I love you,
I know you love me too.
Sometimes times seem long,
But you just remind me, "Be strong."
Before you I was made of broken pieces,
I was insecure,
I was uneasy, depressed, distrustful.
You turned me into something beautiful.
I can be happy about being me.
I can finally see,
That we really are meant to be.
There's spark in my eyes that wasn't there before,
I love you all the way to my core.
I pray that we'll be together forever,
Our love will never sever.


You're my everything. These wings can take me away from this place I can't stand, right to you. Your eyes are my sanctuary, your heart is my home, your arms always keep me safe.
I know sometimes I lose my worried mind. I go crazy, but you still love me, you still want me even when I seem to be someone else.
You think I'm amazing, and I don't understand.
I don't understand why,
I don't understand how,
I don't understand how someone could ever think this mess of a person is "amazing."


You're my saving grace,
I just want to stay.
I'll always be yours,
I always was yours.


You're the sunshine coming through the cement to reach the flower, trapped in a sea of everything that says she's impossible. You are the sunshine saving me when I'm in the middle of everything that could be bad.
All I have to do is think of you, of us, and everything seems a little bit better, I grow a little bit stronger.


I really do want to be with you forever. I know I sound like a typical love-struck teenager, but I've never felt this.

Sure, there were different "connections". But do you want to know something? You want to know a few things? If not, don't read, if you want to know what THEY were really about, I'll show you.

P: Long distance, I never met him in person. I was young and stupid. He was probably some weirdo 50 year old...

R: Oh, a little 8th grade fling. Meant nothing. He's probably gay, now that I really look at it. Once we parted, we never spoke again.

M: I finally said yes after him constantly harassing me to date him. 8th grade. When he finally approached me asking my why I wasn't acting like his girl, I told him I wasn't and skipped away happily while he fumed, smoke practically coming out of his ears.

E: He was some stupid freshman crush that I had. He was a junior. Nothing ever happened. I danced with him once at homecoming... It was completely awkward, and I realized he wasn't the one for me... That didn't stop me from occasionally stalking him through the halls though... :)

M2: Same thing as the first M, harassed me til I said yes, but we never acted like we were dating.

C: Recommended by my friend B, who you'll hear about later. He was just desperate and wanted to get into my pants. He tried to make me like his friends. He tried to make me into a mother figure for him. Didn't work too well.

T: Not exactly sure why I fell for him. He was dark and mysterious, a bad boy. We all know how the bad boys end: badly. But he also tried to change me. I was his councelor, the one he complained to, I wasn't happy.

B: Got his "girlfriend" pregnant, "fell" for me, after I moved to another state. It was all bullshit.

C (same one): He had no friends, no one else who gave a damn about his pathetic drama. Kinda forgot about him.

D: He was my good friend from where I used to live. We were really close. Tried dating, went ok, he cheated on me. My feelings for him were over.

D2: Some asshole. Don't even wanna go there. He lied and cheated and lied some more.

W: Again don't need to even talk about him. Asshole who changed the entirety of who I was. Left me broken and used. And I'm not the only girl he's done it to.

Thing is, I never really was happy at all with any of them. Sure, if you wanna call those THINGS "connections", then go ahead. Sometimes people are just better off friends, or not even talking at all.

But you, you're different. You accept me for who I am. I'm yours, all yours. I'm finally learning to do everything how I was meant to. I'm learning to breathe again, I'm learning to love and live. I love you with all my being. Understand that, I'm never letting you go. I love you.

YourArmsFeelLikeHome

I'm gonna find something, hang on.

Found it. Mind you, I wrote this A LONG TIME AGO. Like three or four years ago. I have no idea what it was about.
Here goes.



