I walked into the barn house. Mother waited anxiously, for what I did not know. I sit with her. Soon, we hear the rumble of Dad's truck, and a trailer pulling behind it. We run outside. It is cloudy, slightly chilly, snow is beginning to fall. I look outside at our land. We have a barn area attached to the house, that is covered. Across the dirt road is a small pond with a stream. In the pond is a beaver den... I decide to take a closer look later.
Dad opens up the trailer, and out walks a wobbly, long-legged brown calf. She was beautiful. We lead her into the barn area and decided to name her Bessie. Original I know. She was like a dog, she was so sweet. As time went on, we began easing her in to being a dairy cow. Dad decided to buy a bull, a huge, strong black bull. As he was on his way to get the bull, I decided to finally go investigate the beaver den.
I made my way across the frozen pond to the den. As I got closer, I found a door. A door on a beaver den? Suspicious. I open it up, the inside is radiating heat, is fully lit, and has bookshelves, a chandelier, a full furniture set. I'm baffled. There are no beavers in this den!
I sit on the couch, and take in my surroundings. It's like the world outside completely disappeared.
"Thought you'd find this place soon."
I jumped at the voice, and turned towards it. There stood a raggedy blonde girl. She was probably 20, had waist-length hair, it was wavy and a bit frizzy. After her followed a 20 year old man. He had shoulder-length straight smooth hair, and was six and a half feet tall.
I was speechless. They both snickered and whispered about me. After a while, they told me to get up and follow them. We were going somewhere.
Where could we possibly go from a BEAVER DEN?
They walked into a door. I followed.
All of the sudden, I felt as though I was stretched, pulled, shrank, and dissolved all at the same time. All around me was grey, black, and blue. In an instant, I was in a house I'd never been in before. The couple was standing, waiting for me. They told me to explore, and go through other doors if I wanted, but I had to remember which doors I went through, and I should avoid picking the "wrong" doors. Whatever that meant.
I walked down some stairs. the house was mostly empty, painted white, made of wood. I found a chest, painted white as well. I opened it, and a dark mist surrounded me. I heard heavy breathing, and a demonic threatening voice invaded my ears.
"You picked wrong. Try again before its too late..."
I panicked, and slammed the chest door closed.
I continued exploring, and found another door.
After several changes through these portal doors, I arrived at some sort of fancy wal-mart. Cool stuff. I wanted a new fish. But I needed at least a 75 gallon tank. I went to the pet department. They had a ton of tanks out on display. The deal posted was, "1 dollar per gallon!" Wow, that's a great deal. I started looking at these set up aquariums. They had fish, and everything in them. Just so you could see what they looked like outside the box.
Problem was, all of the fish were either dying or dead. They were all brilliant colors one minute, and the next they were brownish black, and dead, laying at the bottom of these gorgeous tanks.
There was one fish though, in a 96 gallon tank. He was about 9 inches long, and looked kind of threatening. He was ugly, mostly brown, and looked like he had drippings of himself hanging off of him. Apparently, he was the main attraction. He had a sign above him telling about how active and lively a fish he was. I looked at the fish. There was a machine used to feed him, but there was no other decoration in the tank itself. To feed the fish, you'd insert ten cents into a slot, and some food would dump into his tank. All that fish did was sit on the bottom of that tank and wait for food to drop to him. He'd eat some, but throw the rest back up. It was really sad. I fell in love with this fish and he was so lifeless, so unloved by everyone else despite the signs...
When I finally made my way back to the beaver den, Bessie was full-grown, and pregnant with a calf. Her and the bull stayed together in a small pasture, Bessie was so happy to see me.
It began to snow, ever so lightly. Even though I knew I should stay home with my parents and the farm, I realized I could go anywhere with that beaver den and those doors. So I went back into the den, and woke up.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Lisztomania
It's almost the end of the year, so I'm going to take a review of this year, rant a little about random stuff, then tell you about my new year's resolutions, which I intend to keep. Which everyone always says... :)
I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)
I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.
I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.
Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.
Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.
Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.
Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!
Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.
Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.
Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.
Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.
Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.
Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.
With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.
----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3
I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)
I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.
I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.
Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.
Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.
Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.
Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!
Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.
Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.
Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.
Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.
Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.
Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.
With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.
----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3
Friday, December 9, 2011
TurnItDown
Oh gosh, so much has happened. Yes, I realize it's past midnight and yes, I realize it's been FOREVER. Shut up, okay?
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
CleverLove
It's been a while!!!
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Zero
I currently feel rather shitty.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I love you,
I know you love me too.
