TrippedAndFellInPortland

So, I realize I have not been exactly open as I should be to you. And I am sorry for that. I can't say I'm happy school is back or that I am sad, but I'm pretty sure I've been over this.
Sometimes I don't understand why I can't just CONTROL MYSELF. Why can't I just be happy with one guy these days...? Is this what happens to a broken heart??? (cough cough.. Bird...)

Dolphin and I are very close, since Wanderer and Protector seem to have pretty much abandoned me. I have a feeling Dolphin won't abandon me. At least I hope he won't. He says he won't. I just want to be loved for ME. I want an honest, clean, pure relationship. I don't want past secrets and heartbreaks to haunt our present conditions. I just want a clean slate. Someone I can trust to not hurt me like the others have.
I know what they all say: I won't do it again, I promise you. I wouldn't do that to you again.
But I've been lied to so many times by so many people who I swore wouldn't lie to me, I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Can you tell I'm lost?

I did something very.... evil (?) last night....
Well not really. They agreed to do it. I won't go into too many details, but I must say I was quite surprised they did it and I honestly don't think I'll look at either of them the same ever again....
;)

So I watched a movie, called CityIsland. It was a good movie. It has kind of a slow start, but it sped up very quickly. It's one of those movies that have little things throughout the movie that connect together. Small things, but they all turn into a huge deal. Make sense?

I'm reading a book called The Art of Racing in the Rain. It's a wonderful book about a dog and his master, told from the dog's point of view. It says something on the cover along the lines of the dog teaching humanity how to behave. It's really a great book, and I'm only on page 50.

Jazzy, one of my ex's and Dolphin's friend, was showing me odd videos on youtube the other day. I got rather addicted to them and I spent about two hours purely watching them. Here were a few of my favourites though.

(DISCLAIMER: If you get grossed out easily, are mentally insane, have some kind of fear of creepy, or weird things, please don't watch these. I'm serious.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23YI1bWAuMY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idCFV0KF4uo&feature=PlayList&p=25D6E312FB66428C&index=0&playnext=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPSRVbTcLwE&p=25D6E312FB66428C&index=6

Ok, this last one is my absolute favourite, it has been for a while. It's not one that Dolphin or Jazzy showed me. I've known of this one for a while now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjBDfZZQz54

CreativeWriting

So, I wrote a few short kind of story things in Creative Writing today and I'll put them on here. I don't think they are that wonderful, but I'll put them on here anyway.

On the other side of that door, there was no familiarity. "The first day is always the hardest", my mother told me before I left. I was venturing into some place so new and it was definitely not what I was used to at all. The people could be like animals, staring me down like I'm their next meal. They could be completely close-minded and they'd never WANT to understand. "Come on, it's high school. You're a sophomore." What if nobody even cared or noticed me? Maybe I should try to blend in.

Ok, I stopped that one there, because...well... we had fifteen minutes to write something based on a prompt and I wasn't' really feeling it with this one. So I quickly chose another prompt and wrote a small bit on that. Here it is.

The rumble of the moving truck rang in my ears. My feet were dragging on the ground. I didn't want to leave. The last time I saw him, he was happy and smiling. Now, he was trying to smile, but I could see the tears blurring his eyes. He was one of my best friends. I could tell him anything, except for right now. I was terrified and mentally lost, but I wasn't about to let that show. In the distance, I could hear my parents calling me to go, I could hear my sister's sobbing. But all of that needed to go away. I couldn't leave him here alone like this. I tried to smile as we said goodbye, but the tears couldn't stop. I had to go. I had to leave everything that I ever knew to be home. Abandon every single thing that ever mattered to me for a place I knew nothing about. Leave for a place that didn't know me.

Alright, that one was rather short, and a bit lame. I wish I had been able to incorporate a lot more than just that. I mean that was a big moment for me, but so was saying goodbye to Snowflake and I wish I could've had that in there too. This next one is a bit confusing and I think it's depressing. Here goes.