"Last Chance Love"

The tears won't stop falling,
The tears that are for you.
And now I'm on my hands and knees, crawling helplessly for my life.
Where are you?
You are not here to save me this time,
I think as darkness surrounds me.
For a moment I wonder if you will show up as a bright light to scare the darkness away.
Then I know you won't.
But what I don't know is you are there.
On the other side,
Waiting for me.
I don't want to give up.
I long to feel your heartbeat on my fingertips again.
To interlace my fingers with yours.
Look into those shadowy blue eyes and feel the love radiating from you in waves.
Be with you forever.
I know its not going to happen,
But in my heart I wish it with all my strength left in me.
And then I'm surrounded by the dark.
My breaths are cold and shallow.
I feel familiar fingertips brush my cheek.
Ever so lightly.
I struggle to see your face.
No matter how many times I blink or grasp the empty air,
You are not there.
And yet I feel your cold hands on my face.
A tear rolls down my face and your fingers catch it.
This is the saddest I have ever been in my life.
You are right there.
So close.
And at the same time you're not.
I would give anything just to see you one last time.
I think this over and over.
Praying that somehow the darkness will leave and you will stay.
You promised me you would always be with me in my heart.
But I never knew it could be this painful.

(PT. II)

The darkness is sucked away slowly.
Your hands seem to try and grasp for me.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I don't want what is left of you to leave.
Even if it hurts so bad I could die.
With all of my power I reach blindly for you.
Our fingertips touch one last time and in a flash,
Everything is one.
I'm left alone and helpless.
My heart starts pumping its slow, empty rhythm again.
You are gone again.
Just like that.
And the tears begin to stream again.
Every one for you.
I'm back to where I started.
Thinking of nothing but you.
Soon I wipe the last of the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.
I lift up my sleeve and inhale your quickly-fading scent.
I straighten myself up once again to pretend nothing is wrong,
When all I want is to know your heart still beats to the sound of rain.
I regretfully push the thoughts of you to the back of my mind.
Safely hidden from others,
And myself.
I keep telling myself I'm over you and to move on.
I can't.
You were taken away from me so violently fast that I didn't have a chance to get my heart back.
I don't want it back.
It's yours.
So I take one step in front of the other and try to convince my heart and my mind that you will come back to me or leave me forever.
One step in front of the other.




Ok, that was it. I wrote that in early 2009. Think it's pretty good for a freshman?
Me too.
Man, I was really fucking depressed.
HAHA I think I'm funny.

I had a massive headache today, but then it went away...

I'm in a really good mood. Like a REALLY good mood. I feel playful and hyper, and I wish Sunshine was with me right now... I miss him so much, he's gone with his FRIENDS. Has been since Tuesday. Lame jealousy! :)

So, I'm over-eating and not doing enough excersize. I didn't even go to the pool today, so I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm going to start running. My goal as of now is to run a mile nonstop in less than 10 minutes. Don't laugh at my un-fit-ness. It's not nice to laugh XD

Well since this post is long enough as it is, I guess I'll just stop it here. I feel like I need to say a whole lot more, but I don't know of what....

OH WELL!! :D

Loves <3

CrashAndBurn

I didn't mean that. I do love you Daddy. You just pissed me off. I'm sorry. I love you.

My parents went out today for almost seven hours. I watched the little ones, plus Sunshine's little brother. He is an angel, so he wasn't a problem at all. We just did a lot, and I've been running on 5 hours of sleep, give or take. We went swimming and I carried a big swimming bag all the way there, UGH. I'm so tired.
I ordered dinners, I made snacks, I packed waterbottles, I sunscreened them, made more snacks, walked to the pool three quarters of a mile away in the 100 degree heat...Ok I think you understand that I'm tired. And taking care of three kids is a lot of work. Let this be a reminder to me, I'M ONLY HAVING TWO KIDS WHEN I GET OLDER. :) And after that I cleaned the whole house, dishes, counters, floors, the living room, the kids' rooms, bleahhhhh....

So by the end of the night all I want to do is rest.