Sometimes times seem long,
But you just remind me, "Be strong."
Before you I was made of broken pieces,
I was insecure,
I was uneasy, depressed, distrustful.
You turned me into something beautiful.
I can be happy about being me.
I can finally see,
That we really are meant to be.
There's spark in my eyes that wasn't there before,
I love you all the way to my core.
I pray that we'll be together forever,
Our love will never sever.
You're my everything. These wings can take me away from this place I can't stand, right to you. Your eyes are my sanctuary, your heart is my home, your arms always keep me safe.
I know sometimes I lose my worried mind. I go crazy, but you still love me, you still want me even when I seem to be someone else.
You think I'm amazing, and I don't understand.
I don't understand why,
I don't understand how,
I don't understand how someone could ever think this mess of a person is "amazing."
You're my saving grace,
I just want to stay.
I'll always be yours,
I always was yours.
You're the sunshine coming through the cement to reach the flower, trapped in a sea of everything that says she's impossible. You are the sunshine saving me when I'm in the middle of everything that could be bad.
All I have to do is think of you, of us, and everything seems a little bit better, I grow a little bit stronger.
I really do want to be with you forever. I know I sound like a typical love-struck teenager, but I've never felt this.
Sure, there were different "connections". But do you want to know something? You want to know a few things? If not, don't read, if you want to know what THEY were really about, I'll show you.
P: Long distance, I never met him in person. I was young and stupid. He was probably some weirdo 50 year old...
R: Oh, a little 8th grade fling. Meant nothing. He's probably gay, now that I really look at it. Once we parted, we never spoke again.
M: I finally said yes after him constantly harassing me to date him. 8th grade. When he finally approached me asking my why I wasn't acting like his girl, I told him I wasn't and skipped away happily while he fumed, smoke practically coming out of his ears.
E: He was some stupid freshman crush that I had. He was a junior. Nothing ever happened. I danced with him once at homecoming... It was completely awkward, and I realized he wasn't the one for me... That didn't stop me from occasionally stalking him through the halls though... :)
M2: Same thing as the first M, harassed me til I said yes, but we never acted like we were dating.
C: Recommended by my friend B, who you'll hear about later. He was just desperate and wanted to get into my pants. He tried to make me like his friends. He tried to make me into a mother figure for him. Didn't work too well.
T: Not exactly sure why I fell for him. He was dark and mysterious, a bad boy. We all know how the bad boys end: badly. But he also tried to change me. I was his councelor, the one he complained to, I wasn't happy.
B: Got his "girlfriend" pregnant, "fell" for me, after I moved to another state. It was all bullshit.
C (same one): He had no friends, no one else who gave a damn about his pathetic drama. Kinda forgot about him.
D: He was my good friend from where I used to live. We were really close. Tried dating, went ok, he cheated on me. My feelings for him were over.
D2: Some asshole. Don't even wanna go there. He lied and cheated and lied some more.
W: Again don't need to even talk about him. Asshole who changed the entirety of who I was. Left me broken and used. And I'm not the only girl he's done it to.
Thing is, I never really was happy at all with any of them. Sure, if you wanna call those THINGS "connections", then go ahead. Sometimes people are just better off friends, or not even talking at all.
But you, you're different. You accept me for who I am. I'm yours, all yours. I'm finally learning to do everything how I was meant to. I'm learning to breathe again, I'm learning to love and live. I love you with all my being. Understand that, I'm never letting you go. I love you.
I know you love me too.
Sometimes times seem long,
But you just remind me, "Be strong."
Before you I was made of broken pieces,
I was insecure,
I was uneasy, depressed, distrustful.
You turned me into something beautiful.
I can be happy about being me.
I can finally see,
That we really are meant to be.
There's spark in my eyes that wasn't there before,
I love you all the way to my core.
I pray that we'll be together forever,
Our love will never sever.
You're my everything. These wings can take me away from this place I can't stand, right to you. Your eyes are my sanctuary, your heart is my home, your arms always keep me safe.
I know sometimes I lose my worried mind. I go crazy, but you still love me, you still want me even when I seem to be someone else.
You think I'm amazing, and I don't understand.
I don't understand why,
I don't understand how,
I don't understand how someone could ever think this mess of a person is "amazing."
You're my saving grace,
I just want to stay.
I'll always be yours,
I always was yours.
You're the sunshine coming through the cement to reach the flower, trapped in a sea of everything that says she's impossible. You are the sunshine saving me when I'm in the middle of everything that could be bad.
