SweetDreams

Well, SOMEONE hasn't been reminding dear old me to write. But one of my friends that reads reminded me over Christmas. :) Thank you, by the way.

I've been thinking a lot this break. Probably because of my lack of activities and my illnesses keeping me quarantined in my house. Just a guess. But I've been thinking about everything really. Who I am, what I want, where I want to go, what I want to be... What I'm GOING to be. You know, there's one answer that comes up into my mind when I ask myself all of these questions. "I don't know." My father says I'm not motivated, I am...I just don't know what to do. I would do something if I knew what to do. He starts asking me things like, "Well, what do you enjoy doing? What do you find pleasure doing?" My answer? I would say sex and drinking. But no, those aren't motivational at all. So I just say, "I don't know." What kind of career could I pursue besides a porn star and a wine critic? Gosh, I just don't know.

Wow, it's after 2am. Didn't know that. I have to wake up before one in the afternoon tomorrow because Sunshine's coming. Yay! I haven't seen him in over a week. I haven't wanted to get him sick. And I'm a mess. My hair looks like it did when I woke up, no makeup, ripped up jammies. You think I'm SOOO beautiful don't you? Yeah, he does. And it's genuine admiration, too. Not like he's trying to make me feel pretty. But almost as if... I really am beautiful.

I remember... I know I go on so much about Home and all... But I just can't stop. Like these memories and people won't stop knocking around inside my skull. Come on, it was almost two years ago. NO. If anyone takes anything from me, don't take that year. I learned so much, and experienced so much in that short amount of time.

Well, I really should go to sleep.... It's late...er... early. I don't know. Goodnight...er...morning...er... SEE YA! :)

NewPerspective

So, again, I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I either forget to, or don't have time to...most of the time it's the first one.

So I haven't been allowed at Sunshine's place for a while, won't talk too much about that, it's a long and complicated story. But basically Swan overreacted because I overreacted, and the end result just... wasn't good. But on Saturday, I was allowed to go over there, and I was happy. I missed having one on one time with him. He's a sweetheart, as usual, giving me everything I want (well everything he CAN give me XD).

California has news. She's gone lesbian. Not sure how to take this, so I'll just support her through it. Her and Magic broke up for good now, I think. Now that she's lesbian, she won't be going back to him, which honestly makes me relieved. He didn't deserve her, he was way too confusing. And he well... lives in another continent on the other side of the earth and all...

So this week is finals week, and then we have Christmas Break for two weeks!!! YAY!!! But not yay for finals week. Tomorrow I have two finals, one of which I'm sure I won't do well on: the easy one is English, the hard one is Algebra II. Fun fun fun....

I haven't been writing too much in my journal for Creative Writing lately. Not sure why. But I wrote a few things in there today. I wrote a short story based on a dream I had. I wrote a list of 30 Things California would never do. I then wrote a story about a girl who doesn't drink sitting in a bar, when a drunk man sits next to her and insists on telling her about "The Truth," and the other one was just random lines from songs I was listening to, and it again turned out well.

I'm excited to get my guitar for Christmas... teehee :)

Uhmmm... I think that is it for now. I'll TRY to post again soon. <3

MakeUpYourMindIt'sHalfPastNine

When we are young, we wish we were older.
when we are older,we wish we were younger.
When it's winter we wish for the heat.
When it's summer we wish for the cold.
When our hair is curly, we wish for it to be straight.
When our hair is straight we wish it to be curly.
When things get tough, we wish for ease and healing.
When we are happy, we find things to be upset about.
Take off, or crash landing?
We are young, we are old, we are cold and we are different.
We are happy and we are upset.
Everyone takes off, and everyone crashes.
We are only human.
But we are who we are.


That was just something that I had off of the top of my head. I realized today that life is good. Sure, there's a lot of bad things in it and all, but life is good. At least I AM alive in the first place. So I want to know how people work sometimes because I'm curious, other times because I want to know how I could take them down. Oh you hurt my feelings? I ruin your life for a while. Just a while. No, that's the old me. But She's starting to come out again. Should I be scared, or have fun with it?