Max was Brendon's best friend. That is, before Brendon became what he'd call "popular". High-school-popular: Famous, who all the girls want, the one who never misses a party. The one who made Max a nobody. He was the one who ate lunch alone, the one who hasn't had his first kiss, the one who never would.
Brendon was perfect: star football player, good grades, the whole nine yards. When he became popular, Max just kind of slipped out of his life. Brendon didn't even seem to notice.
Max would ask himself constantly if he was worth it, if he had any purpose in his life at all.
Two years passed and as Brendon's life grew better, Max's life continued to spiral down. Nobody noticed though. Max was a good student. Quiet, but he made good grades. Sure he had a few friends, but even then he didn't really have anyone to trust and who could understand him quite like Brendon used to.
Soon enough, the cuts got deeper. When the blood poured out, it seemed like the problems were leaving him. Deeper and deeper they got.
Quickly enough, Max disappeared forever. And didn't Brendon notice? Did he care? Did he ever stop he glorious life to ask whatever happened to that boy who ate lunch alone, that boy who was a nobody? Did he know the last thing that boy felt was loneliness, the last thing he said was "Wait," the last thing he saw was blackness?
Now, that boy's mother cries herself to sleep alone every night, wondering why nobody saw this coming, not even her.

Aaaaaalright, how's that for an ending note? Sometimes my own writing teaches even MYSELF a lesson or two. I hope you can take something from it. Sorry it's so depressing though.... :(

I love you :)

Why did I just say that? Uhhhhhhhmmmmmmm oooooook...... enough said here.

You'reWayTooYoungToBeBroken

So, school starts tomorrow. I'll be a junior. I'm excited in a few ways, and not excited in a few ways as well.
I'm excited because I'll be in the oldest class. I'm an actual upperclassman this year. :) I'm also excited for the classes. Most of them, minus Algebra 2 and Chemistry seem easy and fun. I might switch out of choir to Creative Writing. I'm not a very good singer, especially when I get nervous, and it's no fun lipsyching all the time.....

Protector has returned, which makes me incredibly happy. Wanderer has also returned which just adds to the happiness :)

I drove all the way to the store today on a highway... That was amazing haha. I screwed up on the turn into our subdivision though, and I scared Swan half to death.

I probably won't sleep at all tonight, which is odd. I've been in highschool two years, it's nothing to be so nervous about. I was just telling Finn how he can't be nervous.... and he's going into college. I'm just trying to make it easier for him, I guess.

I find myself missing everyone that makes up my Home more and more. It kind of sucks.

There are cuts on my shins from when I was sleeping. At first I did think that they were from my "suicidal unconsious mind", but I soon found out that my legs were itching while I was sleeping and I itched them with a metal thing from the computer. They are extremely painful, and even more embarassing. How am I going to explain that to everyone at school? Arrive my first day and LIE to everyone? No, I won't lie.... I don't know. I'll just say, "DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME AGAIN OR I'LL DO IT TO YOUR FACE!!!!!" hahahahaha wow.

Alright that's all for now :)

IMissYou

There are so many people I miss. Even if they weren't too big of an impact on my life at the moment, they are now, and I realize what they all did for me. I miss Dolphin, Wanderer, Protector, Snowflake, EVERYONE. Even those people who I may not have ever mentioned in here, I miss them all so much. Even some of those people who I never once spoke one word to, I miss them too.

Do you ever feel like something is so annoying? Something you cannot stand? But you cannot get rid of that something? Why do people keep going back to the same thing that brought them down again? Why do they help those who want to pull you down?

Sometimes, I just get so discouraged. I begin to doubt the point in a lot of people. Dolphin, though, with all he's going through, he still wants to help. He insists to me that I cannot control how I feel and that the future holds many mysterious happenings. Things that we don't think can happen, really can. And probably will.

Protector and I talked on the phone for almost an hour and a half. Half of the time we really didn't have much to say, but to just know that he was there, and he is alive made it all worth it. We could be on the phone for hours and not say a word, but I'd still love every minute of it. He's so funny, he made me laugh several times, I'm not sure if he meant to, but he did. :)
He is going to be gone until Sunday, and I'm counting down the minutes until he returns.

"Your smile is amazing." "Your eyes are as deep as the ocean." "Your hair is so beautiful."

