TheFeelAgain

Things have happened that I never wish happened. I left Sunshine, I moved back with my family. I don't know what to feel, or what to think. I'm afraid he hates me, that's my biggest fear right now. I get sick thinking of what I've done, I can't eat. Is it too soon to know if I'm truly happier here? I'll give it awhile, even if I'm not happy here, he won't take me back. Not after what I've said, what I've done, what I haven't done. At least I tried to communicate with him, try to keep the hate from boiling within him. But I understand if he hates me, I would too. I just wish that if he did hate me, he'd at least tell me. Ignoring me is the worst pain. It isn't worse than knowing I'll never have him again. It feels like a part of me has died, will the phoenix rise from the ashes? I suppose it is too soon to tell. At least I'm not alone here. Although, being alone is what I wish for right now. I know that it's best if I'm not left alone though. The worst thing is... Have I cried since I left? No. Have I even stopped to think that this is a horrible mistake? No, not really. I know that for right now, this is what is best for me. I need help, I need education, I need somewhere new. I probably WILL be happier here, eventually. But at the expense of losing him? I don't know. I feel horrible. I up and left within a matter of two hours. I just left. I didn't say anything to anyone, none of my friends, no one. I feel awful for that. I was just such a mess, I couldn't think of doing anything besides getting away before I changed my mind. All of my big accomplishments, all of the things I'm oh so very proud of, everything that made me keep on going, was thanks to him. What have I done? He's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, he's gotten me through so much, I don't know what to do without him. I still catch myself calling out his name when I see something funny, or think of a silly joke. Why didn't I just stay? Why didn't I just wait 2 measly years? I lied, I said I was interested in seeing other people. I'm not. I can't imagine being with anyone else, ever. I love him, with a glorious love, and I just want him to know how truly sorry I am. I hope that someday, we can both come to forgive me. Signing off for a while again, LadyWar

LetMeGo

Truth is... I miss my family I miss my friends I miss being able to carry on conversations with people I used to know I fuck up I fuck up hard and I lose those friends But the thing is, it wasn't even me. You don't give a fuck about me. There are some of you I simply cannot talk to, I just can't. It brings up the pain and the rejection, but worst of all, the terribly amazing memories we share. "Dry my eyes so you won't know, dry my eyes so it won't show." Then when I DO have the chance to rekindle friendships, I FUCK THEM UP. What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously? I feel so alone, I know I'm not, I KNOW that there will always be people there for me. Problem is, only one of them is here with me. Those words cut me deep, deeper than you'll ever know. Sorry I hurt you, but you can't just be "completely blunt" with me, and not expect me to be hurt by it. I've gone through things that you can't even imagine going through. I'm sorry, but "I'm sorry, now YOU fix our mistakes" isn't good enough for me this time. I've fixed too many people's mistakes in my life to just fucking take that shit and be fine with it. Sorry, but "no thank you" isn't good enough this time. So here's my rebuttal: Fuck you.

AssBackHome

Well, life is... eventful. Got a car on my own finally. Working like crazy, stressing like crazy and it hasn't even begun yet. I don't know what's up with me, one second I'm close to tears just THINKING. The next I'm laughing my ass off for no fucking reason. But right now I feel like I want to cry. It's so dumb, I miss my people, I miss that stupid immature feeling of just running around chasing friends and not having a care in the world. I miss having sleepovers, I miss telling dumb ghost stories that secretly scared us both XD I miss waking up late on a Saturday morning to make lumpy pancakes and greasy bacon. I don't know why I'm thinking so hard about all of this, but right now I just wish that life was as easy as it was.

