It's almost the end of the year, so I'm going to take a review of this year, rant a little about random stuff, then tell you about my new year's resolutions, which I intend to keep. Which everyone always says... :)
I have to say that this year has been a very awesome learning experience for me.
I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've learned how to respect myself, how to respect others. I've learned to love and to be loved. I've learned that some people are not worth keeping around anymore. I learned how to communicate, and how to shut up. You have to be school smart, and occasionally you gotta pull your street smarts out. But I learned that sometimes, you gotta dumb things down, not for yourself, but for others.... :)
I've lost friendships, rekindled old ones, been told the most intimate of secrets, and I've told my own. I've been stepped on, I've been lifted up. I've felt worthless, then I've known that I'm His world, and he is mine, and none of that hopelessness is worth it anymore.
I think that I have really started to find out who I am this year. Yes, it had a lot to do with me, but I got help.
Thank you to...
Mom
Dad
Sunshine
Raindrop
Crane
Billy (You know who you are)
Angel
Mac (You know who you are)
Everyone else, seriously.
Mom-
You've taught me so much. You've taught me how to understand. How to listen. How to let go, and how to hold on. Thank you.
Dad-
You have taught me what fatherhood is. You've taught me that love is truly unconditional, that you'll always be there for me, in my toughest times, and even in those times that you don't quite understand, but you try and that's what matters. Thank you.
Sunshine-
You have been the best partner I could ever ask for. I love you so much. I'm so grateful for you, you've really taught me how to be myself, and not be afraid of that. I know I still have a lot to learn, but you're helping me discover who I've been repressing for the past 10 years. We've been through everything, and you're still my rock, my anchor that keeps me here and sane. We may be the last people on this whole planet, but we'll be there saying, "We made it." That's difficult for a lot of couples to say, but I guess we're the lucky ones. I now know what love is. Thank you babe. Forever and ever, I love you.
Raindrop-
You are my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, you've taught me so much this year. You've been through so much, but you still manage to pull through, march through the ashes with your head held high. You've taught me strength, and hope. You've also taught me what its like to really miss someone. I think about you every day, and I swear to you, I'll always be here for you. Even though we are far away, I'll always be in your heart. Thank you for dealing with all my pithy complaints about a life that is so much better than a majority of peoples', thank you for putting a smile on my face every time I talk to you, thank you for reminding me I will always have real emotions. I love you, Raindrop!
Crane-
The most important thing you've taught me is change. People that seem like they'll never change, do. You've taught me not to butt into other people's lives, even when I know it'll hurt. Anything I say won't be heard, and as harsh as that is, it's an important thing to know. You are still young, you have much to learn, much to experience and I'm excited for you. I love you, you're my sister. My only full sister, and no matter how stupid I get, no matter how angry I may make you, I will never forget what we are to each other. Thank you for teaching me patience, and how to be sensitive to other's thoughts, wants, and needs. I love you sistah.
Billy-
I know we never really talk, but I know that you still read this. Thank you for supporting me, and my silly writing dreams. You were that one person when my life was going downhill that actually acknowledged what you could have done, and fixed it. I think you have a big heart, I know that things have probably been rough, but I promise I'll talk to you, read more of your stuff. You're a great writer, and an inspiration to my own writing. Keep it up, thank you for just being an awesome person.
Angel-
Oh gosh, where to begin. You're amazing. You took me in, you didn't have to. You are the most beautiful woman I know. You have a beautiful soul, a soul that has been weathered, hurt, betrayed. But you're gorgeous, you've been through so much and yet you stand so tall. You've really taught me about hope, love, understanding, and letting people in, even when it's the hardest thing you've ever done. You are who I really look up to, and it's nice to say I finally have someone like that. Someone I want to be just like. Thank you for being a great mom, and an amazing role model.
Mac-
I know we don't talk much, but I know that if I ever need someone to talk to, just to vent to, I know you're there. You've taught me about persistence, and that we are all human. We all make mistakes, I know. We all have emotions, I know. I'm sorry I don't talk to you much, but this year, I'll do different. Thank you for always being a good friend, through everything.
Everyone else-
Thank you for running into me, for pushing me around, for complimenting me, for lifting me up and pushing me down, for calling me names, for giving me hugs, for listening, for tuning out. You've taught me so much, thank you.
Ok, so this year I want to really focus on the friendships I want to keep. I want to continue having high morals. I want to get a job. I want to exercise, eat, and be healthy. I want to be a good girlfriend, the best ever :) I want to keep communications constant with my family. I want to be more supportive of the things that my loved ones love. I want to learn to love myself more. I want to move out. I want to be cleaner and more organized (that one's gonna be hard). I want to be safe, and follow rules. I want to learn more of who I am.
With all of that said, goodbye 2011, hello 2012.
----See you next year,
------------------------LadyWar <3
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
TurnItDown
Oh gosh, so much has happened. Yes, I realize it's past midnight and yes, I realize it's been FOREVER. Shut up, okay?
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
So the first semester of my senior year is just about over. Crazy stuff right there. Next week I have finals, and that's it. I have a weekend and on Sunday I'm going to see my family.
So here's what happened over the past few months in a nutshell:
Started school
Regan moved back in with mom and dad
Mom's having issues
Family's having money issues
Friendships have been ruined
Emotions have been haywire
Trust has been lost
Heart has been damaged slightly
Senioritis is still not kicking in
Everything's better
Wait no it's not
Oh, yes it is...
Nope.
Mom lost her job
Mom got a job
I visited them
I came home
I went to school.
Sooooo that's a big nutshell. Like a hazelnut or something. Right?
You know, there's so many things I can look back on and say "Wow, I'm glad that happened." But there are a few things that I look back on and say, "What the FUCK was I thinking?!" I'll never know, to be honest.
Life is going by way too fast. Things need to slow down, put on the breaks. I feel like one of those Christmas wreaths on the front of a car on the highway. "No! I'm not supposed to be going 70 miles per hour! I'm supposed to be stationary on a door, only moving when that door is opened and closed!" But, I have no control over the driver, or the breaks. Or do I?
Goodnight, Quiet City. :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
CleverLove
It's been a while!!!
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tons of things have happened since I last posted.
I visited my biological father for about two weeks. A few nights before we were supposed to come home, my mother calls and informs me that we would not be returning home, our whole family would be moving to where we currently were. I'd never come back home, I'd never pack my things, I'd never get to say goodbye, I'd never see Sunshine again.
I absolutely couldn't handle moving out of state again, it killed me last time, no matter what, I WASN'T going to do it again.
I broke down and called Sunshine. His mom heard and she offered to let me live with them. God, this fixed everything.
So now I'm living with Sunshine and his mom, and his little brother. It's pretty nice, I feel happy, so it's all good. This year should be fun :)
My sister, Crane, moved in with our bio dad, she went from city girl to country girl in about three days. She's so funny, I love her.
School starts soon, about a week and a half. My schedule's amazing, I have like two textbooks and they aren't even big. I have three classes with my man, and more with one of my friends. I'm sure there's more too.
So besides that, things are pretty mellow.
OH! I almost forgot. I saw one of those stupid ads on facebook that was for a free psychic reading. Most of this stuff is bull, but I decided, "Why not?" and did it. It took about a week to get my reply mail back, but it was actually pretty accurate on most things. The big thing that really got me was that it said September 8th was going to be a big day for me, and after that day there would be three months of extreme luck, and three months after that as well. September 8th is Sunshine and mine's one year anniversary. Call me crazy but really that was weird!!!
I have been waiting for the Angels & Airwaves movie, LOVE to come out for like, ever! I found out it was only showing for one night! I tried and tried to get a ride, and I didn't make it. I was really sad, but then I found out that the movie, and LOVE pt II is coming out in November!!! YAY!!! That made me really happy lol.
Well I think that's it. Loveeesss! Ladywar
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Zero
I currently feel rather shitty.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
I feel like the only person I matter to is Sunshine. Everyone else just uses me. They use me for anything. Right now I'm at fault. For everything. No one wants me here, I feel like no one. Nothing. Zero. I don't matter.
They all use me, leave me. Leave me alone. Hopeless, crying.
I want you to know I try, I really do try. It's hard to be perfect when everyone is expecting me to fuck up.
Days have been very hectic lately. We adopted ANOTHER cat, it was a kitten. She got sick, really sick. We had to take her back so she could get help. My mother has changed her mind about a lot of things, she's very moody and grouchy. For the past few months I've felt distant from her. It's hard, I miss having a mom. Someone who always knew me, someone I could tell anything and talk to. She'd understand. No matter what. But all the sudden she just doesn't even want to be with me, talk to me, help me. When she does talk to me it's usually screaming at me for something I didn't even do....