People could say all of this stuff, and I couldn't believe them for a million years. But I mean, EVERYONE starts saying this stuff about how beautiful I am. I don't really believe it, but I kind of feel like if so many people are saying it, either its a little true, or there is seriously some kind of defect that is spreading like wildfire to people's eyes.

Tomorrow is the last day of driver's ed. I will honestly miss it, I made a few friends there, and....yeah.

There is more and more drama with the people in Home. And of course, it all has to be spread about unevenly to Wanderer and I. It's not fair for him, he deals with everyone's shit anyway. They have no right to point fingers at him constantly.

I wish my friends would actually call me before they decide to do something stupid. Or when they are sad. I care about them and I want them to have the best life they can. Plenty of peoples' mistakes could have been prevented and stopped if they just gave me a call, I mean if nothing else I can just be a listening ear. Sometimes people just need someone to listen and understand and trust. I'm here.

I was told a secret a long while ago by Dolphin. I was the first person he told, and I'm glad for that. I'm afraid if he told someone else, they wouldn't have kept his secret, or they would have gotten mad at him. My job is to accept and help, not ridicule. Besides, he doesn't deserve it, he is really sweet to me and I have always appreciated him, even in those awkward moments freshman year. You know, occasionally, we STILL have those awkward moments. It makes me laugh.

Snowflake worries me sometimes. I mean I am sure she feels the same for me sometimes, but it's crazy, I almost constantly worry about her. Her life seems tough right now and I swear if I could I'd get her out of it all in a heartbeat. If I could just tell her what I see, what is so oblivious to her at times, then I really would. She deserves all she could ever want in life. She's amazing and incredibly beautiful. She's so smart and sweet and understanding. She is hilarious and incredibly compassionate and deep. She's so much more than what these people take her for. She will never ever be replaced and I hope and pray that someday we'll be close again, she's one of the strongest, wisest people I know. Crazy right?

So there's been this song stuck in my head for DAYS. Almost a week now. It's called "If It Means A Lot To You" by A Day To Remember. Dolphin got me hooked on this band, and so now, I'm a bit obsessed, like I was with Bird's band, Breathe Carolina.

I'm going to nap, then perhaps I'll go to the mall and get my toes done. I don't like people touching my feet unless they are a boyfriend. HAHA I told Crane that and she told me to close my eyes and imagine it's my boyfriend. I told her I'd probably weird out everyone in the salon........ yeah.... HAHA. I was kidding of course, but she took it literally for a moment and was scarred. :P I'm so nice.

YouGaveMeButterfliesAtTheMailbox

There's only a few things I'd like to say today.

Driving is in some ways more complicated and in others less complicated than I originally thought.
The weather, it's insane. It's 110 out today. That's crazy.
Protector and I, well, I thought that maybe we were getting somewhere. But now, I'm not so sure. It makes me so freaking depressed to know that he doesn't know how much I love him.
Breaking my heart wasn't enough, it seems.
Last night I had a break down. Typical for relapses. And as if THAT wasn't enough, Crane began telling me how stupid, and terribly mean I was to her and everyone else. I was in so much physical pain, and her telling me that WHILE that was happening was just terrible.

Finn is helping me through this, in a way. He tries, he really does and I appreciate it tremendously. He's the only one that supports me with this, even when he feels like it's wrong or bad for me, he supports me anyway. He wants me happy, but I want him to know that there will be a lot of pain involved in this. I really want Protector back. Forever, maybe. I don't know really. I don't know anything, maybe I am as stupid as Crane says.

Sometimes people can be SO incredibly stupid. And they do things I don't understand, I call them stupid. But I keep doing this over and over. It's not stupid. It's painful, yes. But I want it to work. People may say, "oh that's stupid. why does she keep doing that?". But I have my reasons, I am not exactly sure what those reasons are, but they are there.

What is trust? What is love? Why are these so important that they go hand in hand? But they do, and in order to love, you must trust.

Have you ever felt like something was going to hurt you, it was GOING to. But you can't stop? Like drugs, or alcohol. Addictions, is what I'm talking about.

I'm so confused and everything...




