I feel like I am constantly transforming from one person, to another. One personality to another. My brain is always going, always working. Trying to remember, trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to plot revenge... It goes on and on, as a machine refusing to run out of power.
Too much is on my mind. Things that won't be laid to rest for a long time, I know. Some things that won't ever be solved.
I started thinking about the future, how things will change, and people I know will begin to disappear from my life. Some people already are. They are leaving in the most different of ways. They are all slowly drifting away from me. I can't really complain though, it's just how life is.
I've also been thinking a lot about my biological father. Who is he, REALLY? What are his morals, REALLY? What are his secrets? I don't know anything about him, yet we share blood. How did that come to be? He left his family. He loved his job more than he loved us, so that was the end and the new beginning for my sister and mother and I.
The truth is, sometime within the next 4 or 5 years, I know, I KNOW, something happened. I just don't know what. I've been repressing my memories Sometimes violent images of what might have happened bombard my dreams, the faceless demon forever haunts my nights.
And, besides the fact that I know, I know he knows. I know it. If only I could get him to confess to me, without any questions from me.
Tragically, I don't think I will ever get it out of him.
I'm kind of scared that he'll die, and I'll regret not getting to know him. But honestly, I've TRIED. I've really tried hard. He just doesn't WANT to be my DAD. He's just a shadow in my life. So I don't know what to do as far as he goes.
I found out some... shocking information about someone very close to me. I won't say any more than that, but that is one thing that won't be solved for a while. I have to solve it on my own, the others aren't willing to help.
I wish people would understand me. Sometimes, I can't control what I feel or think or even do. Sometimes I'm in a crazy, hyperactive state. Other times I am in a hazy, foggy, tired daze. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but I don't like it.
Mother is sending me some stuff on Tuesday. I'm excited to get it. There's some PMS stuff in there that I am really looking forward to having!!! I get awful PMS.
Well, I think that is about all I want to say here, I'll get back to you soon. Probably.
~LadyWar~
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Levels
So, today the little group I'm involved in went to a high elements ropes course, it was really fun! I learned a lot and got to talk to people I don't usually talk to. It was nice to kind of step out of that little box I call a comfort zone.
Also, applied to the shopping center across the street, I'm really hoping I get the job. Sunshine also applied, and he has ALREADY gotten a call back and asked to come in for an interview! Wow! Jeez! If only they had that much of a desire to hire someone like ME :P
Also, I donated blood on Monday. Strange experience. Donated a pint in three minutes, fastest time all day, and almost passed out from losing that much blood so quickly! Haha! But I think it's something I'd do again. If only I could control the speed of the flow of my blood!
Now I shall vent a little. Complain, if you will. Lol. This is to a "friend" that I no longer really talk to anymore.
Hey, I just wanted to say hi. We don't really talk anymore, which is sad. I feel like I'm just completely left out of the loop everywhere I go, and I guess that's my fault. I don't take the initiative to say anything or start things with anyone. And when I do it's just awkward and boring and I never know what to do or say. I guess I'm just an awkward person. I have found myself becoming concerned for my friends' well being and their future. Which also bothers me. I don't think that I need to flood myself with worries if those people I'm worried about don't want help and don't care. I dunno. I guess I'm just venting. But I know I can tell you things, even though we never really talk. I miss the old days, when we didn't have to worry, when I didn't feel insignificant in peoples' lives. I mean I know I'm everything to Sunshine, and he's my everything, it's just I'm lacking in the "Friends" division. I mean yeah, sure, I have "friends". But people I can talk to? People I can open up to? Not so much. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is 3000 miles away. I love her to death and it pains me to even think about how much I miss her..
That's all I'll write on that. I will probably not even say all that to her. Maybe just hi. I dunno. Whatever.
Time goes by so quickly, people need to enjoy the good times, and learn from the bad.
Thanks for being patient with me. :)
Also, applied to the shopping center across the street, I'm really hoping I get the job. Sunshine also applied, and he has ALREADY gotten a call back and asked to come in for an interview! Wow! Jeez! If only they had that much of a desire to hire someone like ME :P
Also, I donated blood on Monday. Strange experience. Donated a pint in three minutes, fastest time all day, and almost passed out from losing that much blood so quickly! Haha! But I think it's something I'd do again. If only I could control the speed of the flow of my blood!
Now I shall vent a little. Complain, if you will. Lol. This is to a "friend" that I no longer really talk to anymore.