Crane's friend got back from Alaska. It was Crane's birthday a few days ago. She had a few of her friends over. I got about an hour of sleep. Sharing a room is just wonderful. Especially with a 15 year-old boy crazy girl. Just wonderful.
My little Parakeet has turned from angel to something different. She used to be so nice, but now she isn't so much.
Pigeon is constantly getting into trouble. He's always trying to bother someone. It gets old, he acts like a spoiled little brat most of the time.
I'm going to see my biological father in a few days, he lives in another state. A state that reminds me of my old Home. Not sure how to feel about that.
Pigeon got bit by our dog today. Above the eye. I'm not sure why. I guess he was being mean to her or something. He likes to yank her legs around. I'd bite him too if I was her. But it looked like it hurt, so I felt sorry for him.
For some reason at night in our house, people refuse to turn on a bunch of lights, so sight is limited in some places. Like the stairs that go to our room. Pigeon was sitting on those stairs, I walked downstairs. The next thing I know, Pigeon is screaming and crying, blaming me that his scratch hurts by his eye. Mother starts yelling at me, without knowing a thing of what happened. Asking me why I'd do such a thing, telling me how mean and immature and selfish I am. I didn't even touch him. Crane even saw. But Mother refuses to believe that I might just be innocent. Whatever. I don't know how many times I've said this, but I'm so done with this family. I'm done with not being respected, listened to, or cared for.
Oh, I had to babysit these two twin girls a few days ago. They were at a pool party and I'm not sure if you know how rowdy two year old twin girls can be at a swimming pool. I am STILL sore and exhausted from running around, swimming, chasing these girls around for three and a half hours. I have a bad sunburn on my back and shoulders, my chest and my arms. I also got an ingrown toenail, not sure how much experience you have with those, but I can barely walk on it. It hurts so bad. I'm not getting very much sleep, everyone wants to argue with me, and I just need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere, do something. I want to leave this house, leave this family. Leave everyone who wants me to leave, and go laugh with the someone who makes me happy.
Truth is, I'm lost. I don't know who I am. I don't know who I should be. I don't know anything anymore.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I love you,
I know you love me too.
Sometimes times seem long,
But you just remind me, "Be strong."
Before you I was made of broken pieces,
I was insecure,
I was uneasy, depressed, distrustful.
You turned me into something beautiful.
I can be happy about being me.
I can finally see,
That we really are meant to be.
There's spark in my eyes that wasn't there before,
I love you all the way to my core.
I pray that we'll be together forever,
Our love will never sever.
You're my everything. These wings can take me away from this place I can't stand, right to you. Your eyes are my sanctuary, your heart is my home, your arms always keep me safe.
I know sometimes I lose my worried mind. I go crazy, but you still love me, you still want me even when I seem to be someone else.
You think I'm amazing, and I don't understand.
I don't understand why,
I don't understand how,
I don't understand how someone could ever think this mess of a person is "amazing."
You're my saving grace,
I just want to stay.
I'll always be yours,
I always was yours.
You're the sunshine coming through the cement to reach the flower, trapped in a sea of everything that says she's impossible. You are the sunshine saving me when I'm in the middle of everything that could be bad.
All I have to do is think of you, of us, and everything seems a little bit better, I grow a little bit stronger.
I really do want to be with you forever. I know I sound like a typical love-struck teenager, but I've never felt this.
Sure, there were different "connections". But do you want to know something? You want to know a few things? If not, don't read, if you want to know what THEY were really about, I'll show you.
P: Long distance, I never met him in person. I was young and stupid. He was probably some weirdo 50 year old...
R: Oh, a little 8th grade fling. Meant nothing. He's probably gay, now that I really look at it. Once we parted, we never spoke again.
M: I finally said yes after him constantly harassing me to date him. 8th grade. When he finally approached me asking my why I wasn't acting like his girl, I told him I wasn't and skipped away happily while he fumed, smoke practically coming out of his ears.
E: He was some stupid freshman crush that I had. He was a junior. Nothing ever happened. I danced with him once at homecoming... It was completely awkward, and I realized he wasn't the one for me... That didn't stop me from occasionally stalking him through the halls though... :)
M2: Same thing as the first M, harassed me til I said yes, but we never acted like we were dating.
C: Recommended by my friend B, who you'll hear about later. He was just desperate and wanted to get into my pants. He tried to make me like his friends. He tried to make me into a mother figure for him. Didn't work too well.
T: Not exactly sure why I fell for him. He was dark and mysterious, a bad boy. We all know how the bad boys end: badly. But he also tried to change me. I was his councelor, the one he complained to, I wasn't happy.
B: Got his "girlfriend" pregnant, "fell" for me, after I moved to another state. It was all bullshit.
C (same one): He had no friends, no one else who gave a damn about his pathetic drama. Kinda forgot about him.
D: He was my good friend from where I used to live. We were really close. Tried dating, went ok, he cheated on me. My feelings for him were over.
D2: Some asshole. Don't even wanna go there. He lied and cheated and lied some more.
W: Again don't need to even talk about him. Asshole who changed the entirety of who I was. Left me broken and used. And I'm not the only girl he's done it to.
Thing is, I never really was happy at all with any of them. Sure, if you wanna call those THINGS "connections", then go ahead. Sometimes people are just better off friends, or not even talking at all.
But you, you're different. You accept me for who I am. I'm yours, all yours. I'm finally learning to do everything how I was meant to. I'm learning to breathe again, I'm learning to love and live. I love you with all my being. Understand that, I'm never letting you go. I love you.
I know you love me too.
Sometimes times seem long,
But you just remind me, "Be strong."
Before you I was made of broken pieces,
I was insecure,
I was uneasy, depressed, distrustful.
You turned me into something beautiful.
I can be happy about being me.
I can finally see,
That we really are meant to be.
There's spark in my eyes that wasn't there before,
I love you all the way to my core.
I pray that we'll be together forever,
Our love will never sever.
You're my everything. These wings can take me away from this place I can't stand, right to you. Your eyes are my sanctuary, your heart is my home, your arms always keep me safe.
I know sometimes I lose my worried mind. I go crazy, but you still love me, you still want me even when I seem to be someone else.
You think I'm amazing, and I don't understand.
I don't understand why,
I don't understand how,
I don't understand how someone could ever think this mess of a person is "amazing."
You're my saving grace,
I just want to stay.
I'll always be yours,
I always was yours.
You're the sunshine coming through the cement to reach the flower, trapped in a sea of everything that says she's impossible. You are the sunshine saving me when I'm in the middle of everything that could be bad.
All I have to do is think of you, of us, and everything seems a little bit better, I grow a little bit stronger.
I really do want to be with you forever. I know I sound like a typical love-struck teenager, but I've never felt this.
Sure, there were different "connections". But do you want to know something? You want to know a few things? If not, don't read, if you want to know what THEY were really about, I'll show you.
P: Long distance, I never met him in person. I was young and stupid. He was probably some weirdo 50 year old...
R: Oh, a little 8th grade fling. Meant nothing. He's probably gay, now that I really look at it. Once we parted, we never spoke again.
M: I finally said yes after him constantly harassing me to date him. 8th grade. When he finally approached me asking my why I wasn't acting like his girl, I told him I wasn't and skipped away happily while he fumed, smoke practically coming out of his ears.
E: He was some stupid freshman crush that I had. He was a junior. Nothing ever happened. I danced with him once at homecoming... It was completely awkward, and I realized he wasn't the one for me... That didn't stop me from occasionally stalking him through the halls though... :)
M2: Same thing as the first M, harassed me til I said yes, but we never acted like we were dating.
C: Recommended by my friend B, who you'll hear about later. He was just desperate and wanted to get into my pants. He tried to make me like his friends. He tried to make me into a mother figure for him. Didn't work too well.
T: Not exactly sure why I fell for him. He was dark and mysterious, a bad boy. We all know how the bad boys end: badly. But he also tried to change me. I was his councelor, the one he complained to, I wasn't happy.
B: Got his "girlfriend" pregnant, "fell" for me, after I moved to another state. It was all bullshit.
C (same one): He had no friends, no one else who gave a damn about his pathetic drama. Kinda forgot about him.
D: He was my good friend from where I used to live. We were really close. Tried dating, went ok, he cheated on me. My feelings for him were over.
D2: Some asshole. Don't even wanna go there. He lied and cheated and lied some more.
W: Again don't need to even talk about him. Asshole who changed the entirety of who I was. Left me broken and used. And I'm not the only girl he's done it to.
Thing is, I never really was happy at all with any of them. Sure, if you wanna call those THINGS "connections", then go ahead. Sometimes people are just better off friends, or not even talking at all.
But you, you're different. You accept me for who I am. I'm yours, all yours. I'm finally learning to do everything how I was meant to. I'm learning to breathe again, I'm learning to love and live. I love you with all my being. Understand that, I'm never letting you go. I love you.