This morning, I woke up several times before five AM with the baby kitty cuddling on my neck and sucking on my ears. It was nice at first. But after an hour, it gets rather old. So I picked him up by one hand and plopped him on the floor, right before Crane's first alarm went off. It was 6:20, I had been awake for an hour and twenty minutes, give or take a few minutes. I finally dragged myself out of bed twenty minutes earlier than I usually do, and proceeded to do my girlish rituals in front of the mirror for a while. Having all of this extra time, I decided to straighten my hair, to which Crane glared at me sinfully. I cocked my head to the side in question. She said that my hair would look better if I had straightened it the night before. Why would I straighten my hair on a night that I didn't have extra time, Crane? She always is the one telling me I'm so obsessed with myself, and that "We aren't going to a fashion show." Even though she is the one obsessed with how she looks and what everyone thinks of her.
Sure, I care what people think of me, but I'm not obsessed with it. Comfort is more important to me than style, most of the time. I wear what I think looks good, and feels good.

Anyway, things haven't been happening too much really, except a few big things. Two of them to be exact. The first thing is much better than the second, but I love all the same! :)

That shall be it for now.

TearsDon'tFall

I should really post on here more often, shouldn't I? Well, interestingly enough, I'm at Sunshine's place. I slept over here, but he isn't here. Hmmmm.... you may be wondering what the hell I'm doing here then. Well, he went to a party. And I decided that I'd be the one to babysit his little brother while his mom went out. Quite honestly the bed felt rather empty all through the night without him. But now his mother is on her way to pick him up. I hope he's ok. I swear to god if he is anything less than ok, I'm going to hurt him. And he won't be the only one I hurt. Trust me.

Anywho, I'm playing a game. It's pretty fun I think.
http://www.yoarcade.net/ability/tetritower_content.html
So yeah, awesome.

I don't know what else to put on here... and my posts usually end in this or a varient of it. XD Love you all :)

Knives&Pens

You sick fuck.
Don't think that at all.
I swear to you I don't mean it, ever.
What does it matter?
You're mine.
Sick fuck.
Oh, and you're home again.
What now?
Don't think that at all.
But, you're still mine.
Restless and solitary,
Misunderstood and heartbroken.
Don't think that at all.

Ok, so that one was just something really random, here's another THINK I don't know what to call it, but yeah, it has a few of the same lines just because it started out as one thing, but I didn't like the subtle transition, so I separated them... Not sure if it's a good idea or not but oh well...



Dead and alive,
Still in ice.
Not frozen in life,
or in death,
But in a quiet scene that never existed.
No dust shall touch your bones,
Until it is your own bones turn to dust.
Ashes to ashes,
We all fall down.
No rush,
Take your time.
You have forever, to lie here cold
In my arms.
I shall not cry,
I'll smile and kiss your rosy lips.
You won't smile back,
I know you mean to.
Not frozen in life,
or in death,
But in my arms, until the sun rises again.
Then I'll have the guts to smile last.
Be patient, my dear.
I'll join you soon.
When the sun rises,
I will conquer every fear,
Push through pain.
And I'll hold your hand,
Because I couldn't.
Dead and alive.


Yeah, so I don't know what all that was, but I really have nothing new to post. Oh, I'm failing two of my classes badly and I'm super stressed out about all my friends and all.... So that's just about all I can say here.

OverMyHead

So I've been quite "down" lately. I don't know why. But I am. And it's stupid. I need to be happy.

I've been feeling artistic. I just had a spanish project that I had to do and I kind of went a little bit nuts on it.
Speaking of nuts, my kitten is getting his chopped off on the 27th. I'm excited to have a calm kitty in the house once again.


I am strong, I am accepting, I am supportive, I am honest. I am me.