Mother runs in, obviously drunk, stumbling saying she needs to pee. She stumbles into her room and I don't see her again. Dad greets me with a box of some delicious veggie pizza, so I'm happy. I sit down and begin munching on the wood-fired pizza. I can taste the flames in the dough, it's amazing. Dad goes off at me when I ask him what they did, where they went. He told me who I was, what I liked, and what I did not like. It pissed me off. I finally just stormed away knowing my cause was pointless, and he shouted after me "Ok, that's fine. I love you, I love you!!" And I said I didn't. So now I feel bad, I was just pissed off I shouldn't have said that.

Oh well, no one will remember anything tomorrow.

There are random cuts on my legs and I didn't really notice them at all until they started hurting in the pool. Ouch.

In other words, I've been reconnecting with Snowflake lately. I love her so much! I don't think she knows how much I care about her, but I'd literally do anything for her. She's such an amazing person.

I'm going to my biological father's in July. I'm excited for a few reasons:
The clean air,
The plane ride,
The airports (I LOVE AIRPORTS),
Seeing all the stars,
The animals,
Spending quality time with my sister,
Seeing my grandmother,
The small moments I'll see my biological dad... I guess...


I don't really have much else to say except I'm just done with the way things are going here with my family. Especially my mom. I guess I'm just mad because I love her and I care about her and she is doing all this bullshit stuff that she JUST DOESN'T NEED. Whatever, I'm done. Loves.

DuelingNinjas

So I DID already put it on my blog. I like it, so yeah haha. I drew a picture of a dragon on a 2.5ft by 1.7ft poster. I colored and shaded it with pencil, it turned out pretty badass. So yeah haha.

You know, there's a lot of things I miss:
The friends,
The trust,
The people,
The vibe,
The air,
The mountains,
The food,
The mall,
The closeness,
The honesty,
The REAL feelings,
The snow,
The skiing,
The hiking,
The house,
The park,
The bikes,
The horses,
The magpies,
The individuality,
I miss a lot of things.

But, there are things I LOVE here:
The hills,
The lakes,
The people,
The community,
The positive energy,
My boyfriend,
The school,
The roadrunners,
The air,
The rain (when it comes),
The music festivals and concerts,
The food,
The culture,
The open-mindedness
The crazy people,
The TRUE individuality,
The malls,
The stores,
The winters....
Lots of things.


Just thought I'd end on a positive note, not sure where I was going with that haha but OK!!! :) LOVES

Walls

It's been so long. I know I know.

Plenty has happened that I'd rather not look back on.

But I've moved on, right?
I'm ok, right?
Tell me I'm alright.

It's funny that even when you're dead, I still do what you want.

You're dead to me, I can't understand it, I try but I just can't.
You don't even want to look back, to look back and remember, to regret what you're doing now.
I can't understand, maybe someday I will.
Maybe I'm too young, maybe I'm to inexperienced, maybe I just have no capability to understand the "complexity" within your mind.

The truth to me, is that you are simple-minded. Selfish. Ignorant. You try to escape the one thing you can't ever change: Yourself.
No matter what bullshit pill you take, what mind-altering poison you drink, you are still you. You can't ever escape, trust me. I'd know.

You always say that I should accept who I am, where I am in my life, who is in my life, and where my life is going. But you can't even look at yourself without wanting change, without wanting to evade your entire life.

Who are you really?

Let her go, let her find out who she is. Make her forget all about you. Let her be the person she so desperately needs to be.



But I'm ok, right?



Ok, also I need to rant a little bit about people talking shit about other people.
I know, I have done it too, but it bothers me when people act like they are friends with someone, but the second their back is turned, shit is being spread, talked about.
I'm done doing that to people. It's cruel and I wouldn't want it done to me.
These high school girls act like they are the little second graders, catching cooties from people. The cooties don't even matter, but they are a huge deal.
I don't want to lie, I don't want to act like I like someone when I really don't, and I don't want people around me doing it either.



So, I wrote something a very long time ago, and I'll put it on here unless I already did in the last entry, I'll check and if I did not post it, I'll make another entry and put it there. :) Loves!