Hey, I just wanted to say hi. We don't really talk anymore, which is sad. I feel like I'm just completely left out of the loop everywhere I go, and I guess that's my fault. I don't take the initiative to say anything or start things with anyone. And when I do it's just awkward and boring and I never know what to do or say. I guess I'm just an awkward person. I have found myself becoming concerned for my friends' well being and their future. Which also bothers me. I don't think that I need to flood myself with worries if those people I'm worried about don't want help and don't care. I dunno. I guess I'm just venting. But I know I can tell you things, even though we never really talk. I miss the old days, when we didn't have to worry, when I didn't feel insignificant in peoples' lives. I mean I know I'm everything to Sunshine, and he's my everything, it's just I'm lacking in the "Friends" division. I mean yeah, sure, I have "friends". But people I can talk to? People I can open up to? Not so much. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is 3000 miles away. I love her to death and it pains me to even think about how much I miss her..
That's all I'll write on that. I will probably not even say all that to her. Maybe just hi. I dunno. Whatever.
Time goes by so quickly, people need to enjoy the good times, and learn from the bad.
Thanks for being patient with me. :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Dreams
I walked into the barn house. Mother waited anxiously, for what I did not know. I sit with her. Soon, we hear the rumble of Dad's truck, and a trailer pulling behind it. We run outside. It is cloudy, slightly chilly, snow is beginning to fall. I look outside at our land. We have a barn area attached to the house, that is covered. Across the dirt road is a small pond with a stream. In the pond is a beaver den... I decide to take a closer look later.
Dad opens up the trailer, and out walks a wobbly, long-legged brown calf. She was beautiful. We lead her into the barn area and decided to name her Bessie. Original I know. She was like a dog, she was so sweet. As time went on, we began easing her in to being a dairy cow. Dad decided to buy a bull, a huge, strong black bull. As he was on his way to get the bull, I decided to finally go investigate the beaver den.
I made my way across the frozen pond to the den. As I got closer, I found a door. A door on a beaver den? Suspicious. I open it up, the inside is radiating heat, is fully lit, and has bookshelves, a chandelier, a full furniture set. I'm baffled. There are no beavers in this den!
I sit on the couch, and take in my surroundings. It's like the world outside completely disappeared.
"Thought you'd find this place soon."
I jumped at the voice, and turned towards it. There stood a raggedy blonde girl. She was probably 20, had waist-length hair, it was wavy and a bit frizzy. After her followed a 20 year old man. He had shoulder-length straight smooth hair, and was six and a half feet tall.
I was speechless. They both snickered and whispered about me. After a while, they told me to get up and follow them. We were going somewhere.
Where could we possibly go from a BEAVER DEN?
They walked into a door. I followed.
All of the sudden, I felt as though I was stretched, pulled, shrank, and dissolved all at the same time. All around me was grey, black, and blue. In an instant, I was in a house I'd never been in before. The couple was standing, waiting for me. They told me to explore, and go through other doors if I wanted, but I had to remember which doors I went through, and I should avoid picking the "wrong" doors. Whatever that meant.
I walked down some stairs. the house was mostly empty, painted white, made of wood. I found a chest, painted white as well. I opened it, and a dark mist surrounded me. I heard heavy breathing, and a demonic threatening voice invaded my ears.
"You picked wrong. Try again before its too late..."
I panicked, and slammed the chest door closed.
I continued exploring, and found another door.
After several changes through these portal doors, I arrived at some sort of fancy wal-mart. Cool stuff. I wanted a new fish. But I needed at least a 75 gallon tank. I went to the pet department. They had a ton of tanks out on display. The deal posted was, "1 dollar per gallon!" Wow, that's a great deal. I started looking at these set up aquariums. They had fish, and everything in them. Just so you could see what they looked like outside the box.
Problem was, all of the fish were either dying or dead. They were all brilliant colors one minute, and the next they were brownish black, and dead, laying at the bottom of these gorgeous tanks.
There was one fish though, in a 96 gallon tank. He was about 9 inches long, and looked kind of threatening. He was ugly, mostly brown, and looked like he had drippings of himself hanging off of him. Apparently, he was the main attraction. He had a sign above him telling about how active and lively a fish he was. I looked at the fish. There was a machine used to feed him, but there was no other decoration in the tank itself. To feed the fish, you'd insert ten cents into a slot, and some food would dump into his tank. All that fish did was sit on the bottom of that tank and wait for food to drop to him. He'd eat some, but throw the rest back up. It was really sad. I fell in love with this fish and he was so lifeless, so unloved by everyone else despite the signs...