I don't know what to put in this blog. I have been very ill the past week or so. Whole nine yards, barfing, coughing, look like shit... all of it. So fun. Now I have a week's worth of school work and tests to make up this week. I'm not happy about it.

On a happy note, I found one of my favourite anklets!!

I got a weird picture message today of an animated Santa fucking some slut-looking chick earlier... from Snowflake. 0.o confused much? "Santa is a man, he shows up late. eats your cookie. empties his sack. he only cums once. calls you a Ho and leaves, while you're asleep." alright, I'll admit that's pretty freakin funny.

I seriously need to be happy. There is so much drama going on in my family and with my "friends", but Wanderer said that he'll record some new songs for me, which will probably make it better. But I'll be fine, I promise. Until next time. <3

HereComesTheSun

Yes, someone's going to laugh. They probably already are. But that's alright. ;)

So, I went to a party on Saturday, I'll write about that in my journal rather than on here because... I don't know. Just because. But all I can say is that it was fun. It was really fun. I got to sleep with Sunshine, which made me very happy. That is all I shall say on this topic. Moving on.

So yesterday, I felt shitty yesterday, I got about three or four hours of sleep on Saturday and I drank so that didn't help at all. Then today I still feel like shit. Food grosses me out, and I honestly cannot believe I ate a piece of gross cafeteria pizza and a little piece of steak tonight without instantly dying.

I feel so beautiful and amazing and I love it. I feel happy and comfortable. And I love it. Let me feel this forever.

My baby fishy is doing great. I love my little fourth of a mexican so much. XD

School is starting to suck. I don't want to do homework anymore, and I don't want to care about getting good grades anymore. It's just getting to the point where whenever I hear the word homework come out of a teacher's mouth I barf a little in my mouth and I momentarily die inside.

But the good news is that it is the last six weeks of the semester, which makes me extremely happy, and sad. Child Development will be taken out of my schedual... And replaced with World History, which will be full of little freshmen begging to annoy the shit out of me. And that's alright I guess, only I'll just end up punching them all. Knock them all out. Painlessly and quickly. Hehe.

So, I really don't know what else to talk about right now. OH Wanderer called me today, and I got to reconnect with him a little bit, which I think is important. My true friends are important to me. <3 Ok, now I'll go. I love life. ^_^

NoVacancy

So, when is the last time that I blogged? I don't know.

I am really bored, and again the only reason I'm blogging right now is because Sunshine reminded me to.

Speaking of him, we are having fun with our relationship here. :P That face is all that is needed here at this moment. Long weekends and short nights...
No nothing too serious is happening yet.

So, my mother told me earlier tonight that I could go to a party. A party in which I'd have to stay the night. This is my first actual party... And MY parents are letting me stay the night?! Wow... alright big shocker give me a chill pill here.
AND SUNSHINE WILL BE THERE. XD alright. Done now.

So, classes are going good. A lot of projects and associated homework, but that is to be expected.

Finn's parents piss me off. They take away all his things. HIS things. Oh and you know he's over 18? Yeah, wow. Alright, get a job, I love ya, GET A JOB.

Protector is so confusing. One day he hates me and "wants me to be happy with him", and the next day he loves me and "is scared he's losing me forever". -.-' uhm, yeah. You confuse the hell out of me, and none of your logic for doing so makes any sense. Just because we aren't dating doesn't mean we shouldn't be just friends. You're a cool guy and a good friend. Be one.

Bite. Ok done, really... I promise.

So, Crane is SO dramatic. She just cannot seem to make sense of anything, and she always acts like I'm retarded. No matter what we are talking about. But this is the Crane in public. At home, when no one is around, she is usually really sweet and happy. But the MOMENT we step off of that bus, she is a complete bitch to me. It's quite embarassing seeing a girl so mature when she is herself turn into a typical freshman girl drooling over every other guy that walks by.