YourArmsFeelLikeHome
I'm gonna find something, hang on.
Found it. Mind you, I wrote this A LONG TIME AGO. Like three or four years ago. I have no idea what it was about.
Here goes.
"Last Chance Love"
The tears won't stop falling,
The tears that are for you.
And now I'm on my hands and knees, crawling helplessly for my life.
Where are you?
You are not here to save me this time,
I think as darkness surrounds me.
For a moment I wonder if you will show up as a bright light to scare the darkness away.
Then I know you won't.
But what I don't know is you are there.
On the other side,
Waiting for me.
I don't want to give up.
I long to feel your heartbeat on my fingertips again.
To interlace my fingers with yours.
Look into those shadowy blue eyes and feel the love radiating from you in waves.
Be with you forever.
I know its not going to happen,
But in my heart I wish it with all my strength left in me.
And then I'm surrounded by the dark.
My breaths are cold and shallow.
I feel familiar fingertips brush my cheek.
Ever so lightly.
I struggle to see your face.
No matter how many times I blink or grasp the empty air,
You are not there.
And yet I feel your cold hands on my face.
A tear rolls down my face and your fingers catch it.
This is the saddest I have ever been in my life.
You are right there.
So close.
And at the same time you're not.
I would give anything just to see you one last time.
I think this over and over.
Praying that somehow the darkness will leave and you will stay.
You promised me you would always be with me in my heart.
But I never knew it could be this painful.
(PT. II)
The darkness is sucked away slowly.
Your hands seem to try and grasp for me.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I don't want what is left of you to leave.
Even if it hurts so bad I could die.
With all of my power I reach blindly for you.
Our fingertips touch one last time and in a flash,
Everything is one.
I'm left alone and helpless.
My heart starts pumping its slow, empty rhythm again.
You are gone again.
Just like that.
And the tears begin to stream again.
Every one for you.
I'm back to where I started.
Thinking of nothing but you.
Soon I wipe the last of the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.
I lift up my sleeve and inhale your quickly-fading scent.
I straighten myself up once again to pretend nothing is wrong,
When all I want is to know your heart still beats to the sound of rain.
I regretfully push the thoughts of you to the back of my mind.
Safely hidden from others,
And myself.
I keep telling myself I'm over you and to move on.
I can't.
You were taken away from me so violently fast that I didn't have a chance to get my heart back.
I don't want it back.
It's yours.
So I take one step in front of the other and try to convince my heart and my mind that you will come back to me or leave me forever.
One step in front of the other.
Ok, that was it. I wrote that in early 2009. Think it's pretty good for a freshman?
Me too.
Man, I was really fucking depressed.
HAHA I think I'm funny.
I had a massive headache today, but then it went away...
I'm in a really good mood. Like a REALLY good mood. I feel playful and hyper, and I wish Sunshine was with me right now... I miss him so much, he's gone with his FRIENDS. Has been since Tuesday. Lame jealousy! :)
So, I'm over-eating and not doing enough excersize. I didn't even go to the pool today, so I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm going to start running. My goal as of now is to run a mile nonstop in less than 10 minutes. Don't laugh at my un-fit-ness. It's not nice to laugh XD
Well since this post is long enough as it is, I guess I'll just stop it here. I feel like I need to say a whole lot more, but I don't know of what....
OH WELL!! :D
Loves <3
Found it. Mind you, I wrote this A LONG TIME AGO. Like three or four years ago. I have no idea what it was about.
Here goes.
"Last Chance Love"
The tears won't stop falling,
The tears that are for you.
And now I'm on my hands and knees, crawling helplessly for my life.
Where are you?
You are not here to save me this time,
I think as darkness surrounds me.
For a moment I wonder if you will show up as a bright light to scare the darkness away.
Then I know you won't.
But what I don't know is you are there.
On the other side,
Waiting for me.
I don't want to give up.
I long to feel your heartbeat on my fingertips again.
To interlace my fingers with yours.
Look into those shadowy blue eyes and feel the love radiating from you in waves.
Be with you forever.
I know its not going to happen,
But in my heart I wish it with all my strength left in me.
And then I'm surrounded by the dark.
My breaths are cold and shallow.
I feel familiar fingertips brush my cheek.
Ever so lightly.
I struggle to see your face.
No matter how many times I blink or grasp the empty air,
You are not there.
And yet I feel your cold hands on my face.
A tear rolls down my face and your fingers catch it.
This is the saddest I have ever been in my life.
You are right there.
So close.
And at the same time you're not.
I would give anything just to see you one last time.
I think this over and over.
Praying that somehow the darkness will leave and you will stay.
You promised me you would always be with me in my heart.
But I never knew it could be this painful.
(PT. II)
The darkness is sucked away slowly.
Your hands seem to try and grasp for me.
I can't move.
I can't speak.
I don't want what is left of you to leave.
Even if it hurts so bad I could die.
With all of my power I reach blindly for you.
Our fingertips touch one last time and in a flash,
Everything is one.
I'm left alone and helpless.
My heart starts pumping its slow, empty rhythm again.
You are gone again.
Just like that.
And the tears begin to stream again.
Every one for you.
I'm back to where I started.
Thinking of nothing but you.
Soon I wipe the last of the tears away and run my fingers through my hair.
I lift up my sleeve and inhale your quickly-fading scent.
I straighten myself up once again to pretend nothing is wrong,
When all I want is to know your heart still beats to the sound of rain.
I regretfully push the thoughts of you to the back of my mind.
Safely hidden from others,
And myself.
I keep telling myself I'm over you and to move on.
I can't.
You were taken away from me so violently fast that I didn't have a chance to get my heart back.
I don't want it back.
It's yours.
So I take one step in front of the other and try to convince my heart and my mind that you will come back to me or leave me forever.
One step in front of the other.
Ok, that was it. I wrote that in early 2009. Think it's pretty good for a freshman?
Me too.
Man, I was really fucking depressed.
HAHA I think I'm funny.
I had a massive headache today, but then it went away...
I'm in a really good mood. Like a REALLY good mood. I feel playful and hyper, and I wish Sunshine was with me right now... I miss him so much, he's gone with his FRIENDS. Has been since Tuesday. Lame jealousy! :)
So, I'm over-eating and not doing enough excersize. I didn't even go to the pool today, so I'm a bit disappointed in myself. I'm going to start running. My goal as of now is to run a mile nonstop in less than 10 minutes. Don't laugh at my un-fit-ness. It's not nice to laugh XD
Well since this post is long enough as it is, I guess I'll just stop it here. I feel like I need to say a whole lot more, but I don't know of what....
OH WELL!! :D
Loves <3
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
CrashAndBurn
I didn't mean that. I do love you Daddy. You just pissed me off. I'm sorry. I love you.
My parents went out today for almost seven hours. I watched the little ones, plus Sunshine's little brother. He is an angel, so he wasn't a problem at all. We just did a lot, and I've been running on 5 hours of sleep, give or take. We went swimming and I carried a big swimming bag all the way there, UGH. I'm so tired.
I ordered dinners, I made snacks, I packed waterbottles, I sunscreened them, made more snacks, walked to the pool three quarters of a mile away in the 100 degree heat...Ok I think you understand that I'm tired. And taking care of three kids is a lot of work. Let this be a reminder to me, I'M ONLY HAVING TWO KIDS WHEN I GET OLDER. :) And after that I cleaned the whole house, dishes, counters, floors, the living room, the kids' rooms, bleahhhhh....
So by the end of the night all I want to do is rest.
Mother runs in, obviously drunk, stumbling saying she needs to pee. She stumbles into her room and I don't see her again. Dad greets me with a box of some delicious veggie pizza, so I'm happy. I sit down and begin munching on the wood-fired pizza. I can taste the flames in the dough, it's amazing. Dad goes off at me when I ask him what they did, where they went. He told me who I was, what I liked, and what I did not like. It pissed me off. I finally just stormed away knowing my cause was pointless, and he shouted after me "Ok, that's fine. I love you, I love you!!" And I said I didn't. So now I feel bad, I was just pissed off I shouldn't have said that.
Oh well, no one will remember anything tomorrow.
There are random cuts on my legs and I didn't really notice them at all until they started hurting in the pool. Ouch.
In other words, I've been reconnecting with Snowflake lately. I love her so much! I don't think she knows how much I care about her, but I'd literally do anything for her. She's such an amazing person.
I'm going to my biological father's in July. I'm excited for a few reasons:
The clean air,
The plane ride,
The airports (I LOVE AIRPORTS),
Seeing all the stars,
The animals,
Spending quality time with my sister,
Seeing my grandmother,
The small moments I'll see my biological dad... I guess...
I don't really have much else to say except I'm just done with the way things are going here with my family. Especially my mom. I guess I'm just mad because I love her and I care about her and she is doing all this bullshit stuff that she JUST DOESN'T NEED. Whatever, I'm done. Loves.
