F-StopBlues

Death is a natural part of life, everything dies eventually, and I thought I had accepted that fact, even embraced it as a great passing into a better place. It's easy enough when that's said about myself, but when it's about others I love, I just don't know... death's a weird thing. My grandfather has Alzheimers and a few other medical conditions, he's had a great life, it's been very fulfilling, and he's been healthy all his life. He's getting very old, and it's just about his time. I cannot imagine how my father is feeling, his own parent withering away... Honestly I don't look forward to those days where I take Dad's spot beside the hospital bed. On a lighter note, it's Sunshine and mine's 2 year anniversary today! We're going out to eat and buying eachother fancy $10 skins in League of Legends because we can't afford anything else XD We're going to Johnny Carino's, he's never been, and it's my absolute favorite restaurant. I hope he likes it, I'm sure he will. I love him so much, I really look forward the the years to come with him. He makes me so happy and makes me feel so whole, he means the world to me. He's always there for me, and I can never show all of my appreciation no matter what lengths I go to. I'm so happy we're together, I don't know where I'd be without him!!!

Jealousy

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it. She's your girlfriend. But really, I think I should matter more... Whatever. I'm just jealous. And poor. I want to go places and do things but I can't, I have no money. I'm waiting on this job at Target to get back to me...Still. I'll call them tomorrow. Everyone's pissing me off. I don't like it. I think I'll eat some chocolate now. You never get to fucking see me and all you can do is complain about how you don't get to see them... ugh. I wish my best friend could come visit me. We'd have so much fun. I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems. Actually be able to say goodbye this time and not have that lingering feeling of "where is she?"

RememberMeAsATimeOfDay

Dear Dad, (if I can call you that for a moment here), I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every day. That's probably more than you think about me, which is okay. I know you're doing your best, you didn't really have an example... So I guess I understand. Honestly though, I miss you. Well, I miss the little memories that I have of when I was little, and it was actually important to spend time with me. I miss going out and doing things together, I miss smiling and laughing and talking. I miss having that connection to someone with who I share half of my DNA with. You're ignorant, "busy", frustrating, manipulative, and confused. You are confused, and I know that. I wish you would stop pushing your daughters away. When Crane wanted to live with you, you held on too tightly, yet you didn't give a shit when the bitch yelled at her. I'm really sad that she didn't get to really spend good quality time with you, mostly because of her. Crane WANTED to be with you, it seems like you'd do ANYTHING to keep her there, but you didn't. I guess that's okay though, again, you are kind of new at this whole "dad" thing, even after 18 years. I wish you actually wanted to talk to me. I wish you actually showed interest in me. I see where I get some of my attitude and character, but some things, I just don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew you, so that I knew myself. And when I actually do come to visit, your new family just glares at me, and completely ignores Crane and I until they are FORCED to be with us or talk to us. We feel completely unwelcome and shunned. I don't know what's more frustrating, that bitch or your blissful ignorance as to what is really happening. I don't know who you are, and you don't know who I am. Do you care, because I do. I know that sometimes, okay a lot of the times, it seems like I don't really care. I'm just bitter. I just think too hard about things, I know that you don't mean to hurt me or make me feel lost, but your actions make me think that you do mean those things. But I know that you don't ever want me to feel that way, right? I am very grateful for Eagle, for taking us under his wings, and filling in that dad position, but I want a relationship with you, Father. I don't know what to do. I'm coming to Colorado in a few days, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for all these years of me pushing you away. Please try to be there for me, even if it's just a little bit. I love you.

Graduation

Well, this weekend, I graduated high school. My mother came into town, I've missed her dearly. We got to spend a lot of time together and I feel like a lot of my hurt feelings were mended, which is awesome. I dunno, it's weird. Her and I can communicate without even talking, and we just have that special mom-daughter connection that I feel like not a whole lot of people these days get to experience. Parents are always pressuring their kids to do this or do that, believe this or believe that, it's ridiculous. My mother wants us to be ourselves. She supports us no matter what we choose, and I want to do the same for her. I know that she is going through a tough time, we all are. But she is very lost, and I need to let her know that I am there for her. A big part of my life has just passed me with graduation. I am no longer that highschool teenager. I'm a graduate. Most of my classmates I'll never see again. Ever. And that makes me sad, yet happy. Some of those kids I NEVER want to see again!!!! HA! Anyway, I'm very grateful to those who have helped me through high school, through all the obstacles. It's been great, it's been fun, but now it's over. It goes fast. To those of you reading that just want to get it over with, that's what you feel now, but soon (too soon) it'll all be gone. It'll all vanish before your very eyes. So cherish these moments while you can, before you are shoved into the real world.