So mother said that if I wanted to get on the depo shot then I could. Now, I don't know if I want to. She said it's cheaper than having a baby, but I really don't want to stress Eagle out. He gets stressed so easily. But, I only have to get one four times a year, and if I do get it, it doesn't mean I HAVE to have sex. Just in case I do. Or if I am sexually active. BUUUUUUT I feel like if I get too much into this topic, then I'll start telling you all about mine and Sunshine's magical expieriences.... XD So I'm going to go now before I get carried away.....

<3

BeLikeThat

Hey blog guess what? It's my birthday. :)

So today I got a new iPod. It's one of those cool little nanos with a touch screen. It's so adorable. Sunshine got me some fishies, the idiot one already died though, he was an idiot. Oh well.
I also bought myself new headphones. They are sweet. Uhmmmmm I got to skip school today because I can. Sunshine skipped school too. My mom and I picked him up around 2 and he stayed until like 8. It made me happy. He's so amazing :) HE MADE ME BROWNIES <3
Ok, random freak out about Sunshine... done.

I really don't have a lot to say here.... I ate so much today. I've probably gained 10 pounds today alone.

I don't know what to do here. Hmm... I think I'll just... go. :)

FixYou

Oh I really should keep up with this more. If it weren't for Sunshine telling me to update it, I probably would have forgotten all about it.

Well, today I met Sunshine's brother. That was fun. He's really cool, he's real and I really admire that. Some people seem fake, covered up.

As the winter season approaches, I feel like I'm changing. I don't know exactly how, but I feel like I'm changing. And it's kind of scary, honestly.

So I hate it when people think I must be like everyone else. I'm not just some girl, I'm not just another person. I hate it when people treat me like I am. And I hate it when I see other people treating others like that. It makes me want to do something, but I don't know what.

So Turtle is still antagonizing these innocent girls. I asked Finn the other night, if he could kill someone and not be in trouble for it, would he. He said no, and I said no too. But I've been thinking. And I do have to say I probably would kill someone. I'd kill Daiquiri and Turtle, probably without hesitation or second thought. She ruined my life, and there is no other way to stop Turtle without making his life miserable, so why not end it altogether?

I need to stop feeling empty and alone. Because I'm not at all. Wanderer keeps.... wandering. Protector keeps... changing. Dolphin keeps... abandoning me. But hey right now it seems like all I have is Sunshine, and that's ok, I don't mind. But I'm not going to depend on another human being for happiness. Well I'll really try not to.

So, if someone wanted to destroy me, how would they go about doing that? I was just wondering, and I want some answers. I don't know who would be cruel enough to destroy me, but I want to know how they'd do it. I mean, knowing myself so well, I have a few ideas on how one could destroy me, but all of them involve knowing me fairly well. I know that if I were to destroy someone and I had to get to know them very well, I would become attached to them and not be able to do it.



The crisp morning air was just settling in the dark of 4AM. The mountains glittered in the moonlight with snow. Everything was still, holding it's breath. Trees resisted to shiver. I opened the front door to the napping house quietly, slowly, as not to wake anything. Including myself. My wavy hair pulled away from the wind's cold, soft whispers. The streetlamps gave the street halos of light. In the silent sound, there was no one but me. I rested my hand on the wall outside for support, and shut the door, quietly, slowly. The stars twinkled their delight, greeting me. I smiled back at them. My bare toes brushed the perfect, newborn snow. Yes, it was cold. Freezing. But I loved it. I let my feet drag as I walked effortlessly into the bare yard. I shut my eyes and my eyelashes brushed my smiling cheekbones. I let my knees fall into the sparkling snow. It embraced me and made me whole. I kept smiling, knowing none of this was real. I dropped my hands into the cold and splashed it onto my face. I breathed in deep and looked back to the stars for encouragement. They twinkled again in laughter. An orange yellow light creeped over the mountains' bases and tickled the dead fields of wheat. I curled my whole body into the freezing liquid-solid perfection. The trees above me began to shiver, knowing it was time to wake up. The stars shone a final goodbye. The ground fell in on itself, hiding from this strange light that signaled day. It was time to wake up, but I didn't want to.

