RememberMeAsATimeOfDay

Dear Dad, (if I can call you that for a moment here), I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every day. That's probably more than you think about me, which is okay. I know you're doing your best, you didn't really have an example... So I guess I understand. Honestly though, I miss you. Well, I miss the little memories that I have of when I was little, and it was actually important to spend time with me. I miss going out and doing things together, I miss smiling and laughing and talking. I miss having that connection to someone with who I share half of my DNA with. You're ignorant, "busy", frustrating, manipulative, and confused. You are confused, and I know that. I wish you would stop pushing your daughters away. When Crane wanted to live with you, you held on too tightly, yet you didn't give a shit when the bitch yelled at her. I'm really sad that she didn't get to really spend good quality time with you, mostly because of her. Crane WANTED to be with you, it seems like you'd do ANYTHING to keep her there, but you didn't. I guess that's okay though, again, you are kind of new at this whole "dad" thing, even after 18 years. I wish you actually wanted to talk to me. I wish you actually showed interest in me. I see where I get some of my attitude and character, but some things, I just don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew you, so that I knew myself. And when I actually do come to visit, your new family just glares at me, and completely ignores Crane and I until they are FORCED to be with us or talk to us. We feel completely unwelcome and shunned. I don't know what's more frustrating, that bitch or your blissful ignorance as to what is really happening. I don't know who you are, and you don't know who I am. Do you care, because I do. I know that sometimes, okay a lot of the times, it seems like I don't really care. I'm just bitter. I just think too hard about things, I know that you don't mean to hurt me or make me feel lost, but your actions make me think that you do mean those things. But I know that you don't ever want me to feel that way, right? I am very grateful for Eagle, for taking us under his wings, and filling in that dad position, but I want a relationship with you, Father. I don't know what to do. I'm coming to Colorado in a few days, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for all these years of me pushing you away. Please try to be there for me, even if it's just a little bit. I love you.