D-I-N-O-S-A U R A DINOSAUR. an O-L-D M-A-N you're just an OLD man, hittin on me what? you need a cat scan!!!! hey dinosaur, baby you're prehistoric. a dinosaur, that's what you are. hey carnivore, you want my meat i know it, a dinosaur, that's what you are. XD XD aaaallllright that was random.

Beautiful

It seems like I'm going in two directions with my emotions and my life.

One direction is down, into depression. Protector, of course. It brings me down, it seems like everything reminds me of him. The real him. I miss him so much with every passing minute.
With this direction I feel myself getting more and more tired. Worn out. Not focused. Antisocial, even with my family. The only time I really come downstairs is to eat or go on my nightly walk. It sucks.
The other direction is forward. I'm learning new things about life. I'm meeting people that are so positive and outgoing, I just cannot match them. My life is moving, whether I want it to or not. Every day feels dull and just like the last one. But no matter what the days are like, they still pass. Time still goes. I'm still dying. We all are. Nothing lasts forever.

Am I being too depressing in this post? I'm sorry, it's just how I feel. Only a few people talked to me today. And not the ones that really matter, besides Kenai and my old friend Dolphin. I feel so alone. Wanderer didn't even talk to me today.

IHaveADreamToo

For once in my life, I feel like I have a good idea, a realistic idea of what I'm going to do with my life. Then, of course, things have to bombard in on me and make my plans freak out and swim upsidedown in circles.

I'm lost, I'm confused. My tummy is starting to hurt and I just don't want to figure anything out anymore.

I'll try not to be such a negative girl though.
Things with Protector and I seemed to be getting fixed. But now, I don't know. I might not ever hear from him again and I don't think I can handle that. See now I'm being negative again.
I don't know what else to do though! I just wish it was easy. Love should be easy. And it was for a while. But now things are complicated. When substance abuse and life's dreams come into play, it just seems like he can't handle it. And I really really wish it would work. I love him so much.

I'm just lost, I guess.
I'll just listen to my Blue October to calm me. Make me sane again. Time heals all wounds... until they are re opened.

Pieces

Ya know, there are certain songs that remind me of certain people. Like how that song The Birds And The Bees by Breathe Carolina reminds me of Justin Timberlake every time I listen to it...?
Or how whenever I listen to The Gift by Angels & Airwaves I think of Snowflake?
Or whenever I hear the song Sleep by My Chemical Romance I almost want to cry because it reminds me of Protector.
Pieces by Red reminds me of Finn.
Follow Me by Uncle Kracker reminds me of Wanderer.
I could go on and on with these, but I won't.

It seems like things with Protector are more or less fixed...ish. I don't know. I'm still completely lost as to what I should do. I love him, but... I don't know. Maybe... Just... I don't know.

I occupy my days with driver's ed, naps, movies, and flash games online. It seems like a pretty boring existence right? I mean half the day I'm debating whether or not to call people and actually find something, anything to do. But, problem is, everyone I talk to doesn't live here. It kind of sucks...Ok it really sucks. But oh well, maybe I'll just... go out tonight and play Frisbee or something. I'm not sure.

Do you notice that I'm not really sure about anything? I just noticed that and it's starting to bug me. "Oh should I do this? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know..." "Oh should I give this person a call and talk? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know...". SERIOUSLY I NEED TO MAKE UP MY FREAKING MIND.

IsThisReallyHappening?

Now is one of those times I just want to give up on life. If you ask, yes, I'm going through a relapse. Roads of fuuuun ahead. Protector and I got into a fight and he isn't thinking right. He isn't using his head, or listening to his heart. I know that heart of his. It's bright and understanding. Complete and pure. Apparently, not anymore. That's how he's acting. I really am hoping that he'll realize.

Ok, I hope I'm not being too obsessive or whatnot. Oh well. It'll be alright...maybe.

Sorry this post is so empty. Kinda don't have a whole lot to say. I'm sorry.

HeyHeyYouYou

So a few days ago I went to float the river. The Colorado River. It flows pretty slowly and smoothly. I wore a bikini, and my tummy got rather sun burnt. I keep itching at it because it's peeling and it hurts so bad.