My parents went out today for almost seven hours. I watched the little ones, plus Sunshine's little brother. He is an angel, so he wasn't a problem at all. We just did a lot, and I've been running on 5 hours of sleep, give or take. We went swimming and I carried a big swimming bag all the way there, UGH. I'm so tired.
I ordered dinners, I made snacks, I packed waterbottles, I sunscreened them, made more snacks, walked to the pool three quarters of a mile away in the 100 degree heat...Ok I think you understand that I'm tired. And taking care of three kids is a lot of work. Let this be a reminder to me, I'M ONLY HAVING TWO KIDS WHEN I GET OLDER. :) And after that I cleaned the whole house, dishes, counters, floors, the living room, the kids' rooms, bleahhhhh....
So by the end of the night all I want to do is rest.
Mother runs in, obviously drunk, stumbling saying she needs to pee. She stumbles into her room and I don't see her again. Dad greets me with a box of some delicious veggie pizza, so I'm happy. I sit down and begin munching on the wood-fired pizza. I can taste the flames in the dough, it's amazing. Dad goes off at me when I ask him what they did, where they went. He told me who I was, what I liked, and what I did not like. It pissed me off. I finally just stormed away knowing my cause was pointless, and he shouted after me "Ok, that's fine. I love you, I love you!!" And I said I didn't. So now I feel bad, I was just pissed off I shouldn't have said that.
Oh well, no one will remember anything tomorrow.
There are random cuts on my legs and I didn't really notice them at all until they started hurting in the pool. Ouch.
In other words, I've been reconnecting with Snowflake lately. I love her so much! I don't think she knows how much I care about her, but I'd literally do anything for her. She's such an amazing person.
I'm going to my biological father's in July. I'm excited for a few reasons:
The clean air,
The plane ride,
The airports (I LOVE AIRPORTS),
Seeing all the stars,
The animals,
Spending quality time with my sister,
Seeing my grandmother,
The small moments I'll see my biological dad... I guess...
I don't really have much else to say except I'm just done with the way things are going here with my family. Especially my mom. I guess I'm just mad because I love her and I care about her and she is doing all this bullshit stuff that she JUST DOESN'T NEED. Whatever, I'm done. Loves.
Monday, June 13, 2011
DuelingNinjas
So I DID already put it on my blog. I like it, so yeah haha. I drew a picture of a dragon on a 2.5ft by 1.7ft poster. I colored and shaded it with pencil, it turned out pretty badass. So yeah haha.
You know, there's a lot of things I miss:
The friends,
The trust,
The people,
The vibe,
The air,
The mountains,
The food,
The mall,
The closeness,
The honesty,
The REAL feelings,
The snow,
The skiing,
The hiking,
The house,
The park,
The bikes,
The horses,
The magpies,
The individuality,
I miss a lot of things.
But, there are things I LOVE here:
The hills,
The lakes,
The people,
The community,
The positive energy,
My boyfriend,
The school,
The roadrunners,
The air,
The rain (when it comes),
The music festivals and concerts,
The food,
The culture,
The open-mindedness
The crazy people,
The TRUE individuality,
The malls,
The stores,
The winters....
Lots of things.
Just thought I'd end on a positive note, not sure where I was going with that haha but OK!!! :) LOVES
You know, there's a lot of things I miss:
The friends,
The trust,
The people,
The vibe,
The air,
The mountains,
The food,
The mall,
The closeness,
The honesty,
The REAL feelings,
The snow,
The skiing,
The hiking,
The house,
The park,
The bikes,
The horses,
The magpies,
The individuality,
I miss a lot of things.
But, there are things I LOVE here:
The hills,
The lakes,
The people,
The community,
The positive energy,
My boyfriend,
The school,
The roadrunners,
The air,
The rain (when it comes),
The music festivals and concerts,
The food,
The culture,
The open-mindedness
The crazy people,
The TRUE individuality,
The malls,
The stores,
The winters....
Lots of things.
Just thought I'd end on a positive note, not sure where I was going with that haha but OK!!! :) LOVES
Walls
It's been so long. I know I know.
Plenty has happened that I'd rather not look back on.
But I've moved on, right?
I'm ok, right?
Tell me I'm alright.
It's funny that even when you're dead, I still do what you want.
You're dead to me, I can't understand it, I try but I just can't.
You don't even want to look back, to look back and remember, to regret what you're doing now.
I can't understand, maybe someday I will.
Maybe I'm too young, maybe I'm to inexperienced, maybe I just have no capability to understand the "complexity" within your mind.
The truth to me, is that you are simple-minded. Selfish. Ignorant. You try to escape the one thing you can't ever change: Yourself.
No matter what bullshit pill you take, what mind-altering poison you drink, you are still you. You can't ever escape, trust me. I'd know.
You always say that I should accept who I am, where I am in my life, who is in my life, and where my life is going. But you can't even look at yourself without wanting change, without wanting to evade your entire life.
Who are you really?
Let her go, let her find out who she is. Make her forget all about you. Let her be the person she so desperately needs to be.
But I'm ok, right?
Ok, also I need to rant a little bit about people talking shit about other people.
I know, I have done it too, but it bothers me when people act like they are friends with someone, but the second their back is turned, shit is being spread, talked about.
I'm done doing that to people. It's cruel and I wouldn't want it done to me.
These high school girls act like they are the little second graders, catching cooties from people. The cooties don't even matter, but they are a huge deal.
I don't want to lie, I don't want to act like I like someone when I really don't, and I don't want people around me doing it either.
So, I wrote something a very long time ago, and I'll put it on here unless I already did in the last entry, I'll check and if I did not post it, I'll make another entry and put it there. :) Loves!
Plenty has happened that I'd rather not look back on.
But I've moved on, right?
I'm ok, right?
Tell me I'm alright.
It's funny that even when you're dead, I still do what you want.
You're dead to me, I can't understand it, I try but I just can't.
You don't even want to look back, to look back and remember, to regret what you're doing now.
I can't understand, maybe someday I will.
Maybe I'm too young, maybe I'm to inexperienced, maybe I just have no capability to understand the "complexity" within your mind.
The truth to me, is that you are simple-minded. Selfish. Ignorant. You try to escape the one thing you can't ever change: Yourself.
No matter what bullshit pill you take, what mind-altering poison you drink, you are still you. You can't ever escape, trust me. I'd know.
You always say that I should accept who I am, where I am in my life, who is in my life, and where my life is going. But you can't even look at yourself without wanting change, without wanting to evade your entire life.
Who are you really?
Let her go, let her find out who she is. Make her forget all about you. Let her be the person she so desperately needs to be.
But I'm ok, right?
Ok, also I need to rant a little bit about people talking shit about other people.
I know, I have done it too, but it bothers me when people act like they are friends with someone, but the second their back is turned, shit is being spread, talked about.
I'm done doing that to people. It's cruel and I wouldn't want it done to me.
These high school girls act like they are the little second graders, catching cooties from people. The cooties don't even matter, but they are a huge deal.
I don't want to lie, I don't want to act like I like someone when I really don't, and I don't want people around me doing it either.
So, I wrote something a very long time ago, and I'll put it on here unless I already did in the last entry, I'll check and if I did not post it, I'll make another entry and put it there. :) Loves!
Monday, May 23, 2011
OneFlewOverTheCuckoo'sNest
So this entry is gonna be all about my project I have to do for English. I had to read a book, I chose, "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest". So I wrote a poem/ song thingy. And I drew a cool crow wrapped in ribbon. So yeah :)
Same thing, day in day out,
There's never any doubt.
No measure of itme,
Time is lost, along with our minds.
What's normal is not knowing,
How the real world works is too mind lowing
For these people who are trapped,
What's accepted is done only on strict rules.
When you came in,
I thought what you were up to was a sin.
You proved to be nice,
You risked everything by rolling dice.
Laughing like you were happy and bright,
When everything was anything but light.
You brought us real thoughts,
ANd everything you taught,
MAde me stronger.
Time no longer went by so long,
We all sang that song,
The song of freedom,
The song of hope,
And the song of being normal again.
All that sin,
All that rebellion,
Lead you to a place no one can return from.
Same thing, day in day out,
There's never any doubt.
No measure of itme,
Time is lost, along with our minds.
What's normal is not knowing,
How the real world works is too mind lowing
For these people who are trapped,
What's accepted is done only on strict rules.
When you came in,
I thought what you were up to was a sin.
You proved to be nice,
You risked everything by rolling dice.
Laughing like you were happy and bright,
When everything was anything but light.
You brought us real thoughts,
ANd everything you taught,
MAde me stronger.
Time no longer went by so long,
We all sang that song,
The song of freedom,
The song of hope,
And the song of being normal again.
