies. You're stressed, you want to drown your feelings...
Mommy, I'm scared. I love you.
I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to be mom to the ones who are too young to understand They just got out of the habit of calling me "Mom"...
You're going to get hurt, you're going to lose yourself. We all know it, and I already see it happening.
I'm sorry, I love you.
That's it, I'm done. Goodnight, Quiet City
Never gonna quit fighting,
-LadyWar
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
ThePromise
We all know what I'm going to say, so I won't say it. I'm just going to jump right into things.
I recently celebrated my 7 month mark with Sunshine. I hope it lasts forever.
There has been quite a bit of drama, originating from my end. I overreact a lot and dismiss things I do that I know can't be right. But I'm working on it. I promised I'd try, and I am trying. It's hard though. To change how I've always,always been around people. You know how that can be? I figured you would...cuz...you're a blog. :P
Now I'm going to get into my creative writing portion. Just letting you know, most of this isn't creative at all. We've had these study halls in school every day and I have nothing better to do so I write. I've written several pages, so this might be a long one. Oh well. :)
Once again, if one of you feels like you MAY be offended in any way by reading these, just don't read them because I'm not sensoring myself for your selfish comfort. K?
Monday, April 11. 1:43pm
"Things About Friends"
Do you know what it feels like, not having anyone? You take your friends for granted, you aren't eternally grateful every time you call your friend, tell her all your troubles and worries. You go to the mall with her, watch movies with her, gossip, cry, sleep over, share secrets.
I love him and I'll always go to him with anything, but no one seems to understand that I need girl friends. Paint nails and have little inside jokes. Things that girlfriends do.
Same day, only a few minutes later
"Things About Boyfriends"
I've gone years through trial, error, together to broken up. My heart has been broken, I learned sometimes, and sometimes I didn't learn so quickly. I learned of all the people I could be molded into. I replaced their mom, their ex, their sister, their best friend. I could be dark and quiet, bright and loud, mysterious, trustworthy, happy, sad, sexual, not sexual, needy, independent, blind and oblivious, risky and random, cautious and observant. All of those are who I am, but none of them are singularly "me".
Plenty of times I was literally left "broken up" inside and out. I'd be lost and empty, no longer knowing who I was at all.
His fantasy of a relationship was now my nightmare. Without him, there was no more clay to mold me with, no one to mold me...leaving me empty. Those in my family and my best friends who knew me so well for who I was had to piece me together. Over a period of time, I'd be me again. But of all the little pieces, some were never found.
My lesson is to be with someone who loves you for who you really are, not who they want you to be, or who you're "replacing" in their life. It took me this long to find that person for me, who really loves me. Don't five up, you'll find yours someday. :)
Same day, a little while after
"Things About Family"
How many people can you say have a perfect family? 2 kids, never divorced parents, a nice house, solid income, good health? I've learned many things are broken and fixed, but never all the way fixed. Young parents with two toddlers divorce, both parents remarry, the two families silently fight for the two little girls, who now have two new half siblings. Both families move far way from the other, and fall to the economy.
Both families are broken, and fixed by their new "family". The two girls will forever live in confusion and conflict with who they are, while their father never calls or cares, forever.
Nothing is perfect, never expect it to be. You'll just be disappointed.
Same day, a little while later
"Things About School"
I've been to a number of schools in my life, some better than others, some experiences more memorable. The things we always remember are not the things we learn from teachers: the state capitals on the map, the equation for rational exponents or whatever, or what the teaching of "Of Mice And Men" is. We remember things from our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fun times outside the classroom are the things we really learn from. What do elementary kids look forward to? Recess three times a day! Middleschoolers look forward to lunch and art class, highschoolers look forward to lunch, study hall, and the weekend. The most valuable life lessons aren't always in a classroom.
April 12, 2011. 1:43pm
"Things About Death"
I'll keep this one pretty short. Everybody dies. Everything dies. Nothing lasts forever, don't expect it to. Death is a part of life that everyone will go through.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"Things About Mistakes"
Mistakes happen all the time. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept what's happened and move on.
Same day, a few minutes later.
Don't you ever get sick of being admired,
Maybe you'll just get fired.
Don't have to worry about that anymore.
Just go ahead and walk out that door.
Do it like your father did when you were five.
Turn your family to an angry bee hive.
You say your heart is healing,
but what are you really feeling?
April 13, 2011. 1:56pm.
Some things that happen to people...No one deserves it. No one. I mean what could someone possibly do to deserve all that? It's like things were bad enough, it isn't fair. I know people will say "Life isn't fair". I'll give them a high five and say, "Hell yeah, that's true."