All I have to do is think of you, of us, and everything seems a little bit better, I grow a little bit stronger.
I really do want to be with you forever. I know I sound like a typical love-struck teenager, but I've never felt this.
Sure, there were different "connections". But do you want to know something? You want to know a few things? If not, don't read, if you want to know what THEY were really about, I'll show you.
P: Long distance, I never met him in person. I was young and stupid. He was probably some weirdo 50 year old...
R: Oh, a little 8th grade fling. Meant nothing. He's probably gay, now that I really look at it. Once we parted, we never spoke again.
M: I finally said yes after him constantly harassing me to date him. 8th grade. When he finally approached me asking my why I wasn't acting like his girl, I told him I wasn't and skipped away happily while he fumed, smoke practically coming out of his ears.
E: He was some stupid freshman crush that I had. He was a junior. Nothing ever happened. I danced with him once at homecoming... It was completely awkward, and I realized he wasn't the one for me... That didn't stop me from occasionally stalking him through the halls though... :)
M2: Same thing as the first M, harassed me til I said yes, but we never acted like we were dating.
C: Recommended by my friend B, who you'll hear about later. He was just desperate and wanted to get into my pants. He tried to make me like his friends. He tried to make me into a mother figure for him. Didn't work too well.
T: Not exactly sure why I fell for him. He was dark and mysterious, a bad boy. We all know how the bad boys end: badly. But he also tried to change me. I was his councelor, the one he complained to, I wasn't happy.
B: Got his "girlfriend" pregnant, "fell" for me, after I moved to another state. It was all bullshit.
C (same one): He had no friends, no one else who gave a damn about his pathetic drama. Kinda forgot about him.
D: He was my good friend from where I used to live. We were really close. Tried dating, went ok, he cheated on me. My feelings for him were over.
D2: Some asshole. Don't even wanna go there. He lied and cheated and lied some more.
W: Again don't need to even talk about him. Asshole who changed the entirety of who I was. Left me broken and used. And I'm not the only girl he's done it to.
Thing is, I never really was happy at all with any of them. Sure, if you wanna call those THINGS "connections", then go ahead. Sometimes people are just better off friends, or not even talking at all.
But you, you're different. You accept me for who I am. I'm yours, all yours. I'm finally learning to do everything how I was meant to. I'm learning to breathe again, I'm learning to love and live. I love you with all my being. Understand that, I'm never letting you go. I love you.
YourArmsFeelLikeHome
I'm gonna find something, hang on.
Found it. Mind you, I wrote this A LONG TIME AGO. Like three or four years ago. I have no idea what it was about.
Here goes.
"Last Chance Love"
The tears won't stop falling,
The tears that are for you.
And now I'm on my hands and knees, crawling helplessly for my life.
Where are you?
You are not here to save me this time,
I think as darkness surrounds me.
For a moment I wonder if you will show up as a bright light to scare the darkness away.
Then I know you won't.
But what I don't know is you are there.
On the other side,
Waiting for me.
I don't want to give up.
I long to feel your heartbeat on my fingertips again.
To interlace my fingers with yours.
Look into those shadowy blue eyes and feel the love radiating from you in waves.
Be with you forever.
I know its not going to happen,
But in my heart I wish it with all my strength left in me.
And then I'm surrounded by the dark.
My breaths are cold and shallow.
I feel familiar fingertips brush my cheek.
Ever so lightly.
I struggle to see your face.
No matter how many times I blink or grasp the empty air,
You are not there.
And yet I feel your cold hands on my face.
A tear rolls down my face and your fingers catch it.
This is the saddest I have ever been in my life.
You are right there.
So close.
And at the same time you're not.
I would give anything just to see you one last time.
I think this over and over.
Praying that somehow the darkness will leave and you will stay.
You promised me you would always be with me in my heart.
But I never knew it could be this painful.
(PT. II)
The darkness is sucked away slowly.
Your hands seem to try and grasp for me.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I don't want what is left of you to leave.
Even if it hurts so bad I could die.
With all of my power I reach blindly for you.
Our fingertips touch one last time and in a flash,
Everything is one.
I'm left alone and helpless.
My heart starts pumping its slow, empty rhythm again.
You are gone again.
Just like that.
And the tears begin to stream again.
Every one for you.
I'm back to where I started.
Thinking of nothing but you.
Soon I wipe the last of the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.
I lift up my sleeve and inhale your quickly-fading scent.
I straighten myself up once again to pretend nothing is wrong,
When all I want is to know your heart still beats to the sound of rain.