Martyrs

Well. Watched this movie last night called "Martyrs". Pretty fucked up, but surprisingly good. It kinda makes me worry about the kind of people who I'm sharing the world with!!! We're going out to eat tonight, just Sunshine, his mom and I. I haven't really eaten a lot the past few days, so I'm really looking forward to going out to eat. There's no food in this house. :( Well. Not much else to say here. I can't wait for graduation and to see my mom. We have a lot of catching up to do... I do really wish I could see my sister though. I really miss her. I guess I gotta wait though.

Hazy

I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm very grateful for people in my life, even if they aren't really in my life anymore. The title of this blog has a deeper meaning. The song "Hazy" by Rosi Golan is what inspired me to write this post. I LOVE Sunshine. He's done so much for me. He truly knows how to fix me when I fall and hurt myself. He knows where to find me when I lose myself. He reminds me who I am when I forget who I am. He's amazing and I am so lucky to have him. I don't know where I'd be without him. As this final year of high school comes to a close, the feelings are bittersweet. I am excited to finally be done, but a huge part of me is still holding on. And I'm sure I'll continue to hold on for a while. This is all I've known for the past four years of my life, it's gonna be hard adjusting. Okay, I can't stop thinking about her. I love her to death. She's absolutely amazing, and I want to make sure she knows that. I haven't seen her in three years... oh god I'm gonna start crying... I haven't seen her in 3 years, we're thousands of miles apart, and yet she's my best friend. She cares. She stuck with me through EVERYTHING, when everyone else betrayed me and left. She came before anyone here. I'm just SO glad that the distance hasn't killed our friendship. She knows me inside and out and she could always put me back together. She's gorgeous and strong and smart and just amazing. I can't imagine my life without her. "Because without you, things go hazy."

MissingTime

I feel like I am constantly transforming from one person, to another. One personality to another. My brain is always going, always working. Trying to remember, trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to plot revenge... It goes on and on, as a machine refusing to run out of power.

Too much is on my mind. Things that won't be laid to rest for a long time, I know. Some things that won't ever be solved.

I started thinking about the future, how things will change, and people I know will begin to disappear from my life. Some people already are. They are leaving in the most different of ways. They are all slowly drifting away from me. I can't really complain though, it's just how life is.

I've also been thinking a lot about my biological father. Who is he, REALLY? What are his morals, REALLY? What are his secrets? I don't know anything about him, yet we share blood. How did that come to be? He left his family. He loved his job more than he loved us, so that was the end and the new beginning for my sister and mother and I.
The truth is, sometime within the next 4 or 5 years, I know, I KNOW, something happened. I just don't know what. I've been repressing my memories Sometimes violent images of what might have happened bombard my dreams, the faceless demon forever haunts my nights.
And, besides the fact that I know, I know he knows. I know it. If only I could get him to confess to me, without any questions from me.
Tragically, I don't think I will ever get it out of him.
I'm kind of scared that he'll die, and I'll regret not getting to know him. But honestly, I've TRIED. I've really tried hard. He just doesn't WANT to be my DAD. He's just a shadow in my life. So I don't know what to do as far as he goes.

I found out some... shocking information about someone very close to me. I won't say any more than that, but that is one thing that won't be solved for a while. I have to solve it on my own, the others aren't willing to help.

I wish people would understand me. Sometimes, I can't control what I feel or think or even do. Sometimes I'm in a crazy, hyperactive state. Other times I am in a hazy, foggy, tired daze. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but I don't like it.

Mother is sending me some stuff on Tuesday. I'm excited to get it. There's some PMS stuff in there that I am really looking forward to having!!! I get awful PMS.

Well, I think that is about all I want to say here, I'll get back to you soon. Probably.

~LadyWar~