LetMeGo

Truth is... I miss my family I miss my friends I miss being able to carry on conversations with people I used to know I fuck up I fuck up hard and I lose those friends But the thing is, it wasn't even me. You don't give a fuck about me. There are some of you I simply cannot talk to, I just can't. It brings up the pain and the rejection, but worst of all, the terribly amazing memories we share. "Dry my eyes so you won't know, dry my eyes so it won't show." Then when I DO have the chance to rekindle friendships, I FUCK THEM UP. What the fuck is wrong with me? Seriously? I feel so alone, I know I'm not, I KNOW that there will always be people there for me. Problem is, only one of them is here with me. Those words cut me deep, deeper than you'll ever know. Sorry I hurt you, but you can't just be "completely blunt" with me, and not expect me to be hurt by it. I've gone through things that you can't even imagine going through. I'm sorry, but "I'm sorry, now YOU fix our mistakes" isn't good enough for me this time. I've fixed too many people's mistakes in my life to just fucking take that shit and be fine with it. Sorry, but "no thank you" isn't good enough this time. So here's my rebuttal: Fuck you.

AssBackHome

Well, life is... eventful. Got a car on my own finally. Working like crazy, stressing like crazy and it hasn't even begun yet. I don't know what's up with me, one second I'm close to tears just THINKING. The next I'm laughing my ass off for no fucking reason. But right now I feel like I want to cry. It's so dumb, I miss my people, I miss that stupid immature feeling of just running around chasing friends and not having a care in the world. I miss having sleepovers, I miss telling dumb ghost stories that secretly scared us both XD I miss waking up late on a Saturday morning to make lumpy pancakes and greasy bacon. I don't know why I'm thinking so hard about all of this, but right now I just wish that life was as easy as it was.

LoveTheWayYouLiePt2

It’s so loud Inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I can’t take back the words I never said I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets How much money does it take to really make a full clip 9/11 building 7 did they really pull it Uhh, And a bunch of other cover ups Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut The school was garbage in the first place, that's on the up and up Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust You get it then they move it so you never keeping up enough If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the fucks” Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such And that ain't Jersey Shore, homie that's the news And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit That's why I ain't vote for him, next one either I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful And I believe in the people. It’s so loud inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I can’t take back the words I never said Now you can say it ain't our fault if we never heard it But if we know better than we probably deserve it Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship? Murdering is not Islam! And you are not observant And you are not a muslim Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the Kush went Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for? Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up? Just listening to Pac ain't gone make it stop A rebel in your thoughts, ain't gon make it halt If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor Pills with million side effects Take em when the pains felt Wash them down with Diet soda! Killin off your brain cells Crooked banks around the World Would gladly give a loan today So if you ever miss a payment They can take your home away! It’s so loud inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said, never said I can’t take back the words I never said I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through It’s so loud Inside my head With words that I should have said! As I drown in my regrets I can’t take back the words I never said I "asked" for one thing for the past 3.5 years. I won't get it. It's fine, our paths will cross again someday... The person I've really had a connection to, the person who has been a friend to me for years, dealing with my bullshit, helping me through everything. All I really have now are a couple of pictures and a hundred hand written teenage notes about boys. At least its something. Distance does do damage to any friendship, relationship, etc. Don't tell me it doesn't.

F-StopBlues

Death is a natural part of life, everything dies eventually, and I thought I had accepted that fact, even embraced it as a great passing into a better place. It's easy enough when that's said about myself, but when it's about others I love, I just don't know... death's a weird thing. My grandfather has Alzheimers and a few other medical conditions, he's had a great life, it's been very fulfilling, and he's been healthy all his life. He's getting very old, and it's just about his time. I cannot imagine how my father is feeling, his own parent withering away... Honestly I don't look forward to those days where I take Dad's spot beside the hospital bed. On a lighter note, it's Sunshine and mine's 2 year anniversary today! We're going out to eat and buying eachother fancy $10 skins in League of Legends because we can't afford anything else XD We're going to Johnny Carino's, he's never been, and it's my absolute favorite restaurant. I hope he likes it, I'm sure he will. I love him so much, I really look forward the the years to come with him. He makes me so happy and makes me feel so whole, he means the world to me. He's always there for me, and I can never show all of my appreciation no matter what lengths I go to. I'm so happy we're together, I don't know where I'd be without him!!!