Well, I just wrote that right now, I don't know what it was, but... yeah. :P Bye!

HeySoulSister

So, to start off this post, I'll tell you what has happened the past few days in a short little segment. Ok?
So... was it Friday or Saturday that I went to Sunshine's with Kelley? I don't know. But it was fun, we watched The Breakfast Club. I took some.... stuff, and it made me act strange. It was the first time I took it so, yeah. Then on... Sunday, he came over here and we ended up going to the park, playing frisbee, until the dark of night fell. We played tag for probably about two minutes, until I was "too exhausted" and flopped down onto the grass of the field. Crane, of course was prancing around like a gazelle, as Sunshine called her. Maybe I should change her name to Gazelle? Nah, I like crane better, it's more... white. XD Then a few of Crane's "boys" showed up. Well, only one of them was her boy, but the rest were his friends. They were assholes. That is all I will say about them. And I got a weird vibe. The same vibe I got that one night when they were.... Anyway, Sunshine and I ended up laying in the grass for a while. I love his touch, the touch of his skin, every part about him, feels amazing. Calm, gentle, happy. Then we went back to my house. We went upstairs to our room and Crane was on skype with Rain, convincing herself that she hated herself while Sunshine and I made out on my bed. He laughed gently whenever he heard her say she hated herself. I could smile... be happy. Relaxed, and not feel guilty about it for once in my life. We'd lay there, our heavy breathing taking up the surrounding air, our lips touching ever so gently. He's so gentle and sweet. I whispered "I love you" and he smiled. He breathed, "I love you too." God, he just makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. I love it.

Now, I'm going to say I'm sorry for that last post...I was in a terrible mood and I had to go off at something, somebody, about anything. Now, I'm apologizing, not saying that anything in there was uncalled for. Because I still stand, it's all true.

I told Snowflake something tonight, I think it's a great lesson. Especially for her. I miss her so much. This is what I said... well parts of it, tweaked here and there just cause.

Don't worry about people and what they think of you. you aren't what they think, and you shouldn't give a shit about the lies they tell themselves to make them feel better.
you're beautiful and perfect, if they don't see that, fuck them. those kinds of people don't deserve you, and the ones that push past everyone else's lies and selfish pride are the ones who are worth it in the end.
every day, my mind rewinds to the little tiny moments and the long days where time was at our disposal, but it was running out. i wish i could go back in time... just re-live just one of those moments, once. it's just... you never know what you have until it's gone. i never wanted things to fall apart, and for a while i honestly thought they really were falling apart. but now i finally see things are just rebuilding, healing, fixing. they aren't falling apart at all.

Point is, in the end, all there is, is you. No one else should have the authority to make you feel a certain way, and if you do let them, they better be pretty damn special, and it better feel good. Not just feel good now, but feel good for a long, long time. Only let those people invade your life that are worth it. Feel your feelings, let them show. Cry, be angry, scream, JUST FEEL IT. Know what it feels like! "A man has a weakness, he's flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate... Something's gotta stop the flow."
You aren't GOD for fuck's sake. You make mistakes, and people around you make mistakes! Accept it, stop the flow, MOVE ON. But please, please, feel it. If you ever learn one thing from me, feel it. Don't hide behind covers and curtains of WHATEVER. People become destroyed by their own attempts to heal things that they refuse to feel. If you want something to heal, feel it first.
People happen upon a mishap in their life, instead of feeling it, they become numb. Using substances, becoming fake, surrounding themselves with anything to numb the pain. Truth is, they are going to have to stop doing whatever they are doing to "numb" the pain sooner or later. Does it really help in the end? All that numbing, holding off on the pain, does it REALLY feel better? FEEL IT. Feel the pain, please.

Ok, random rant is over, and I'm going to stop writing now before I get carried away with another topic.




By the way I watched this movie called Ink. It's from 2009, look it up, watch it. It's truely amazing.

Exposure...