Same day.
My justice wasn't done
All I knew how to do was run.
It's what I've done all my life.
All I need is to remove that knife.
The one he put in me all those years ago.
Who he is I don't even know.
My justice will never be done. Rising soon on your story will be the sun.
I'll help and be here for you.
Until my heart is black and blue.
You will not be alone,
Justice will be served.
April 14,2011. 1:43pm
"B"
Beautiful is
Believing in who you are.
Being something you aren't can end
Badly.
Bleed out my heart for you, I hope you feel
Better now that you can
Breathe without feeling suffocated, your face isn't so
Blue and you can have the courage to give his
Bullets
Back.
Bring your hope, love, and happiness. Leave your
Black roses crying.
Be strong, you can do this, you're so
Bright.
Busy is as busy does, so you must learn to
Balance aspects of your life. Your
Baby is all grown up.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"S"
Show me your
Secrets, don't be afraid. Never
Sacrifice what is rightfully yours. Always be
Sure of who you are, only you can know your
Story by heart. I know things can seem
So certain and laid out.
She is love, threw away her mistakes to the
Streets, they joined her
Sorrows. She has the power to finally
Stand up for who she is.
So yeah, that's about it. I wrote some amazing place poems today, I'll be sure to get those up here asap! :)
Loves <3
I recently celebrated my 7 month mark with Sunshine. I hope it lasts forever.
There has been quite a bit of drama, originating from my end. I overreact a lot and dismiss things I do that I know can't be right. But I'm working on it. I promised I'd try, and I am trying. It's hard though. To change how I've always,always been around people. You know how that can be? I figured you would...cuz...you're a blog. :P
Now I'm going to get into my creative writing portion. Just letting you know, most of this isn't creative at all. We've had these study halls in school every day and I have nothing better to do so I write. I've written several pages, so this might be a long one. Oh well. :)
Once again, if one of you feels like you MAY be offended in any way by reading these, just don't read them because I'm not sensoring myself for your selfish comfort. K?
Monday, April 11. 1:43pm
"Things About Friends"
Do you know what it feels like, not having anyone? You take your friends for granted, you aren't eternally grateful every time you call your friend, tell her all your troubles and worries. You go to the mall with her, watch movies with her, gossip, cry, sleep over, share secrets.
I love him and I'll always go to him with anything, but no one seems to understand that I need girl friends. Paint nails and have little inside jokes. Things that girlfriends do.
Same day, only a few minutes later
"Things About Boyfriends"
I've gone years through trial, error, together to broken up. My heart has been broken, I learned sometimes, and sometimes I didn't learn so quickly. I learned of all the people I could be molded into. I replaced their mom, their ex, their sister, their best friend. I could be dark and quiet, bright and loud, mysterious, trustworthy, happy, sad, sexual, not sexual, needy, independent, blind and oblivious, risky and random, cautious and observant. All of those are who I am, but none of them are singularly "me".
Plenty of times I was literally left "broken up" inside and out. I'd be lost and empty, no longer knowing who I was at all.
His fantasy of a relationship was now my nightmare. Without him, there was no more clay to mold me with, no one to mold me...leaving me empty. Those in my family and my best friends who knew me so well for who I was had to piece me together. Over a period of time, I'd be me again. But of all the little pieces, some were never found.
My lesson is to be with someone who loves you for who you really are, not who they want you to be, or who you're "replacing" in their life. It took me this long to find that person for me, who really loves me. Don't five up, you'll find yours someday. :)
Same day, a little while after
"Things About Family"
How many people can you say have a perfect family? 2 kids, never divorced parents, a nice house, solid income, good health? I've learned many things are broken and fixed, but never all the way fixed. Young parents with two toddlers divorce, both parents remarry, the two families silently fight for the two little girls, who now have two new half siblings. Both families move far way from the other, and fall to the economy.
Both families are broken, and fixed by their new "family". The two girls will forever live in confusion and conflict with who they are, while their father never calls or cares, forever.
Nothing is perfect, never expect it to be. You'll just be disappointed.
Same day, a little while later
"Things About School"
I've been to a number of schools in my life, some better than others, some experiences more memorable. The things we always remember are not the things we learn from teachers: the state capitals on the map, the equation for rational exponents or whatever, or what the teaching of "Of Mice And Men" is. We remember things from our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fun times outside the classroom are the things we really learn from. What do elementary kids look forward to? Recess three times a day! Middleschoolers look forward to lunch and art class, highschoolers look forward to lunch, study hall, and the weekend. The most valuable life lessons aren't always in a classroom.