Jealousy

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it. She's your girlfriend. But really, I think I should matter more... Whatever. I'm just jealous. And poor. I want to go places and do things but I can't, I have no money. I'm waiting on this job at Target to get back to me...Still. I'll call them tomorrow. Everyone's pissing me off. I don't like it. I think I'll eat some chocolate now. You never get to fucking see me and all you can do is complain about how you don't get to see them... ugh. I wish my best friend could come visit me. We'd have so much fun. I feel like that would solve a lot of my problems. Actually be able to say goodbye this time and not have that lingering feeling of "where is she?"

RememberMeAsATimeOfDay

Dear Dad, (if I can call you that for a moment here), I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Every day. That's probably more than you think about me, which is okay. I know you're doing your best, you didn't really have an example... So I guess I understand. Honestly though, I miss you. Well, I miss the little memories that I have of when I was little, and it was actually important to spend time with me. I miss going out and doing things together, I miss smiling and laughing and talking. I miss having that connection to someone with who I share half of my DNA with. You're ignorant, "busy", frustrating, manipulative, and confused. You are confused, and I know that. I wish you would stop pushing your daughters away. When Crane wanted to live with you, you held on too tightly, yet you didn't give a shit when the bitch yelled at her. I'm really sad that she didn't get to really spend good quality time with you, mostly because of her. Crane WANTED to be with you, it seems like you'd do ANYTHING to keep her there, but you didn't. I guess that's okay though, again, you are kind of new at this whole "dad" thing, even after 18 years. I wish you actually wanted to talk to me. I wish you actually showed interest in me. I see where I get some of my attitude and character, but some things, I just don't know why I'm like this. I wish I knew you, so that I knew myself. And when I actually do come to visit, your new family just glares at me, and completely ignores Crane and I until they are FORCED to be with us or talk to us. We feel completely unwelcome and shunned. I don't know what's more frustrating, that bitch or your blissful ignorance as to what is really happening. I don't know who you are, and you don't know who I am. Do you care, because I do. I know that sometimes, okay a lot of the times, it seems like I don't really care. I'm just bitter. I just think too hard about things, I know that you don't mean to hurt me or make me feel lost, but your actions make me think that you do mean those things. But I know that you don't ever want me to feel that way, right? I am very grateful for Eagle, for taking us under his wings, and filling in that dad position, but I want a relationship with you, Father. I don't know what to do. I'm coming to Colorado in a few days, and I don't know what to do. I'm sorry for all these years of me pushing you away. Please try to be there for me, even if it's just a little bit. I love you.

Graduation

Well, this weekend, I graduated high school. My mother came into town, I've missed her dearly. We got to spend a lot of time together and I feel like a lot of my hurt feelings were mended, which is awesome. I dunno, it's weird. Her and I can communicate without even talking, and we just have that special mom-daughter connection that I feel like not a whole lot of people these days get to experience. Parents are always pressuring their kids to do this or do that, believe this or believe that, it's ridiculous. My mother wants us to be ourselves. She supports us no matter what we choose, and I want to do the same for her. I know that she is going through a tough time, we all are. But she is very lost, and I need to let her know that I am there for her. A big part of my life has just passed me with graduation. I am no longer that highschool teenager. I'm a graduate. Most of my classmates I'll never see again. Ever. And that makes me sad, yet happy. Some of those kids I NEVER want to see again!!!! HA! Anyway, I'm very grateful to those who have helped me through high school, through all the obstacles. It's been great, it's been fun, but now it's over. It goes fast. To those of you reading that just want to get it over with, that's what you feel now, but soon (too soon) it'll all be gone. It'll all vanish before your very eyes. So cherish these moments while you can, before you are shoved into the real world.

Martyrs

Well. Watched this movie last night called "Martyrs". Pretty fucked up, but surprisingly good. It kinda makes me worry about the kind of people who I'm sharing the world with!!! We're going out to eat tonight, just Sunshine, his mom and I. I haven't really eaten a lot the past few days, so I'm really looking forward to going out to eat. There's no food in this house. :( Well. Not much else to say here. I can't wait for graduation and to see my mom. We have a lot of catching up to do... I do really wish I could see my sister though. I really miss her. I guess I gotta wait though.

