FoldsInYourHands

Shut up, I know. It's been a while. Whatever. I can post when I want, and I don't need to post when I don't want to. Right? :)

I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but to the few of you that actually read this or those of you who stumble upon it, if you feel like you're going to be offended, DON'T READ IT. Simple. It's MY blog, MY stuff, My thoughts, MINE. Not yours. So I don't care how you feel about what I do or do not write.

A lot has been going on lately, I'm not sure what I mentioned in my last entry, but I'll just tell you what's happening, then I may or may not go into detail. Depending on what I'm feelin'.

So starting about a week and a half ago, my mother had started acting strange towards me. Any time she caught me alone, she would bitch me out for ANYTHING she found fit. ANYTHING. It was kind of ridiculous. Then when I went over to Sunshine's one day, she tightened her...we'll call it her "parental grip" on me. She ordered me to do this, not to do that. She claimed to have never said things that we all know she said. I was confused and lost, I'd done nothing wrong, but here I was being called "manipulative" and a "liar". ME?! Aww whatever. She made me walk home the first night, 3.5 miles at 10pm, I might add. The second night she agreed to pick me up. She of course bitched me out the entire ride home, not asking how I was, what I did, how my day went. Anything.

So that's what started this.

People have been telling me I'm acting different. I don't know, maybe I am. But it's not just one person who is telling me that. Well, maybe a little exploration of what happened between last weekend and now will open all our eyes. Shall we explore?

Monday was pretty fine. Skipped school with Sunshine, it was his birthday.
That's the night that mother bitched me out on the way home, I do believe.

Tuesday I think I received some news. Unsettling news. I don't think I'll go into detail about that... But it's about my mom. I might go into it in the form of a letter I wrote to her, one of those ones she'll never get. Later though, later.

Wednesday I was dead tired, had to take TAKS tests. Stupid standardized tests. I'm sure I told you about them earlier sometime. Took about three hours. Strangely exhausted me the rest of the day. Not sure what else happened that day.

Thursday... still not sure what happened most of the day, but I had TAKS.

Friday....had TAKS again. Sunshine got my hopes up, thought he might get to spend much needed time with me, he couldn't go to his friend's house. I was the "back up plan", basically. Which makes me feel great.
Especially since he found plans with his long-lost friend an hour away. He's staying the night and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, I have separation anxiety. It sucks.
I guess I'm most angry about him leaving because I'm jealous. I wish I could re-unite with my long-lost friends... With all my heart. Well, mostly Snowflake... but still. I love you Snowflake :) if you're reading this.
On top of all that happening though, I had to babysit. Which normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but Crane wasn't here and Sunshine was gone, and what's happening with my mom just made me dread the whole night.

So here I am. What to do now, what to do.

OH! I'm reading a new book. It's about 400 pages long. I'm so addicted to it. I checked it out yesterday morning and I'm only 15 short pages from being done with it. It's GREAT. It's sexy, insane, slightly innocent in a way, edge-of-your-seat good! It's called "Nightshade". I can't tell you what it's about, it'll spoil it ;)

Now, I don't know if I already posted this last year, but I'm going to post it again. I just found it in my nightstand, and I thought it was pretty good. It's not great. But it's pretty good. Here goes...



May 22, 2010

She smiled. I'd known her my whole life.
But this was different.
Her eyes were ablaze with that of faked happiness and calm.
No, not faked. But mimicked.
They made her like this.
They made me worried.
There were too many of them too often.
I felt lost by her sudden reliance on them.
She didn't need them.
We'd all seen her go without them
Ignore them.
But they've come back,
So strong now.
I'm sensitive,
Breathing through a straw is what it's like,
Adrenaline in your veins constantly is what it's like,
Sadness forever occupying your heart is what ti's like.
Hide the pain.
Hide the worry.
Hide the concern.
Hide it all.
Fake a smile,
A laugh if you must.
Don't tell her.
It'll be alright,
Maybe.
But this time,
It's different.



Alright, there went that. If you're going, "What the hell was that ABOUT, Kay?" Well, this might explain it. It might not. Either way, after this, I'm done. No more.



April 27, 2011

This is another one of those letters you'll never get. I just need to get things off my chest. Things I just can't tell you. A lot of this will seem out of order, but it's ok, right? You're my mommy, you'll understand, right? No, probably not, but I love you.
I've been in a lot of mental and emotional pain lately. A lot of stuff has been happening. It honestly feels like you're turning your back on me. I don't feel GOOD. I don't feel HAPPY. I don't feel SUPPORTED.
It seems that whenever you catch me alone, all you do is bitch me out. About anything. You falsely accuse me of "manipulation". Why would I do that to you? Lie to you like that? And yet, you still make me feel hated.
Only 17 days ago you gave me a coin. The pure, simple meaning of it is 9 months of sobriety.
Sorry, I'm writing fast.
To me, that little purple coin means so much more than 9 months of sobriety. It means a promise. A promise not only to stay sober, but to continue to care, love, nourish, understand, trust. I carried that coin around with me constantly.
Yesterday, you told me you were going to start drinking again. Besides that, you were already smoking regularly.
Quite honestly, my heart broke. You game me the same old speech of, "I've done research, I'll limit myself, I won't get bad..." all these things we all know are lies. You're stressed, you want to drown your feelings...
Mommy, I'm scared. I love you.
I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to be mom to the ones who are too young to understand They just got out of the habit of calling me "Mom"...
You're going to get hurt, you're going to lose yourself. We all know it, and I already see it happening.
I'm sorry, I love you.