This blog is going to expose some people. For what they are. Honestly and truely. Some of it IS my opinion, and what I think of them. But it's still true, nonetheless. No lies, no cover-ups. I just feel like I need to tell somebody.

So, let's start out looking at California.
Now, I love her. I really do. But she's self-centered. She's a liar. She is an air-head. She needs to bathe more often, which probably isn't her fault, so I won't put too much blame of that on her. She can't really shut up, she's embarrassing to be around in my Creative Writing Class sometimes. God I'm going to regret writing this I know it. All of this. I'm going to regret it. But they won't know about it anyway.

Next, let's move right along to Bird.
He is a player. He's a man whore. He says these intimate things to girls to win their hearts over, therefore winning their bodies over. He's such an asshole. He says the same thing to every girl. "I love you for more than just your looks, babe." Girl says, "Like what?" He says, "Everything else..." He DOESN'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE AND HE WILL NEVER CARE. Ok?

Let's look at Magic.
He's very self-centred and I think he's a lot like Bird, only Magic has a bit more character and substance to him. But only a little bit. The way he treats California is retarded and I personally wouldn't deal with him for one second if I were her. He keeps telling her he's going to come here and visit her. He's been telling her this for the past year now, and what does he do the SECOND he has a sufficient amount of money saved up? HE BUYS A LAPTOP. Now, California, how much does he REALLY care about you?

Crane.
She's self-centered, again. She rarely controls what comes out of her mouth. She has no idea what she's doing at all. She's bossy and controlling, she's forceful and has a short fuse. She's a hypocrite and she's extremely vain. She'd rather stare at herself in the mirror any day rather than lay back and look at the stars.

Protector.
I'm stuck on the old him, I know. But he's such an asshole now. He either sees it, and doesn't give a shit, or doesn't see it and still doesn't give a shit. It just seems like I try to care so much about him, how he's doing, what he's been up to, how his family is, how his life is going. BUT ALL I GET IS SHIT BACK. He doesn't care about me, or any other girl for that matter. I was his "FIRST LOVE" WHATEVER. I wasn't. I'm pretty sure he's said this before to many many other girls, and if he hasn't, did he really mean it when he said it? I don't know anymore. I have to live with lies and broken promises with him and I'm so sick of it all. I just want the old him back. But he's told me the old him is no more and he won't come back. I'm lost and I can't blame it all on him, because he definately wouldn't be like this if it weren't for THEM. But it makes no difference, it's still his choice, his words, his actions. If everyone takes everything away from you, you can always keep one thing, your WORD. Stop lying, stop cheating, get a life, USE YOUR BRAIN. Go to school, get a job, get a REAL girl who actually cares about you and doesn't treat your relationship like an ITEM. We both know you're more than that. Be smart.



Now, I know I'm being Miss Negative in this one, but you must understand, there are things I have to get off my chest.




Turtle.
"I'll love you forever." "I wouldn't use you." WHATEVER, ok? You HATE me, you completely used me and left me, and the only reason you ever talk to me anymore is to bitch at me about something I did over SEVEN MONTHS AGO. Get over yourself, you aren't that great. You keep using and antagonizing these innocent girls. Girls that know nothing about you. They think you're everything, you know that. Then you just fuck them and leave them. You always get onto my case about "being heartless", take a look in the mirror buddy, I think you should look at who you are before you start telling me who I am.

Wanderer
Stop being such a stupid head. You aren't really that lost, stop getting involved in everyone's drama that you really shouldn't be involved in. Try to mind your own business and stay in control of your life for a while. Oh, and stop the cutting. It's so annoying and pointless. It doesn't get you ANYWHERE. "Relieve Stress" MY ASS. Did it really "relieve stress"? NO. NO NO NO. So stop.




Ok, now I want to say thank you to all of these people that care. And listen. And don't give up.





Finn
Ok, you're amazing. You've been through so much shit with me, and you still are my best friend. You know me inside and out. You know when I say something it says something else really. You can pick me apart and put me together again. And when you can't, you help me find the pieces. Thank you so much, I miss you and I love you. You're a great brother, you really are. Thanks for always being there.