Hazy

I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm very grateful for people in my life, even if they aren't really in my life anymore. The title of this blog has a deeper meaning. The song "Hazy" by Rosi Golan is what inspired me to write this post. I LOVE Sunshine. He's done so much for me. He truly knows how to fix me when I fall and hurt myself. He knows where to find me when I lose myself. He reminds me who I am when I forget who I am. He's amazing and I am so lucky to have him. I don't know where I'd be without him. As this final year of high school comes to a close, the feelings are bittersweet. I am excited to finally be done, but a huge part of me is still holding on. And I'm sure I'll continue to hold on for a while. This is all I've known for the past four years of my life, it's gonna be hard adjusting. Okay, I can't stop thinking about her. I love her to death. She's absolutely amazing, and I want to make sure she knows that. I haven't seen her in three years... oh god I'm gonna start crying... I haven't seen her in 3 years, we're thousands of miles apart, and yet she's my best friend. She cares. She stuck with me through EVERYTHING, when everyone else betrayed me and left. She came before anyone here. I'm just SO glad that the distance hasn't killed our friendship. She knows me inside and out and she could always put me back together. She's gorgeous and strong and smart and just amazing. I can't imagine my life without her. "Because without you, things go hazy."

MissingTime

I feel like I am constantly transforming from one person, to another. One personality to another. My brain is always going, always working. Trying to remember, trying to forget, trying to forgive, trying to plot revenge... It goes on and on, as a machine refusing to run out of power.

Too much is on my mind. Things that won't be laid to rest for a long time, I know. Some things that won't ever be solved.

I started thinking about the future, how things will change, and people I know will begin to disappear from my life. Some people already are. They are leaving in the most different of ways. They are all slowly drifting away from me. I can't really complain though, it's just how life is.

I've also been thinking a lot about my biological father. Who is he, REALLY? What are his morals, REALLY? What are his secrets? I don't know anything about him, yet we share blood. How did that come to be? He left his family. He loved his job more than he loved us, so that was the end and the new beginning for my sister and mother and I.
The truth is, sometime within the next 4 or 5 years, I know, I KNOW, something happened. I just don't know what. I've been repressing my memories Sometimes violent images of what might have happened bombard my dreams, the faceless demon forever haunts my nights.
And, besides the fact that I know, I know he knows. I know it. If only I could get him to confess to me, without any questions from me.
Tragically, I don't think I will ever get it out of him.
I'm kind of scared that he'll die, and I'll regret not getting to know him. But honestly, I've TRIED. I've really tried hard. He just doesn't WANT to be my DAD. He's just a shadow in my life. So I don't know what to do as far as he goes.

I found out some... shocking information about someone very close to me. I won't say any more than that, but that is one thing that won't be solved for a while. I have to solve it on my own, the others aren't willing to help.

I wish people would understand me. Sometimes, I can't control what I feel or think or even do. Sometimes I'm in a crazy, hyperactive state. Other times I am in a hazy, foggy, tired daze. I'm not exactly sure what is wrong with me, but I don't like it.

Mother is sending me some stuff on Tuesday. I'm excited to get it. There's some PMS stuff in there that I am really looking forward to having!!! I get awful PMS.

Well, I think that is about all I want to say here, I'll get back to you soon. Probably.

~LadyWar~

Levels

So, today the little group I'm involved in went to a high elements ropes course, it was really fun! I learned a lot and got to talk to people I don't usually talk to. It was nice to kind of step out of that little box I call a comfort zone.
Also, applied to the shopping center across the street, I'm really hoping I get the job. Sunshine also applied, and he has ALREADY gotten a call back and asked to come in for an interview! Wow! Jeez! If only they had that much of a desire to hire someone like ME :P
Also, I donated blood on Monday. Strange experience. Donated a pint in three minutes, fastest time all day, and almost passed out from losing that much blood so quickly! Haha! But I think it's something I'd do again. If only I could control the speed of the flow of my blood!
Now I shall vent a little. Complain, if you will. Lol. This is to a "friend" that I no longer really talk to anymore.
Hey, I just wanted to say hi. We don't really talk anymore, which is sad. I feel like I'm just completely left out of the loop everywhere I go, and I guess that's my fault. I don't take the initiative to say anything or start things with anyone. And when I do it's just awkward and boring and I never know what to do or say. I guess I'm just an awkward person. I have found myself becoming concerned for my friends' well being and their future. Which also bothers me. I don't think that I need to flood myself with worries if those people I'm worried about don't want help and don't care. I dunno. I guess I'm just venting. But I know I can tell you things, even though we never really talk. I miss the old days, when we didn't have to worry, when I didn't feel insignificant in peoples' lives. I mean I know I'm everything to Sunshine, and he's my everything, it's just I'm lacking in the "Friends" division. I mean yeah, sure, I have "friends". But people I can talk to? People I can open up to? Not so much. The only person I talk to on a regular basis is 3000 miles away. I love her to death and it pains me to even think about how much I miss her..
That's all I'll write on that. I will probably not even say all that to her. Maybe just hi. I dunno. Whatever.
Time goes by so quickly, people need to enjoy the good times, and learn from the bad.