I'm starting to talk to Wanderer more and more lately. It's really quite entertaining.
Protector and I seem to be drifting apart, which makes me sad.

OK, so when I was at the river I wore a band around my right wrist and of course it got sunburned. So I have a white strip on my wrist. Every time I go into public I have to wear bracelets, it's really embarrassing.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say, sorry it's so short.

Until next time, LadyWar

Sorry

So, imagine something for me. Something a bit strange. Imagine you go your whole life up until now not having an idea of WHAT you were. You knew you had to be something, you just didn't know what.
You always noticed you were a bit different from others of "your kind", more mature, growing faster, whatever you want. But you're different.
Now, you finally know what you are, and it seems impossible. Nobody has ever even proposed anything like this to you before, but it makes complete sense. Only thing is, there's probably not even a thousand of you in your entire country.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been a bit busy with my life. I've had driver's ed. It's so boring, I don't know how many times I am going to say that through the next few weeks. But, I got my little green ticket to get my permit.

I met this guy, his name's Gage. He's really cool, and we share A LOT of things in common. Best part is, he goes to my school. And he's in my grade. I don't know, it's kind of nice to have a friend now. I haven't had a real friend in over a year live by me so I hope our friendship continues. But it won't progress into something more than friendship, I wouldn't agree to that.

Wanderer and I have been talking again lately. Obviously he doesn't hate me anymore. And I don't hate him. But, that doesn't mean we get along all the time.

So I was surfing the web today and I decided I'd go to a website that I see commercials for all the time on TV. Its called abovetheinfluence.com. It's really really cool and It kind of inspired me to write a poem. It had little prompty things, and I used a few of their keywords, but it's my poem and I made it up. Here it is.

I asked talk with me, too many times.
Can you hear me?
It's scary. Your denial and excuses...
You never know I'm scared.
Why do you do this?
You are my friend.
I've come to your rescue. I'm still here for you.
I love you...
Do you hear me?
Don't you care?
Do you really need it?
Your eyes told me, "I'm scared".
Talk with me.
If I ask you to stop...
Live above the pressure...
Live above the influence...
Live your life...
Will you stop?

Anyway, I had a long day, had to deal with a lot. So until next time.

TeenageDream

Today's entry will be rather short.

Happiness this morning, minus the driver's ed.

Went shopping to about five different clothes places, drove all over the city looking for these places....

Bought undies, shorts, and shirts all for under $60.

Came home, I was pissy for a while.

Snowflake made me cry, not in a bad way really. I just really miss her, and that's sinking in again.

Talked briefly to Kenai, and now I'm going to sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of it lately. Not sure why.

There's a lot of things on my mind lately, I'll talk more about them tomorrow. Until later, LadyWar.

Clone,NotCologne

Well, the past, (how long has it been,) two days have been full of drama.

Magic and California broke up... maybe I already said that. Anyway, California thinks Magic cannot be faithful. I disagree, I think he is a normal teenage guy in need of a hormonal release. That sentence made me laugh.

Bird got in trouble. I was worried, of course, but he was fine. As usual.

I had driver's education today. Interesting. I saw almost and exact copy of Protector. He's in my class. It was funny, I freaked out and almost attacked him...wow that would've been really embarassing. And sad, because it's not him. I miss him so much, and this guy going around looking like him sure doesn't help.
Eagle told Swan that I saw Protector's clone. I thought he said Protector's cologne... I was thinking how he possibly could've known what cologne he wears...

Crane's sleeping over at her friends house tonight, meaning I have the room to myself tonight. It's good, because I finally get to be away from everyone's constant requests, including Crane's. It's sad because I can't stay up too late. I have driver's ed again in the morning.
Hey, maybe I'll get some talking and catching up with my friends and Protector done :)

Am I obsessing? I think I am. Should I stop? Is this bad? Oh man, now I'm thinking too hard about too many things at once.

In other news, Wanderer is back to ignoring me again. Crane's back to being pissy. California's back to complaining constantly. Bird's not mad at me anymore. Magic is ignoring me. I'm back to straightening my hair. It feels longer that way.