All that sin,
All that rebellion,
Lead you to a place no one can return from.
Monday, May 16, 2011
TheReason
I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you what's goin on, because I need to post, and I need to post about something. I'm sure once I start going, I'll just take off.
So I'm pretty stressed out because of several reasons. One is because of a huge English project I have to do by next Tuesday. I am not even done with the book I'm doing this project on! Also, I have a huge project in Creative Writing. It's due tomorrow, but I honestly don't give a shit right now. I'm not doing it tonight, and I probably won't do it tomorrow either. So whatever!
I'm currently applying for Wal-Mart.
My family is driving me crazy.
I miss my friends...
I really miss Snowflake. She's amazing, she's going through a lot and I just wish I could be there for her. But I can't. I feel terrible.
Sunshine is amazing, just putting that out there. :)
Alright, maybe I won't be able to take off... Sorry! Maybe next time. Yes, definately next time.
I love you!!!!
So I'm pretty stressed out because of several reasons. One is because of a huge English project I have to do by next Tuesday. I am not even done with the book I'm doing this project on! Also, I have a huge project in Creative Writing. It's due tomorrow, but I honestly don't give a shit right now. I'm not doing it tonight, and I probably won't do it tomorrow either. So whatever!
I'm currently applying for Wal-Mart.
My family is driving me crazy.
I miss my friends...
I really miss Snowflake. She's amazing, she's going through a lot and I just wish I could be there for her. But I can't. I feel terrible.
Sunshine is amazing, just putting that out there. :)
Alright, maybe I won't be able to take off... Sorry! Maybe next time. Yes, definately next time.
I love you!!!!
Friday, April 29, 2011
FoldsInYourHands
Shut up, I know. It's been a while. Whatever. I can post when I want, and I don't need to post when I don't want to. Right? :)
I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but to the few of you that actually read this or those of you who stumble upon it, if you feel like you're going to be offended, DON'T READ IT. Simple. It's MY blog, MY stuff, My thoughts, MINE. Not yours. So I don't care how you feel about what I do or do not write.
A lot has been going on lately, I'm not sure what I mentioned in my last entry, but I'll just tell you what's happening, then I may or may not go into detail. Depending on what I'm feelin'.
So starting about a week and a half ago, my mother had started acting strange towards me. Any time she caught me alone, she would bitch me out for ANYTHING she found fit. ANYTHING. It was kind of ridiculous. Then when I went over to Sunshine's one day, she tightened her...we'll call it her "parental grip" on me. She ordered me to do this, not to do that. She claimed to have never said things that we all know she said. I was confused and lost, I'd done nothing wrong, but here I was being called "manipulative" and a "liar". ME?! Aww whatever. She made me walk home the first night, 3.5 miles at 10pm, I might add. The second night she agreed to pick me up. She of course bitched me out the entire ride home, not asking how I was, what I did, how my day went. Anything.
So that's what started this.
People have been telling me I'm acting different. I don't know, maybe I am. But it's not just one person who is telling me that. Well, maybe a little exploration of what happened between last weekend and now will open all our eyes. Shall we explore?
Monday was pretty fine. Skipped school with Sunshine, it was his birthday.
That's the night that mother bitched me out on the way home, I do believe.
Tuesday I think I received some news. Unsettling news. I don't think I'll go into detail about that... But it's about my mom. I might go into it in the form of a letter I wrote to her, one of those ones she'll never get. Later though, later.
Wednesday I was dead tired, had to take TAKS tests. Stupid standardized tests. I'm sure I told you about them earlier sometime. Took about three hours. Strangely exhausted me the rest of the day. Not sure what else happened that day.
Thursday... still not sure what happened most of the day, but I had TAKS.
Friday....had TAKS again. Sunshine got my hopes up, thought he might get to spend much needed time with me, he couldn't go to his friend's house. I was the "back up plan", basically. Which makes me feel great.
Especially since he found plans with his long-lost friend an hour away. He's staying the night and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, I have separation anxiety. It sucks.
I guess I'm most angry about him leaving because I'm jealous. I wish I could re-unite with my long-lost friends... With all my heart. Well, mostly Snowflake... but still. I love you Snowflake :) if you're reading this.
On top of all that happening though, I had to babysit. Which normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but Crane wasn't here and Sunshine was gone, and what's happening with my mom just made me dread the whole night.
So here I am. What to do now, what to do.
OH! I'm reading a new book. It's about 400 pages long. I'm so addicted to it. I checked it out yesterday morning and I'm only 15 short pages from being done with it. It's GREAT. It's sexy, insane, slightly innocent in a way, edge-of-your-seat good! It's called "Nightshade". I can't tell you what it's about, it'll spoil it ;)
Now, I don't know if I already posted this last year, but I'm going to post it again. I just found it in my nightstand, and I thought it was pretty good. It's not great. But it's pretty good. Here goes...
May 22, 2010
She smiled. I'd known her my whole life.
But this was different.
Her eyes were ablaze with that of faked happiness and calm.
No, not faked. But mimicked.
They made her like this.
They made me worried.
There were too many of them too often.
I felt lost by her sudden reliance on them.
She didn't need them.
We'd all seen her go without them
Ignore them.
But they've come back,
So strong now.
I'm sensitive,
Breathing through a straw is what it's like,
Adrenaline in your veins constantly is what it's like,
Sadness forever occupying your heart is what ti's like.
Hide the pain.
Hide the worry.
Hide the concern.
Hide it all.
Fake a smile,
A laugh if you must.
Don't tell her.
It'll be alright,
Maybe.
But this time,
It's different.
Alright, there went that. If you're going, "What the hell was that ABOUT, Kay?" Well, this might explain it. It might not. Either way, after this, I'm done. No more.
April 27, 2011
This is another one of those letters you'll never get. I just need to get things off my chest. Things I just can't tell you. A lot of this will seem out of order, but it's ok, right? You're my mommy, you'll understand, right? No, probably not, but I love you.
I've been in a lot of mental and emotional pain lately. A lot of stuff has been happening. It honestly feels like you're turning your back on me. I don't feel GOOD. I don't feel HAPPY. I don't feel SUPPORTED.
It seems that whenever you catch me alone, all you do is bitch me out. About anything. You falsely accuse me of "manipulation". Why would I do that to you? Lie to you like that? And yet, you still make me feel hated.
Only 17 days ago you gave me a coin. The pure, simple meaning of it is 9 months of sobriety.
Sorry, I'm writing fast.
To me, that little purple coin means so much more than 9 months of sobriety. It means a promise. A promise not only to stay sober, but to continue to care, love, nourish, understand, trust. I carried that coin around with me constantly.
Yesterday, you told me you were going to start drinking again. Besides that, you were already smoking regularly.
Quite honestly, my heart broke. You game me the same old speech of, "I've done research, I'll limit myself, I won't get bad..." all these things we all know are lies. You're stressed, you want to drown your feelings...
Mommy, I'm scared. I love you.
I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to be mom to the ones who are too young to understand They just got out of the habit of calling me "Mom"...
You're going to get hurt, you're going to lose yourself. We all know it, and I already see it happening.
I'm sorry, I love you.
That's it, I'm done. Goodnight, Quiet City
Never gonna quit fighting,
-LadyWar
I know I've been saying this a lot lately, but to the few of you that actually read this or those of you who stumble upon it, if you feel like you're going to be offended, DON'T READ IT. Simple. It's MY blog, MY stuff, My thoughts, MINE. Not yours. So I don't care how you feel about what I do or do not write.
A lot has been going on lately, I'm not sure what I mentioned in my last entry, but I'll just tell you what's happening, then I may or may not go into detail. Depending on what I'm feelin'.
So starting about a week and a half ago, my mother had started acting strange towards me. Any time she caught me alone, she would bitch me out for ANYTHING she found fit. ANYTHING. It was kind of ridiculous. Then when I went over to Sunshine's one day, she tightened her...we'll call it her "parental grip" on me. She ordered me to do this, not to do that. She claimed to have never said things that we all know she said. I was confused and lost, I'd done nothing wrong, but here I was being called "manipulative" and a "liar". ME?! Aww whatever. She made me walk home the first night, 3.5 miles at 10pm, I might add. The second night she agreed to pick me up. She of course bitched me out the entire ride home, not asking how I was, what I did, how my day went. Anything.
So that's what started this.
People have been telling me I'm acting different. I don't know, maybe I am. But it's not just one person who is telling me that. Well, maybe a little exploration of what happened between last weekend and now will open all our eyes. Shall we explore?
Monday was pretty fine. Skipped school with Sunshine, it was his birthday.
That's the night that mother bitched me out on the way home, I do believe.
Tuesday I think I received some news. Unsettling news. I don't think I'll go into detail about that... But it's about my mom. I might go into it in the form of a letter I wrote to her, one of those ones she'll never get. Later though, later.