When I finally made my way back to the beaver den, Bessie was full-grown, and pregnant with a calf. Her and the bull stayed together in a small pasture, Bessie was so happy to see me.
It began to snow, ever so lightly. Even though I knew I should stay home with my parents and the farm, I realized I could go anywhere with that beaver den and those doors. So I went back into the den, and woke up.
Dad opens up the trailer, and out walks a wobbly, long-legged brown calf. She was beautiful. We lead her into the barn area and decided to name her Bessie. Original I know. She was like a dog, she was so sweet. As time went on, we began easing her in to being a dairy cow. Dad decided to buy a bull, a huge, strong black bull. As he was on his way to get the bull, I decided to finally go investigate the beaver den.
I made my way across the frozen pond to the den. As I got closer, I found a door. A door on a beaver den? Suspicious. I open it up, the inside is radiating heat, is fully lit, and has bookshelves, a chandelier, a full furniture set. I'm baffled. There are no beavers in this den!
I sit on the couch, and take in my surroundings. It's like the world outside completely disappeared.
"Thought you'd find this place soon."
I jumped at the voice, and turned towards it. There stood a raggedy blonde girl. She was probably 20, had waist-length hair, it was wavy and a bit frizzy. After her followed a 20 year old man. He had shoulder-length straight smooth hair, and was six and a half feet tall.
I was speechless. They both snickered and whispered about me. After a while, they told me to get up and follow them. We were going somewhere.
Where could we possibly go from a BEAVER DEN?
They walked into a door. I followed.
All of the sudden, I felt as though I was stretched, pulled, shrank, and dissolved all at the same time. All around me was grey, black, and blue. In an instant, I was in a house I'd never been in before. The couple was standing, waiting for me. They told me to explore, and go through other doors if I wanted, but I had to remember which doors I went through, and I should avoid picking the "wrong" doors. Whatever that meant.
I walked down some stairs. the house was mostly empty, painted white, made of wood. I found a chest, painted white as well. I opened it, and a dark mist surrounded me. I heard heavy breathing, and a demonic threatening voice invaded my ears.
"You picked wrong. Try again before its too late..."
I panicked, and slammed the chest door closed.
I continued exploring, and found another door.
After several changes through these portal doors, I arrived at some sort of fancy wal-mart. Cool stuff. I wanted a new fish. But I needed at least a 75 gallon tank. I went to the pet department. They had a ton of tanks out on display. The deal posted was, "1 dollar per gallon!" Wow, that's a great deal. I started looking at these set up aquariums. They had fish, and everything in them. Just so you could see what they looked like outside the box.
Problem was, all of the fish were either dying or dead. They were all brilliant colors one minute, and the next they were brownish black, and dead, laying at the bottom of these gorgeous tanks.
There was one fish though, in a 96 gallon tank. He was about 9 inches long, and looked kind of threatening. He was ugly, mostly brown, and looked like he had drippings of himself hanging off of him. Apparently, he was the main attraction. He had a sign above him telling about how active and lively a fish he was. I looked at the fish. There was a machine used to feed him, but there was no other decoration in the tank itself. To feed the fish, you'd insert ten cents into a slot, and some food would dump into his tank. All that fish did was sit on the bottom of that tank and wait for food to drop to him. He'd eat some, but throw the rest back up. It was really sad. I fell in love with this fish and he was so lifeless, so unloved by everyone else despite the signs...
When I finally made my way back to the beaver den, Bessie was full-grown, and pregnant with a calf. Her and the bull stayed together in a small pasture, Bessie was so happy to see me.
It began to snow, ever so lightly. Even though I knew I should stay home with my parents and the farm, I realized I could go anywhere with that beaver den and those doors. So I went back into the den, and woke up.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Lisztomania
It's almost the end of the year, so I'm going to take a review of this year, rant a little about random stuff, then tell you about my new year's resolutions, which I intend to keep. Which everyone always says... :)
I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)
I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.
I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.
Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.
Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.
Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.
Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!
Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.
Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.
Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.
Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.
Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.
Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.
With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.
----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3
I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)
I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.
I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.
Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.
Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.
Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.
Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!
Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.
Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.
Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.
Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.
Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.
Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.
With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.
----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3
Friday, December 9, 2011
TurnItDown
Oh gosh, so much has happened. Yes, I realize it's past midnight and yes, I realize it's been FOREVER. Shut up, okay?
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
CleverLove
It's been a while!!!
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Zero
I currently feel rather shitty.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
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