Thanks for being patient with me. :)

Dreams

I walked into the barn house. Mother waited anxiously, for what I did not know. I sit with her. Soon, we hear the rumble of Dad's truck, and a trailer pulling behind it. We run outside. It is cloudy, slightly chilly, snow is beginning to fall. I look outside at our land. We have a barn area attached to the house, that is covered. Across the dirt road is a small pond with a stream. In the pond is a beaver den... I decide to take a closer look later.
Dad opens up the trailer, and out walks a wobbly, long-legged brown calf. She was beautiful. We lead her into the barn area and decided to name her Bessie. Original I know. She was like a dog, she was so sweet. As time went on, we began easing her in to being a dairy cow. Dad decided to buy a bull, a huge, strong black bull. As he was on his way to get the bull, I decided to finally go investigate the beaver den.
I made my way across the frozen pond to the den. As I got closer, I found a door. A door on a beaver den? Suspicious. I open it up, the inside is radiating heat, is fully lit, and has bookshelves, a chandelier, a full furniture set. I'm baffled. There are no beavers in this den!
I sit on the couch, and take in my surroundings. It's like the world outside completely disappeared.
"Thought you'd find this place soon."
I jumped at the voice, and turned towards it. There stood a raggedy blonde girl. She was probably 20, had waist-length hair, it was wavy and a bit frizzy. After her followed a 20 year old man. He had shoulder-length straight smooth hair, and was six and a half feet tall.
I was speechless. They both snickered and whispered about me. After a while, they told me to get up and follow them. We were going somewhere.
Where could we possibly go from a BEAVER DEN?
They walked into a door. I followed.
All of the sudden, I felt as though I was stretched, pulled, shrank, and dissolved all at the same time. All around me was grey, black, and blue. In an instant, I was in a house I'd never been in before. The couple was standing, waiting for me. They told me to explore, and go through other doors if I wanted, but I had to remember which doors I went through, and I should avoid picking the "wrong" doors. Whatever that meant.
I walked down some stairs. the house was mostly empty, painted white, made of wood. I found a chest, painted white as well. I opened it, and a dark mist surrounded me. I heard heavy breathing, and a demonic threatening voice invaded my ears.
"You picked wrong. Try again before its too late..."
I panicked, and slammed the chest door closed.
I continued exploring, and found another door.
After several changes through these portal doors, I arrived at some sort of fancy wal-mart. Cool stuff. I wanted a new fish. But I needed at least a 75 gallon tank. I went to the pet department. They had a ton of tanks out on display. The deal posted was, "1 dollar per gallon!" Wow, that's a great deal. I started looking at these set up aquariums. They had fish, and everything in them. Just so you could see what they looked like outside the box.
Problem was, all of the fish were either dying or dead. They were all brilliant colors one minute, and the next they were brownish black, and dead, laying at the bottom of these gorgeous tanks.
There was one fish though, in a 96 gallon tank. He was about 9 inches long, and looked kind of threatening. He was ugly, mostly brown, and looked like he had drippings of himself hanging off of him. Apparently, he was the main attraction. He had a sign above him telling about how active and lively a fish he was. I looked at the fish. There was a machine used to feed him, but there was no other decoration in the tank itself. To feed the fish, you'd insert ten cents into a slot, and some food would dump into his tank. All that fish did was sit on the bottom of that tank and wait for food to drop to him. He'd eat some, but throw the rest back up. It was really sad. I fell in love with this fish and he was so lifeless, so unloved by everyone else despite the signs...
When I finally made my way back to the beaver den, Bessie was full-grown, and pregnant with a calf. Her and the bull stayed together in a small pasture, Bessie was so happy to see me.
It began to snow, ever so lightly. Even though I knew I should stay home with my parents and the farm, I realized I could go anywhere with that beaver den and those doors. So I went back into the den, and woke up.