Wednesday I was dead tired, had to take TAKS tests. Stupid standardized tests. I'm sure I told you about them earlier sometime. Took about three hours. Strangely exhausted me the rest of the day. Not sure what else happened that day.
Thursday... still not sure what happened most of the day, but I had TAKS.
Friday....had TAKS again. Sunshine got my hopes up, thought he might get to spend much needed time with me, he couldn't go to his friend's house. I was the "back up plan", basically. Which makes me feel great.
Especially since he found plans with his long-lost friend an hour away. He's staying the night and won't be back until tomorrow afternoon, I have separation anxiety. It sucks.
I guess I'm most angry about him leaving because I'm jealous. I wish I could re-unite with my long-lost friends... With all my heart. Well, mostly Snowflake... but still. I love you Snowflake :) if you're reading this.
On top of all that happening though, I had to babysit. Which normally wouldn't be a huge deal, but Crane wasn't here and Sunshine was gone, and what's happening with my mom just made me dread the whole night.
So here I am. What to do now, what to do.
OH! I'm reading a new book. It's about 400 pages long. I'm so addicted to it. I checked it out yesterday morning and I'm only 15 short pages from being done with it. It's GREAT. It's sexy, insane, slightly innocent in a way, edge-of-your-seat good! It's called "Nightshade". I can't tell you what it's about, it'll spoil it ;)
Now, I don't know if I already posted this last year, but I'm going to post it again. I just found it in my nightstand, and I thought it was pretty good. It's not great. But it's pretty good. Here goes...
May 22, 2010
She smiled. I'd known her my whole life.
But this was different.
Her eyes were ablaze with that of faked happiness and calm.
No, not faked. But mimicked.
They made her like this.
They made me worried.
There were too many of them too often.
I felt lost by her sudden reliance on them.
She didn't need them.
We'd all seen her go without them
Ignore them.
But they've come back,
So strong now.
I'm sensitive,
Breathing through a straw is what it's like,
Adrenaline in your veins constantly is what it's like,
Sadness forever occupying your heart is what ti's like.
Hide the pain.
Hide the worry.
Hide the concern.
Hide it all.
Fake a smile,
A laugh if you must.
Don't tell her.
It'll be alright,
Maybe.
But this time,
It's different.
Alright, there went that. If you're going, "What the hell was that ABOUT, Kay?" Well, this might explain it. It might not. Either way, after this, I'm done. No more.
April 27, 2011
This is another one of those letters you'll never get. I just need to get things off my chest. Things I just can't tell you. A lot of this will seem out of order, but it's ok, right? You're my mommy, you'll understand, right? No, probably not, but I love you.
I've been in a lot of mental and emotional pain lately. A lot of stuff has been happening. It honestly feels like you're turning your back on me. I don't feel GOOD. I don't feel HAPPY. I don't feel SUPPORTED.
It seems that whenever you catch me alone, all you do is bitch me out. About anything. You falsely accuse me of "manipulation". Why would I do that to you? Lie to you like that? And yet, you still make me feel hated.
Only 17 days ago you gave me a coin. The pure, simple meaning of it is 9 months of sobriety.
Sorry, I'm writing fast.
To me, that little purple coin means so much more than 9 months of sobriety. It means a promise. A promise not only to stay sober, but to continue to care, love, nourish, understand, trust. I carried that coin around with me constantly.
Yesterday, you told me you were going to start drinking again. Besides that, you were already smoking regularly.
Quite honestly, my heart broke. You game me the same old speech of, "I've done research, I'll limit myself, I won't get bad..." all these things we all know are lies. You're stressed, you want to drown your feelings...
Mommy, I'm scared. I love you.
I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to be mom to the ones who are too young to understand They just got out of the habit of calling me "Mom"...
You're going to get hurt, you're going to lose yourself. We all know it, and I already see it happening.
I'm sorry, I love you.
That's it, I'm done. Goodnight, Quiet City
Never gonna quit fighting,
-LadyWar
Thursday, April 14, 2011
ThePromise
We all know what I'm going to say, so I won't say it. I'm just going to jump right into things.
I recently celebrated my 7 month mark with Sunshine. I hope it lasts forever.
There has been quite a bit of drama, originating from my end. I overreact a lot and dismiss things I do that I know can't be right. But I'm working on it. I promised I'd try, and I am trying. It's hard though. To change how I've always,always been around people. You know how that can be? I figured you would...cuz...you're a blog. :P
Now I'm going to get into my creative writing portion. Just letting you know, most of this isn't creative at all. We've had these study halls in school every day and I have nothing better to do so I write. I've written several pages, so this might be a long one. Oh well. :)
Once again, if one of you feels like you MAY be offended in any way by reading these, just don't read them because I'm not sensoring myself for your selfish comfort. K?
Monday, April 11. 1:43pm
"Things About Friends"
Do you know what it feels like, not having anyone? You take your friends for granted, you aren't eternally grateful every time you call your friend, tell her all your troubles and worries. You go to the mall with her, watch movies with her, gossip, cry, sleep over, share secrets.
I love him and I'll always go to him with anything, but no one seems to understand that I need girl friends. Paint nails and have little inside jokes. Things that girlfriends do.
Same day, only a few minutes later
"Things About Boyfriends"
I've gone years through trial, error, together to broken up. My heart has been broken, I learned sometimes, and sometimes I didn't learn so quickly. I learned of all the people I could be molded into. I replaced their mom, their ex, their sister, their best friend. I could be dark and quiet, bright and loud, mysterious, trustworthy, happy, sad, sexual, not sexual, needy, independent, blind and oblivious, risky and random, cautious and observant. All of those are who I am, but none of them are singularly "me".
Plenty of times I was literally left "broken up" inside and out. I'd be lost and empty, no longer knowing who I was at all.
His fantasy of a relationship was now my nightmare. Without him, there was no more clay to mold me with, no one to mold me...leaving me empty. Those in my family and my best friends who knew me so well for who I was had to piece me together. Over a period of time, I'd be me again. But of all the little pieces, some were never found.
My lesson is to be with someone who loves you for who you really are, not who they want you to be, or who you're "replacing" in their life. It took me this long to find that person for me, who really loves me. Don't five up, you'll find yours someday. :)
Same day, a little while after
"Things About Family"
How many people can you say have a perfect family? 2 kids, never divorced parents, a nice house, solid income, good health? I've learned many things are broken and fixed, but never all the way fixed. Young parents with two toddlers divorce, both parents remarry, the two families silently fight for the two little girls, who now have two new half siblings. Both families move far way from the other, and fall to the economy.
Both families are broken, and fixed by their new "family". The two girls will forever live in confusion and conflict with who they are, while their father never calls or cares, forever.
Nothing is perfect, never expect it to be. You'll just be disappointed.
Same day, a little while later
"Things About School"
I've been to a number of schools in my life, some better than others, some experiences more memorable. The things we always remember are not the things we learn from teachers: the state capitals on the map, the equation for rational exponents or whatever, or what the teaching of "Of Mice And Men" is. We remember things from our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fun times outside the classroom are the things we really learn from. What do elementary kids look forward to? Recess three times a day! Middleschoolers look forward to lunch and art class, highschoolers look forward to lunch, study hall, and the weekend. The most valuable life lessons aren't always in a classroom.
April 12, 2011. 1:43pm
"Things About Death"
I'll keep this one pretty short. Everybody dies. Everything dies. Nothing lasts forever, don't expect it to. Death is a part of life that everyone will go through.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"Things About Mistakes"
Mistakes happen all the time. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept what's happened and move on.
Same day, a few minutes later.
Don't you ever get sick of being admired,
Maybe you'll just get fired.
Don't have to worry about that anymore.
Just go ahead and walk out that door.
Do it like your father did when you were five.
Turn your family to an angry bee hive.
You say your heart is healing,
but what are you really feeling?
April 13, 2011. 1:56pm.
Some things that happen to people...No one deserves it. No one. I mean what could someone possibly do to deserve all that? It's like things were bad enough, it isn't fair. I know people will say "Life isn't fair". I'll give them a high five and say, "Hell yeah, that's true."
Same day.
My justice wasn't done
All I knew how to do was run.
It's what I've done all my life.
All I need is to remove that knife.
The one he put in me all those years ago.
Who he is I don't even know.
My justice will never be done. Rising soon on your story will be the sun.
I'll help and be here for you.
Until my heart is black and blue.
You will not be alone,
Justice will be served.
April 14,2011. 1:43pm
"B"
Beautiful is
Believing in who you are.
Being something you aren't can end
Badly.
Bleed out my heart for you, I hope you feel
Better now that you can
Breathe without feeling suffocated, your face isn't so
Blue and you can have the courage to give his
Bullets
Back.
Bring your hope, love, and happiness. Leave your
Black roses crying.
