FoldsInYourHands

Shut up, I know. It's been a while. Whatever. I can post when I want, and I don't need to post when I don't want to. Right? :)

I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but to the few of you that actually read this or those of you who stumble upon it, if you feel like you're going to be offended, DON'T READ IT. Simple. It's MY blog, MY stuff, My thoughts, MINE. Not yours. So I don't care how you feel about what I do or do not write.

A lot has been going on lately, I'm not sure what I mentioned in my last entry, but I'll just tell you what's happening, then I may or may not go into detail. Depending on what I'm feelin'.

So starting about a week and a half ago, my mother had started acting strange towards me. Any time she caught me alone, she would bitch me out for ANYTHING she found fit. ANYTHING. It was kind of ridiculous. Then when I went over to Sunshine's one day, she tightened her...we'll call it her "parental grip" on me. She ordered me to do this, not to do that. She claimed to have never said things that we all know she said. I was confused and lost, I'd done nothing wrong, but here I was being called "manipulative" and a "liar". ME?! Aww whatever. She made me walk home the first night, 3.5 miles at 10pm, I might add. The second night she agreed to pick me up. She of course bitched me out the entire ride home, not asking how I was, what I did, how my day went. Anything.

So that's what started this.

People have been telling me I'm acting different. I don't know, maybe I am. But it's not just one person who is telling me that. Well, maybe a little exploration of what happened between last weekend and now will open all our eyes. Shall we explore?

Monday was pretty fine. Skipped school with Sunshine, it was his birthday.
That's the night that mother bitched me out on the way home, I do believe.

Tuesday I think I received some news. Unsettling news. I don't think I'll go into detail about that... But it's about my mom. I might go into it in the form of a letter I wrote to her, one of those ones she'll never get. Later though, later.

Wednesday I was dead tired, had to take TAKS tests. Stupid standardized tests. I'm sure I told you about them earlier sometime. Took about three hours. Strangely exhausted me the rest of the day. Not sure what else happened that day.

Thursday... still not sure what happened most of the day, but I had TAKS.

Friday....had TAKS again. Sunshine got my hopes up, thought he might get to spend much needed time with me, he couldn't go to his friend's house. I was the "back up plan", basically. Which makes me feel great.
Especially since he found plans with his long-lost friend an hour away. He's staying the night and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, I have separation anxiety. It sucks.
I guess I'm most angry about him leaving because I'm jealous. I wish I could re-unite with my long-lost friends... With all my heart. Well, mostly Snowflake... but still. I love you Snowflake :) if you're reading this.
On top of all that happening though, I had to babysit. Which normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but Crane wasn't here and Sunshine was gone, and what's happening with my mom just made me dread the whole night.

So here I am. What to do now, what to do.

OH! I'm reading a new book. It's about 400 pages long. I'm so addicted to it. I checked it out yesterday morning and I'm only 15 short pages from being done with it. It's GREAT. It's sexy, insane, slightly innocent in a way, edge-of-your-seat good! It's called "Nightshade". I can't tell you what it's about, it'll spoil it ;)

Now, I don't know if I already posted this last year, but I'm going to post it again. I just found it in my nightstand, and I thought it was pretty good. It's not great. But it's pretty good. Here goes...



May 22, 2010

She smiled. I'd known her my whole life.
But this was different.
Her eyes were ablaze with that of faked happiness and calm.
No, not faked. But mimicked.
They made her like this.
They made me worried.
There were too many of them too often.
I felt lost by her sudden reliance on them.
She didn't need them.
We'd all seen her go without them
Ignore them.
But they've come back,
So strong now.
I'm sensitive,
Breathing through a straw is what it's like,
Adrenaline in your veins constantly is what it's like,
Sadness forever occupying your heart is what ti's like.
Hide the pain.
Hide the worry.
Hide the concern.
Hide it all.
Fake a smile,
A laugh if you must.
Don't tell her.
It'll be alright,
Maybe.
But this time,
It's different.



Alright, there went that. If you're going, "What the hell was that ABOUT, Kay?" Well, this might explain it. It might not. Either way, after this, I'm done. No more.



April 27, 2011

This is another one of those letters you'll never get. I just need to get things off my chest. Things I just can't tell you. A lot of this will seem out of order, but it's ok, right? You're my mommy, you'll understand, right? No, probably not, but I love you.
I've been in a lot of mental and emotional pain lately. A lot of stuff has been happening. It honestly feels like you're turning your back on me. I don't feel GOOD. I don't feel HAPPY. I don't feel SUPPORTED.
It seems that whenever you catch me alone, all you do is bitch me out. About anything. You falsely accuse me of "manipulation". Why would I do that to you? Lie to you like that? And yet, you still make me feel hated.
Only 17 days ago you gave me a coin. The pure, simple meaning of it is 9 months of sobriety.
Sorry, I'm writing fast.
To me, that little purple coin means so much more than 9 months of sobriety. It means a promise. A promise not only to stay sober, but to continue to care, love, nourish, understand, trust. I carried that coin around with me constantly.
Yesterday, you told me you were going to start drinking again. Besides that, you were already smoking regularly.
Quite honestly, my heart broke. You game me the same old speech of, "I've done research, I'll limit myself, I won't get bad..." all these things we all know are lies. You're stressed, you want to drown your feelings...
Mommy, I'm scared. I love you.
I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to be mom to the ones who are too young to understand They just got out of the habit of calling me "Mom"...
You're going to get hurt, you're going to lose yourself. We all know it, and I already see it happening.
I'm sorry, I love you.



That's it, I'm done. Goodnight, Quiet City

Never gonna quit fighting,
-LadyWar