LoveTheWayYouLiePt2

It’s so loud Inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I can’t take back the words I never said I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets How much money does it take to really make a full clip 9/11 building 7 did they really pull it Uhh, And a bunch of other cover ups Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut The school was garbage in the first place, that's on the up and up Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust You get it then they move it so you never keeping up enough If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the fucks” Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such And that ain't Jersey Shore, homie that's the news And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit That's why I ain't vote for him, next one either I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful And I believe in the people. It’s so loud inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I can’t take back the words I never said Now you can say it ain't our fault if we never heard it But if we know better than we probably deserve it Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship? Murdering is not Islam! And you are not observant And you are not a muslim Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the Kush went Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for? Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up? Just listening to Pac ain't gone make it stop A rebel in your thoughts, ain't gon make it halt If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor Pills with million side effects Take em when the pains felt Wash them down with Diet soda! Killin off your brain cells Crooked banks around the World Would gladly give a loan today So if you ever miss a payment They can take your home away! It’s so loud inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said, never said I can’t take back the words I never said I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through It’s so loud Inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I "asked" for one thing for the past 3.5 years. I won't get it. It's fine, our paths will cross again someday... The person I've really had a connection to, the person who has been a friend to me for years, dealing with my bullshit, helping me through everything. All I really have now are a couple of pictures and a hundred hand written teenage notes about boys. At least its something. Distance does do damage to any friendship, relationship, etc. Don't tell me it doesn't.

F-StopBlues

Death is a natural part of life, everything dies eventually, and I thought I had accepted that fact, even embraced it as a great passing into a better place. It's easy enough when that's said about myself, but when it's about others I love, I just don't know... death's a weird thing. My grandfather has Alzheimers and a few other medical conditions, he's had a great life, it's been very fulfilling, and he's been healthy all his life. He's getting very old, and it's just about his time. I cannot imagine how my father is feeling, his own parent withering away... Honestly I don't look forward to those days where I take Dad's spot beside the hospital bed. On a lighter note, it's Sunshine and mine's 2 year anniversary today! We're going out to eat and buying eachother fancy $10 skins in League of Legends because we can't afford anything else XD We're going to Johnny Carino's, he's never been, and it's my absolute favorite restaurant. I hope he likes it, I'm sure he will. I love him so much, I really look forward the the years to come with him. He makes me so happy and makes me feel so whole, he means the world to me. He's always there for me, and I can never show all of my appreciation no matter what lengths I go to. I'm so happy we're together, I don't know where I'd be without him!!!

Jealousy

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it. She's your girlfriend. But really, I think I should matter more... Whatever. I'm just jealous. And poor. I want to go places and do things but I can't, I have no money. I'm waiting on this job at Target to get back to me...Still. I'll call them tomorrow. Everyone's pissing me off. I don't like it. I think I'll eat some chocolate now. You never get to fucking see me and all you can do is complain about how you don't get to see them... ugh. I wish my best friend could come visit me. We'd have so much fun. I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems. Actually be able to say goodbye this time and not have that lingering feeling of "where is she?"

RememberMeAsATimeOfDay

Dear Dad, (if I can call you that for a moment here), I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every day. That's probably more than you think about me, which is okay. I know you're doing your best, you didn't really have an example... So I guess I understand. Honestly though, I miss you. Well, I miss the little memories that I have of when I was little, and it was actually important to spend time with me. I miss going out and doing things together, I miss smiling and laughing and talking. I miss having that connection to someone with who I share half of my DNA with. You're ignorant, "busy", frustrating, manipulative, and confused. You are confused, and I know that. I wish you would stop pushing your daughters away. When Crane wanted to live with you, you held on too tightly, yet you didn't give a shit when the bitch yelled at her. I'm really sad that she didn't get to really spend good quality time with you, mostly because of her. Crane WANTED to be with you, it seems like you'd do ANYTHING to keep her there, but you didn't. I guess that's okay though, again, you are kind of new at this whole "dad" thing, even after 18 years. I wish you actually wanted to talk to me. I wish you actually showed interest in me. I see where I get some of my attitude and character, but some things, I just don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew you, so that I knew myself. And when I actually do come to visit, your new family just glares at me, and completely ignores Crane and I until they are FORCED to be with us or talk to us. We feel completely unwelcome and shunned. I don't know what's more frustrating, that bitch or your blissful ignorance as to what is really happening. I don't know who you are, and you don't know who I am. Do you care, because I do. I know that sometimes, okay a lot of the times, it seems like I don't really care. I'm just bitter. I just think too hard about things, I know that you don't mean to hurt me or make me feel lost, but your actions make me think that you do mean those things. But I know that you don't ever want me to feel that way, right? I am very grateful for Eagle, for taking us under his wings, and filling in that dad position, but I want a relationship with you, Father. I don't know what to do. I'm coming to Colorado in a few days, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for all these years of me pushing you away. Please try to be there for me, even if it's just a little bit. I love you.