April 12, 2011. 1:43pm
"Things About Death"
I'll keep this one pretty short. Everybody dies. Everything dies. Nothing lasts forever, don't expect it to. Death is a part of life that everyone will go through.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"Things About Mistakes"
Mistakes happen all the time. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept what's happened and move on.
Same day, a few minutes later.
Don't you ever get sick of being admired,
Maybe you'll just get fired.
Don't have to worry about that anymore.
Just go ahead and walk out that door.
Do it like your father did when you were five.
Turn your family to an angry bee hive.
You say your heart is healing,
but what are you really feeling?
April 13, 2011. 1:56pm.
Some things that happen to people...No one deserves it. No one. I mean what could someone possibly do to deserve all that? It's like things were bad enough, it isn't fair. I know people will say "Life isn't fair". I'll give them a high five and say, "Hell yeah, that's true."
Same day.
My justice wasn't done
All I knew how to do was run.
It's what I've done all my life.
All I need is to remove that knife.
The one he put in me all those years ago.
Who he is I don't even know.
My justice will never be done. Rising soon on your story will be the sun.
I'll help and be here for you.
Until my heart is black and blue.
You will not be alone,
Justice will be served.
April 14,2011. 1:43pm
"B"
Beautiful is
Believing in who you are.
Being something you aren't can end
Badly.
Bleed out my heart for you, I hope you feel
Better now that you can
Breathe without feeling suffocated, your face isn't so
Blue and you can have the courage to give his
Bullets
Back.
Bring your hope, love, and happiness. Leave your
Black roses crying.
Be strong, you can do this, you're so
Bright.
Busy is as busy does, so you must learn to
Balance aspects of your life. Your
Baby is all grown up.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"S"
Show me your
Secrets, don't be afraid. Never
Sacrifice what is rightfully yours. Always be
Sure of who you are, only you can know your
Story by heart. I know things can seem
So certain and laid out.
She is love, threw away her mistakes to the
Streets, they joined her
Sorrows. She has the power to finally
Stand up for who she is.
So yeah, that's about it. I wrote some amazing place poems today, I'll be sure to get those up here asap! :)
Loves <3
Monday, March 7, 2011
TheNicestThing
I'll start out this post like I start out every other post.
I need to post more :P
Something I'm learning lately is that time goes on. No matter what happens, or is in your mind or the memories you have, it won't ever happen again and time goes on. Recently it seems that time is going by too quickly. I want to savor each moment I get to enjoy, and forget the rest.
School is starting to piss me off. People are stupid and dramatic, teachers are also stupid and dramatic. We had TAKS last Tuesday (it's Texas Standardized Tests, not sure what TAKS stands for though...) and so we only had 20 minute class periods. Of course, in my spanish class the prissy little bitch of a teacher gives us three pages of translating and a worksheet. WHY!
So this is kind of becoming my second writing journal, so I'm going to put up some things I wrote in my Creative Writing journal.
This first one is an assignment I had to do for English. We had to write one page of lined paper on a creative prompt. I chose a prompt where I had to take one of my favorite songs and "Bring it to life," whatever that means. Did I succeed? I don't know, you judge. The song is Little Secrets by Passion Pit.
We all jumped together as one. The walls came crumbling. The music blew our hair back, the beats making our hearts pulse as one. No one has to know where we are, what we're doing, or who we're with. After all, you proudly shame your whole family's name.
Before this all, we were painting rainbows on my ugly face, for I built this cardboard neighborhood's disgrace.
Why can't everything be beautiful? It's the way I see everything I need, it's the way to be.
Now we're here, so let this be our little secret. Let's dance and laugh. No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. Now I feel alive, I feel it in me. Up and up, we'll keep on climbing higher and higher.
There are colors everywhere and you can't explain as your "friends" complain. None of it matters anymore, e yourself and be happy with who you are.
And now you can't help but ignore the people staring at your scars. Your mother thought once there was a power she was wielding, but you're free now.
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. I feel alive and I feel it in me, up and up we just keep climbing higher and higher.
They all tumbled into me, I shook them off of me. If the ride should bump me to oblivion, at least I'll be happy.
Ok, so there's that. Here's my second option but it's not nearly as good: The Answer by Blue October
People use my open mind and understanding, then they leave. I know them all so well, they say they know me, like I'm an open book. There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. Well that's strange because I'm an "Open book." You don't know me, you don't want me. You only come to me because no one else cares.