That's it, I'm done. Goodnight, Quiet City

Never gonna quit fighting,
-LadyWar

ThePromise

We all know what I'm going to say, so I won't say it. I'm just going to jump right into things.

I recently celebrated my 7 month mark with Sunshine. I hope it lasts forever.

There has been quite a bit of drama, originating from my end. I overreact a lot and dismiss things I do that I know can't be right. But I'm working on it. I promised I'd try, and I am trying. It's hard though. To change how I've always,always been around people. You know how that can be? I figured you would...cuz...you're a blog. :P

Now I'm going to get into my creative writing portion. Just letting you know, most of this isn't creative at all. We've had these study halls in school every day and I have nothing better to do so I write. I've written several pages, so this might be a long one. Oh well. :)
Once again, if one of you feels like you MAY be offended in any way by reading these, just don't read them because I'm not sensoring myself for your selfish comfort. K?



Monday, April 11. 1:43pm
"Things About Friends"

Do you know what it feels like, not having anyone? You take your friends for granted, you aren't eternally grateful every time you call your friend, tell her all your troubles and worries. You go to the mall with her, watch movies with her, gossip, cry, sleep over, share secrets.
I love him and I'll always go to him with anything, but no one seems to understand that I need girl friends. Paint nails and have little inside jokes. Things that girlfriends do.


Same day, only a few minutes later
"Things About Boyfriends"

I've gone years through trial, error, together to broken up. My heart has been broken, I learned sometimes, and sometimes I didn't learn so quickly. I learned of all the people I could be molded into. I replaced their mom, their ex, their sister, their best friend. I could be dark and quiet, bright and loud, mysterious, trustworthy, happy, sad, sexual, not sexual, needy, independent, blind and oblivious, risky and random, cautious and observant. All of those are who I am, but none of them are singularly "me".
Plenty of times I was literally left "broken up" inside and out. I'd be lost and empty, no longer knowing who I was at all.
His fantasy of a relationship was now my nightmare. Without him, there was no more clay to mold me with, no one to mold me...leaving me empty. Those in my family and my best friends who knew me so well for who I was had to piece me together. Over a period of time, I'd be me again. But of all the little pieces, some were never found.
My lesson is to be with someone who loves you for who you really are, not who they want you to be, or who you're "replacing" in their life. It took me this long to find that person for me, who really loves me. Don't five up, you'll find yours someday. :)


Same day, a little while after
"Things About Family"

How many people can you say have a perfect family? 2 kids, never divorced parents, a nice house, solid income, good health? I've learned many things are broken and fixed, but never all the way fixed. Young parents with two toddlers divorce, both parents remarry, the two families silently fight for the two little girls, who now have two new half siblings. Both families move far way from the other, and fall to the economy.
Both families are broken, and fixed by their new "family". The two girls will forever live in confusion and conflict with who they are, while their father never calls or cares, forever.
Nothing is perfect, never expect it to be. You'll just be disappointed.


Same day, a little while later
"Things About School"

I've been to a number of schools in my life, some better than others, some experiences more memorable. The things we always remember are not the things we learn from teachers: the state capitals on the map, the equation for rational exponents or whatever, or what the teaching of "Of Mice And Men" is. We remember things from our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fun times outside the classroom are the things we really learn from. What do elementary kids look forward to? Recess three times a day! Middleschoolers look forward to lunch and art class, highschoolers look forward to lunch, study hall, and the weekend. The most valuable life lessons aren't always in a classroom.


April 12, 2011. 1:43pm
"Things About Death"

I'll keep this one pretty short. Everybody dies. Everything dies. Nothing lasts forever, don't expect it to. Death is a part of life that everyone will go through.


Same day, a few minutes later.
"Things About Mistakes"

Mistakes happen all the time. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept what's happened and move on.


Same day, a few minutes later.

Don't you ever get sick of being admired,
Maybe you'll just get fired.
Don't have to worry about that anymore.
Just go ahead and walk out that door.
Do it like your father did when you were five.
Turn your family to an angry bee hive.
You say your heart is healing,
but what are you really feeling?


April 13, 2011. 1:56pm.

Some things that happen to people...No one deserves it. No one. I mean what could someone possibly do to deserve all that? It's like things were bad enough, it isn't fair. I know people will say "Life isn't fair". I'll give them a high five and say, "Hell yeah, that's true."


Same day.

My justice wasn't done
All I knew how to do was run.
It's what I've done all my life.
All I need is to remove that knife.
The one he put in me all those years ago.
Who he is I don't even know.
My justice will never be done. Rising soon on your story will be the sun.
I'll help and be here for you.
Until my heart is black and blue.
You will not be alone,
Justice will be served.


April 14,2011. 1:43pm
"B"

Beautiful is
Believing in who you are.
Being something you aren't can end
Badly.
Bleed out my heart for you, I hope you feel
Better now that you can
Breathe without feeling suffocated, your face isn't so
Blue and you can have the courage to give his
Bullets
Back.
Bring your hope, love, and happiness. Leave your
Black roses crying.
Be strong, you can do this, you're so
Bright.
Busy is as busy does, so you must learn to
Balance aspects of your life. Your
Baby is all grown up.


Same day, a few minutes later.
"S"

Show me your
Secrets, don't be afraid. Never
Sacrifice what is rightfully yours. Always be
Sure of who you are, only you can know your
Story by heart. I know things can seem
So certain and laid out.
She is love, threw away her mistakes to the
Streets, they joined her
Sorrows. She has the power to finally
Stand up for who she is.







So yeah, that's about it. I wrote some amazing place poems today, I'll be sure to get those up here asap! :)

Loves <3