Be strong, you can do this, you're so
Bright.
Busy is as busy does, so you must learn to
Balance aspects of your life. Your
Baby is all grown up.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"S"
Show me your
Secrets, don't be afraid. Never
Sacrifice what is rightfully yours. Always be
Sure of who you are, only you can know your
Story by heart. I know things can seem
So certain and laid out.
She is love, threw away her mistakes to the
Streets, they joined her
Sorrows. She has the power to finally
Stand up for who she is.
So yeah, that's about it. I wrote some amazing place poems today, I'll be sure to get those up here asap! :)
Loves <3
I recently celebrated my 7 month mark with Sunshine. I hope it lasts forever.
There has been quite a bit of drama, originating from my end. I overreact a lot and dismiss things I do that I know can't be right. But I'm working on it. I promised I'd try, and I am trying. It's hard though. To change how I've always,always been around people. You know how that can be? I figured you would...cuz...you're a blog. :P
Now I'm going to get into my creative writing portion. Just letting you know, most of this isn't creative at all. We've had these study halls in school every day and I have nothing better to do so I write. I've written several pages, so this might be a long one. Oh well. :)
Once again, if one of you feels like you MAY be offended in any way by reading these, just don't read them because I'm not sensoring myself for your selfish comfort. K?
Monday, April 11. 1:43pm
"Things About Friends"
Do you know what it feels like, not having anyone? You take your friends for granted, you aren't eternally grateful every time you call your friend, tell her all your troubles and worries. You go to the mall with her, watch movies with her, gossip, cry, sleep over, share secrets.
I love him and I'll always go to him with anything, but no one seems to understand that I need girl friends. Paint nails and have little inside jokes. Things that girlfriends do.
Same day, only a few minutes later
"Things About Boyfriends"
I've gone years through trial, error, together to broken up. My heart has been broken, I learned sometimes, and sometimes I didn't learn so quickly. I learned of all the people I could be molded into. I replaced their mom, their ex, their sister, their best friend. I could be dark and quiet, bright and loud, mysterious, trustworthy, happy, sad, sexual, not sexual, needy, independent, blind and oblivious, risky and random, cautious and observant. All of those are who I am, but none of them are singularly "me".
Plenty of times I was literally left "broken up" inside and out. I'd be lost and empty, no longer knowing who I was at all.
His fantasy of a relationship was now my nightmare. Without him, there was no more clay to mold me with, no one to mold me...leaving me empty. Those in my family and my best friends who knew me so well for who I was had to piece me together. Over a period of time, I'd be me again. But of all the little pieces, some were never found.
My lesson is to be with someone who loves you for who you really are, not who they want you to be, or who you're "replacing" in their life. It took me this long to find that person for me, who really loves me. Don't five up, you'll find yours someday. :)
Same day, a little while after
"Things About Family"
How many people can you say have a perfect family? 2 kids, never divorced parents, a nice house, solid income, good health? I've learned many things are broken and fixed, but never all the way fixed. Young parents with two toddlers divorce, both parents remarry, the two families silently fight for the two little girls, who now have two new half siblings. Both families move far way from the other, and fall to the economy.
Both families are broken, and fixed by their new "family". The two girls will forever live in confusion and conflict with who they are, while their father never calls or cares, forever.
Nothing is perfect, never expect it to be. You'll just be disappointed.
Same day, a little while later
"Things About School"
I've been to a number of schools in my life, some better than others, some experiences more memorable. The things we always remember are not the things we learn from teachers: the state capitals on the map, the equation for rational exponents or whatever, or what the teaching of "Of Mice And Men" is. We remember things from our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, fun times outside the classroom are the things we really learn from. What do elementary kids look forward to? Recess three times a day! Middleschoolers look forward to lunch and art class, highschoolers look forward to lunch, study hall, and the weekend. The most valuable life lessons aren't always in a classroom.
April 12, 2011. 1:43pm
"Things About Death"
I'll keep this one pretty short. Everybody dies. Everything dies. Nothing lasts forever, don't expect it to. Death is a part of life that everyone will go through.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"Things About Mistakes"
Mistakes happen all the time. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept what's happened and move on.
Same day, a few minutes later.
Don't you ever get sick of being admired,
Maybe you'll just get fired.
Don't have to worry about that anymore.
Just go ahead and walk out that door.
Do it like your father did when you were five.
Turn your family to an angry bee hive.
You say your heart is healing,
but what are you really feeling?
April 13, 2011. 1:56pm.
Some things that happen to people...No one deserves it. No one. I mean what could someone possibly do to deserve all that? It's like things were bad enough, it isn't fair. I know people will say "Life isn't fair". I'll give them a high five and say, "Hell yeah, that's true."
Same day.
My justice wasn't done
All I knew how to do was run.
It's what I've done all my life.
All I need is to remove that knife.
The one he put in me all those years ago.
Who he is I don't even know.
My justice will never be done. Rising soon on your story will be the sun.
I'll help and be here for you.
Until my heart is black and blue.
You will not be alone,
Justice will be served.
April 14,2011. 1:43pm
"B"
Beautiful is
Believing in who you are.
Being something you aren't can end
Badly.
Bleed out my heart for you, I hope you feel
Better now that you can
Breathe without feeling suffocated, your face isn't so
Blue and you can have the courage to give his
Bullets
Back.
Bring your hope, love, and happiness. Leave your
Black roses crying.
Be strong, you can do this, you're so
Bright.
Busy is as busy does, so you must learn to
Balance aspects of your life. Your
Baby is all grown up.
Same day, a few minutes later.
"S"
Show me your
Secrets, don't be afraid. Never
Sacrifice what is rightfully yours. Always be
Sure of who you are, only you can know your
Story by heart. I know things can seem
So certain and laid out.
She is love, threw away her mistakes to the
Streets, they joined her
Sorrows. She has the power to finally
Stand up for who she is.
So yeah, that's about it. I wrote some amazing place poems today, I'll be sure to get those up here asap! :)
Loves <3
Monday, March 7, 2011
TheNicestThing
I'll start out this post like I start out every other post.
I need to post more :P
Something I'm learning lately is that time goes on. No matter what happens, or is in your mind or the memories you have, it won't ever happen again and time goes on. Recently it seems that time is going by too quickly. I want to savor each moment I get to enjoy, and forget the rest.
School is starting to piss me off. People are stupid and dramatic, teachers are also stupid and dramatic. We had TAKS last Tuesday (it's Texas Standardized Tests, not sure what TAKS stands for though...) and so we only had 20 minute class periods. Of course, in my spanish class the prissy little bitch of a teacher gives us three pages of translating and a worksheet. WHY!
So this is kind of becoming my second writing journal, so I'm going to put up some things I wrote in my Creative Writing journal.
This first one is an assignment I had to do for English. We had to write one page of lined paper on a creative prompt. I chose a prompt where I had to take one of my favorite songs and "Bring it to life," whatever that means. Did I succeed? I don't know, you judge. The song is Little Secrets by Passion Pit.
We all jumped together as one. The walls came crumbling. The music blew our hair back, the beats making our hearts pulse as one. No one has to know where we are, what we're doing, or who we're with. After all, you proudly shame your whole family's name.
Before this all, we were painting rainbows on my ugly face, for I built this cardboard neighborhood's disgrace.
Why can't everything be beautiful? It's the way I see everything I need, it's the way to be.
Now we're here, so let this be our little secret. Let's dance and laugh. No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. Now I feel alive, I feel it in me. Up and up, we'll keep on climbing higher and higher.
There are colors everywhere and you can't explain as your "friends" complain. None of it matters anymore, e yourself and be happy with who you are.
And now you can't help but ignore the people staring at your scars. Your mother thought once there was a power she was wielding, but you're free now.
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. I feel alive and I feel it in me, up and up we just keep climbing higher and higher.
They all tumbled into me, I shook them off of me. If the ride should bump me to oblivion, at least I'll be happy.
Ok, so there's that. Here's my second option but it's not nearly as good: The Answer by Blue October
People use my open mind and understanding, then they leave. I know them all so well, they say they know me, like I'm an open book. There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. Well that's strange because I'm an "Open book." You don't know me, you don't want me. You only come to me because no one else cares.
I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people, and the only funny thing is I don't know how to give myself advice.
I thought maybe you could be my friend, but even you betrayed me and left me. People come and go as they please, not once asking if I'm okay, or what's on my mind.
In my head, there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling: control.
You say I'm an open book, well that's just great. I'm an open book, but I'm really shy.
You're so easy, God wrapped you like a bow. Something different needs to happen, and that's the answer.
The answer is quite the opposite of who I am. I need to be careless, and live my own life.
I'm going to open up and find the answer within myself.
So that's that. I feel like this post is getting long, so I have to add my little bit of cheesyness in here.