I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people, and the only funny thing is I don't know how to give myself advice.
I thought maybe you could be my friend, but even you betrayed me and left me. People come and go as they please, not once asking if I'm okay, or what's on my mind.
In my head, there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling: control.
You say I'm an open book, well that's just great. I'm an open book, but I'm really shy.
You're so easy, God wrapped you like a bow. Something different needs to happen, and that's the answer.
The answer is quite the opposite of who I am. I need to be careless, and live my own life.
I'm going to open up and find the answer within myself.
So that's that. I feel like this post is getting long, so I have to add my little bit of cheesyness in here.
It's our six month anniversary tomorrow, so if he reads this: Happy Anniversary Babe :) I love you
Ok, that's it I promise!
Goodnight Quiet City!
~LadyWar~
I need to post more :P
Something I'm learning lately is that time goes on. No matter what happens, or is in your mind or the memories you have, it won't ever happen again and time goes on. Recently it seems that time is going by too quickly. I want to savor each moment I get to enjoy, and forget the rest.
School is starting to piss me off. People are stupid and dramatic, teachers are also stupid and dramatic. We had TAKS last Tuesday (it's Texas Standardized Tests, not sure what TAKS stands for though...) and so we only had 20 minute class periods. Of course, in my spanish class the prissy little bitch of a teacher gives us three pages of translating and a worksheet. WHY!
So this is kind of becoming my second writing journal, so I'm going to put up some things I wrote in my Creative Writing journal.
This first one is an assignment I had to do for English. We had to write one page of lined paper on a creative prompt. I chose a prompt where I had to take one of my favorite songs and "Bring it to life," whatever that means. Did I succeed? I don't know, you judge. The song is Little Secrets by Passion Pit.
We all jumped together as one. The walls came crumbling. The music blew our hair back, the beats making our hearts pulse as one. No one has to know where we are, what we're doing, or who we're with. After all, you proudly shame your whole family's name.
Before this all, we were painting rainbows on my ugly face, for I built this cardboard neighborhood's disgrace.
Why can't everything be beautiful? It's the way I see everything I need, it's the way to be.
Now we're here, so let this be our little secret. Let's dance and laugh. No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. Now I feel alive, I feel it in me. Up and up, we'll keep on climbing higher and higher.
There are colors everywhere and you can't explain as your "friends" complain. None of it matters anymore, e yourself and be happy with who you are.
And now you can't help but ignore the people staring at your scars. Your mother thought once there was a power she was wielding, but you're free now.
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. I feel alive and I feel it in me, up and up we just keep climbing higher and higher.
They all tumbled into me, I shook them off of me. If the ride should bump me to oblivion, at least I'll be happy.
Ok, so there's that. Here's my second option but it's not nearly as good: The Answer by Blue October
People use my open mind and understanding, then they leave. I know them all so well, they say they know me, like I'm an open book. There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. Well that's strange because I'm an "Open book." You don't know me, you don't want me. You only come to me because no one else cares.
I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people, and the only funny thing is I don't know how to give myself advice.
I thought maybe you could be my friend, but even you betrayed me and left me. People come and go as they please, not once asking if I'm okay, or what's on my mind.
In my head, there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling: control.
You say I'm an open book, well that's just great. I'm an open book, but I'm really shy.
You're so easy, God wrapped you like a bow. Something different needs to happen, and that's the answer.
The answer is quite the opposite of who I am. I need to be careless, and live my own life.
I'm going to open up and find the answer within myself.
So that's that. I feel like this post is getting long, so I have to add my little bit of cheesyness in here.
It's our six month anniversary tomorrow, so if he reads this: Happy Anniversary Babe :) I love you
Ok, that's it I promise!
Goodnight Quiet City!
~LadyWar~
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stolen
So today I'm just kind of feeling really down. I woke up late this morning, threw on something that was probably dirty, sloppily did my makeup and didn't do shit to my hair. I ran out the door with a breakfast shake still in my mouth, my shoes half on, and I didn't have my homework or lunch money. Half asleep, I climbed onto the bus, my legs in great pain from the night before. The whole day has been a sleepy blur, I stabbed myself in the palm with a blue pen, so that's news I guess.
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
MeantToLive
I have had the flu since Thursday. It really sucks, I've been pretty much bed-ridden, forcing myself to drink Theraflu after Theraflu.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
SomebodyToldMe
So, I wrote something totally cheesy to one of my teachers... yeah, ONE OF MY TEACHERS. She really changed my life and I just... I don't know, I was in her class today and I felt like I just needed to write something...anything... about her.
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
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