I regretfully push the thoughts of you to the back of my mind.
Safely hidden from others,
And myself.
I keep telling myself I'm over you and to move on.
I can't.
You were taken away from me so violently fast that I didn't have a chance to get my heart back.
I don't want it back.
It's yours.
So I take one step in front of the other and try to convince my heart and my mind that you will come back to me or leave me forever.
One step in front of the other.
Ok, that was it. I wrote that in early 2009. Think it's pretty good for a freshman?
Me too.
Man, I was really fucking depressed.
HAHA I think I'm funny.
I had a massive headache today, but then it went away...
I'm in a really good mood. Like a REALLY good mood. I feel playful and hyper, and I wish Sunshine was with me right now... I miss him so much, he's gone with his FRIENDS. Has been since Tuesday. Lame jealousy! :)
So, I'm over-eating and not doing enough excersize. I didn't even go to the pool today, so I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm going to start running. My goal as of now is to run a mile nonstop in less than 10 minutes. Don't laugh at my un-fit-ness. It's not nice to laugh XD
Well since this post is long enough as it is, I guess I'll just stop it here. I feel like I need to say a whole lot more, but I don't know of what....
OH WELL!! :D
Loves <3
Found it. Mind you, I wrote this A LONG TIME AGO. Like three or four years ago. I have no idea what it was about.
Here goes.
"Last Chance Love"
The tears won't stop falling,
The tears that are for you.
And now I'm on my hands and knees, crawling helplessly for my life.
Where are you?
You are not here to save me this time,
I think as darkness surrounds me.
For a moment I wonder if you will show up as a bright light to scare the darkness away.
Then I know you won't.
But what I don't know is you are there.
On the other side,
Waiting for me.
I don't want to give up.
I long to feel your heartbeat on my fingertips again.
To interlace my fingers with yours.
Look into those shadowy blue eyes and feel the love radiating from you in waves.
Be with you forever.
I know its not going to happen,
But in my heart I wish it with all my strength left in me.
And then I'm surrounded by the dark.
My breaths are cold and shallow.
I feel familiar fingertips brush my cheek.
Ever so lightly.
I struggle to see your face.
No matter how many times I blink or grasp the empty air,
You are not there.
And yet I feel your cold hands on my face.
A tear rolls down my face and your fingers catch it.
This is the saddest I have ever been in my life.
You are right there.
So close.
And at the same time you're not.
I would give anything just to see you one last time.
I think this over and over.
Praying that somehow the darkness will leave and you will stay.
You promised me you would always be with me in my heart.
But I never knew it could be this painful.
(PT. II)
The darkness is sucked away slowly.
Your hands seem to try and grasp for me.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I don't want what is left of you to leave.
Even if it hurts so bad I could die.
With all of my power I reach blindly for you.
Our fingertips touch one last time and in a flash,
Everything is one.
I'm left alone and helpless.
My heart starts pumping its slow, empty rhythm again.
You are gone again.
Just like that.
And the tears begin to stream again.
Every one for you.
I'm back to where I started.
Thinking of nothing but you.
Soon I wipe the last of the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.
I lift up my sleeve and inhale your quickly-fading scent.
I straighten myself up once again to pretend nothing is wrong,
When all I want is to know your heart still beats to the sound of rain.
I regretfully push the thoughts of you to the back of my mind.
Safely hidden from others,
And myself.
I keep telling myself I'm over you and to move on.
I can't.
You were taken away from me so violently fast that I didn't have a chance to get my heart back.
I don't want it back.
It's yours.
So I take one step in front of the other and try to convince my heart and my mind that you will come back to me or leave me forever.
One step in front of the other.
Ok, that was it. I wrote that in early 2009. Think it's pretty good for a freshman?
Me too.
Man, I was really fucking depressed.
HAHA I think I'm funny.
I had a massive headache today, but then it went away...
I'm in a really good mood. Like a REALLY good mood. I feel playful and hyper, and I wish Sunshine was with me right now... I miss him so much, he's gone with his FRIENDS. Has been since Tuesday. Lame jealousy! :)
So, I'm over-eating and not doing enough excersize. I didn't even go to the pool today, so I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm going to start running. My goal as of now is to run a mile nonstop in less than 10 minutes. Don't laugh at my un-fit-ness. It's not nice to laugh XD
Well since this post is long enough as it is, I guess I'll just stop it here. I feel like I need to say a whole lot more, but I don't know of what....
OH WELL!! :D
Loves <3
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