It's our six month anniversary tomorrow, so if he reads this: Happy Anniversary Babe :) I love you
Ok, that's it I promise!
Goodnight Quiet City!
~LadyWar~
I need to post more :P
Something I'm learning lately is that time goes on. No matter what happens, or is in your mind or the memories you have, it won't ever happen again and time goes on. Recently it seems that time is going by too quickly. I want to savor each moment I get to enjoy, and forget the rest.
School is starting to piss me off. People are stupid and dramatic, teachers are also stupid and dramatic. We had TAKS last Tuesday (it's Texas Standardized Tests, not sure what TAKS stands for though...) and so we only had 20 minute class periods. Of course, in my spanish class the prissy little bitch of a teacher gives us three pages of translating and a worksheet. WHY!
So this is kind of becoming my second writing journal, so I'm going to put up some things I wrote in my Creative Writing journal.
This first one is an assignment I had to do for English. We had to write one page of lined paper on a creative prompt. I chose a prompt where I had to take one of my favorite songs and "Bring it to life," whatever that means. Did I succeed? I don't know, you judge. The song is Little Secrets by Passion Pit.
We all jumped together as one. The walls came crumbling. The music blew our hair back, the beats making our hearts pulse as one. No one has to know where we are, what we're doing, or who we're with. After all, you proudly shame your whole family's name.
Before this all, we were painting rainbows on my ugly face, for I built this cardboard neighborhood's disgrace.
Why can't everything be beautiful? It's the way I see everything I need, it's the way to be.
Now we're here, so let this be our little secret. Let's dance and laugh. No one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. Now I feel alive, I feel it in me. Up and up, we'll keep on climbing higher and higher.
There are colors everywhere and you can't explain as your "friends" complain. None of it matters anymore, e yourself and be happy with who you are.
And now you can't help but ignore the people staring at your scars. Your mother thought once there was a power she was wielding, but you're free now.
Let this be our little secret, no one needs to know we're feeling higher and higher. I feel alive and I feel it in me, up and up we just keep climbing higher and higher.
They all tumbled into me, I shook them off of me. If the ride should bump me to oblivion, at least I'll be happy.
Ok, so there's that. Here's my second option but it's not nearly as good: The Answer by Blue October
People use my open mind and understanding, then they leave. I know them all so well, they say they know me, like I'm an open book. There's a part of me seeking and desperately needing to open up. Well that's strange because I'm an "Open book." You don't know me, you don't want me. You only come to me because no one else cares.
I'm an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people, and the only funny thing is I don't know how to give myself advice.
I thought maybe you could be my friend, but even you betrayed me and left me. People come and go as they please, not once asking if I'm okay, or what's on my mind.
In my head, there's some shelves that need cleaning from basement to ceiling: control.
You say I'm an open book, well that's just great. I'm an open book, but I'm really shy.
You're so easy, God wrapped you like a bow. Something different needs to happen, and that's the answer.
The answer is quite the opposite of who I am. I need to be careless, and live my own life.
I'm going to open up and find the answer within myself.
So that's that. I feel like this post is getting long, so I have to add my little bit of cheesyness in here.
It's our six month anniversary tomorrow, so if he reads this: Happy Anniversary Babe :) I love you
Ok, that's it I promise!
Goodnight Quiet City!
~LadyWar~
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
Stolen
So today I'm just kind of feeling really down. I woke up late this morning, threw on something that was probably dirty, sloppily did my makeup and didn't do shit to my hair. I ran out the door with a breakfast shake still in my mouth, my shoes half on, and I didn't have my homework or lunch money. Half asleep, I climbed onto the bus, my legs in great pain from the night before. The whole day has been a sleepy blur, I stabbed myself in the palm with a blue pen, so that's news I guess.
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Crane has been incredibly pissy all day, and I don't know what to do about it at all. Everything I do seems to piss her off, so I'm just going to stop trying.
You know, no matter what happens, time doesn't stop, it still goes on. The world keeps spinning, the seasons keep changing. Everyone keeps moving. Things are born, things live, things die. Constantly. We are always forced to adapt to new situations, new places, new people, and I'm scared for what is going to happen in my life. I don't know why. Everything is beautiful and amazing right now, but what about in a few months? In a few years? In 20 years? We can never be certain.
So, I know I shouldn't put this cheesy lovey shit on here, but I just have to say something. I have never, ever, ever, felt this towards anyone else in my entire life. He makes me want to fly, dance in pointless circles, cry happy tears, laugh until I pass out, forget about everything in the entire world but him. He's so amazing. I'm crazy for him. With him, I'm so me, and it's so real. I am happy and content, I'm at peace and completely head-over-heels in love. I never want this to end. <3
See, now I'm not even in a gloomy mood anymore. Everything is now seeming to fit into place and work out in my head. I feel so ecstatic! This is amazing. Alright, sorry :)
I think that should be it for today, I promise I'll blog more often. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
MeantToLive
I have had the flu since Thursday. It really sucks, I've been pretty much bed-ridden, forcing myself to drink Theraflu after Theraflu.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
But before this, a bunch of bullshit with California happened. She was my friend, and I trusted her, and I supported her through so much, and then she stabbed me in the back and betrayed me. So now, I don't know what to do, so I'll just hate her back. Two can play at that game, sister.
So, what's the worst thing you can hear from a friend? I ask some people, they say the worst thing is, "I hate you," "I'm going to kill myself," "I hate you," "I hate you."
What is my worst thing? Well, people tell me they hate me, and soon I just get used to it, so it's not one of those things that still makes my heart drop.
"It's a part of me," "It's made me who I am," "It's who I am now," Are some of the variations of the worst thing I can hear. Of course, here I'm talking about substance addiction. These people tell me over and over they don't have a problem and they aren't addicted. Then they say that, and I know there is no hope of getting them back with the little knowledge I have.
Which is why I am going to be an addictions councilor. I am taking four classes next year in psychology related fields, and I'm getting my Program of Study in Mental Health, which should get me a good head start on college. I can heal people and make it all better, make it so all that is part of them is who they are, not any of them is controlled by a substance.
I had to be quiet, he had to be quiet. Convincing him over was easy, getting him here was not. He had to get out of his house, across the street, across another, into our back yard, and through our window. Silently, in the moonlight of three AM in September.
Every move we made, every breath we whispered was hesitant once he was here. He was cold. I threw covers to him, covering his bare shoulders. Why was he here? Why did I need him here? I couldn't remember, but it didn't matter. He was here now.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
SomebodyToldMe
So, I wrote something totally cheesy to one of my teachers... yeah, ONE OF MY TEACHERS. She really changed my life and I just... I don't know, I was in her class today and I felt like I just needed to write something...anything... about her.
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
So here it is... Sorry...
Dear _____:
I know you don't know me very well...Even though you see me every other day. It is my fault that it isn't different. My whole point of this is... you have changed my life. You've changed how I look at myself and how I look at others as well. I don't know if you know how amazing you are. You do all of these great things, and I probably don't know the half of them. You teach all these classes, you're a mom, you do all of these other awesome things... Inspiring others, including me. Honestly, I have never known who I was or what I wanted to do. I never thought I was worth anything or ever would be. Do you you remember that day last year when I came to you crying? It didn't mean as much as it did then as it does now. You were there for me when no one else was and you didn't even really know me. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has had this happen. You open your heart to so many different people, and you've inspired me to be a new person. You've been through a lot, and we have witnessed you push past all of the negative, and be happy, continuing to help others with an open heart. I still don't know you very well, and you don't know me, but you've changed my life for the better, so I thank you, Mrs.______. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Yeah, I know. Cheesy, lame. Whatever you wanna call it. But I just had to write something to her. I won't give it to her, though. I might at the end of the year or something... I don't know.
I also wrote something really random. I've talked to a few people in my family that had died for anywhere from seven seconds to two minutes. So, I kind of made up a story of my own... It's really not that good but why not put it up here...?
The bright light consumed her. Made her feel whole. I held her close and kissed her head. She was happy. She could hear a faint sound of panic somewhere in a distance she didn't see. She didn't want to see. This warm silence was peaceful enough for her to just BE. Did it occur to her that maybe she was dreaming? No, she didn't want it to occur to her.
The panic started growing louder. She felt her feet lift off the ground. Gently and effortlessly. The noise swelled and things below her began to take shape, become focused. She watched as doctors and nurses and her family scrambled around a tiny white room, enclosing a table? A bed? A gurney! The girl was too late. She tried reaching for the walls, pictures, trays, people. Anything to stop her from flying away. But she couldn't stop and she went higher and higher, feeling that familiar warmth return to consume her again. It embraced her like a long-lost friend and held her close. She wouldn't go back, ever. And she was happy.
So, yeah that's about all I have for now. I am enjoying my life mostly :) It's good. <3 Until later, LadyWar!
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