Snowflake
Oh my gosh, I miss you so much, and I really love it how you try to help me and make me feel better even when your life is shit. You have a huge heart and you're absolutely gorgeous, you deserve everything you could ever want in life. Thank you so much for always sticking by my side all this time. How long has it been? Four years or something crazy? Love you.

Swan
You're my mother, of course I have to thank you. You honestly are a great example of how to screw up, but you are a good example of how to get back on track. I love how open our relationship is and how I can tell you ANYTHING. It means so much.

Sunshine
I know you haven't been here for me as long as the others have, but you're still amazing. You're totally cool with most everything, you don't judge people, and you're so funny. You just brighten up my day and my mood whenever you're around. You're incredibly sweet to me and you actually listen. You're good at telling who people are, and I'm glad, because I think you'd be completely lost with me... I don't know if you are right now.... But... Yeah. Point is, you're there for me, and we have a great relationship. You're like my best friend, only I'm in love with you. My mother always said this was the sign of a great relationship. And I love it. So thanks for being so good to me.

Wanderer
I know I just gave you shit up there, but you are still there for me. You're kind of like Finn about how you can pick me apart and put me together again. You know me inside and out. It takes a lot of patience to be able to do that. You do leave me randomly, but it's just who you are and I forgive you. But again, thanks for helping me through a lot of my hard times and understanding me even when you didn't want to.

So, I think that's all I'm going to put today. I'm definately sure to hurt some feelings here and there. But I honestly don't give a shit. :)

Love you, til next time LadyWar.

JustBecause

When's the last time I posted on this thing? It seems like it's been a while. I don't know, really. I'm losing my mind....

Well, it's Wanderer's birthday in two days, and I haven't gotten him anything, partially because I don't know what to get him, and partially because I don't have any money.

School is.... boring, as always. Classes are easy.... as always. It seems like I'm running out of things to occupy my space with sometimes.

My chemistry teacher has these two fish, they are big, and I love them. But I got rather upset when my teacher decided that the best food for them was LIVE goldfish. You know how much I love goldfish, and I just.... I mean there started out with 70 of them on thursday or friday, now there are only 1 left. It's sad.

Saturday, Sunshine came over to my house for like, seven hours. It was amazing. I love him. We babysat the little ones while Crane went off and watched a movie at the theatre with her friends. I've honestly noticed he's been getting really sweet towards me. Like, gentle and stuff. And I like that, I don't think I could handle it differently haha.
But we had a good time, and I'm glad he is over his little sickness he had for a bit there.

Last night, I was walking around and I saw four baby kittens. Just sitting there in a yard. Smaller than our baby kitty. Which worried me, babies shouldn't be left outside to fend for themselves in October in this place.

I miss everyone from Home. I really do. And I wish I could do more to help them with their problems, but I can't. They'll be alright though. I think that is all I have to say today, SEE YYAAAAAA.

RemeberWhen..?

Just a few quotes and words that just randomly came to mind. These are said, or remind me of or by people I know.

"I love...not you!"

Colors

Fancy hair

Beautiful

Trust

Precious

Home

Love

Nonstop

"Druggies are people too."

"Filthy slut. You don't love him."

"I'll show you what abandonment is like."

Smile

Vampire

Summer


Oh gosh I'm so bored, can you tell? I went to that concert I've been reminding you about last night. It was really fun. We got there and met a few other guys, they were cool...
We stood in almost the same spot as I did last time I went there. I felt moderately bad for keeping them away from the group of people jumpin and goin crazy. But Sunshine promised he'd keep me safe, and he did. After Story of the Year played, we went out and saw them in their tour bus, it was really cool, I found myself with my jaw dropped to the floor, which I tried to pick up, but dropped again.
After that, we went back to the concert while Sunshine's mom and her friend went off to hang out with the band. We got to see some Flyleaf, which made me happy. She gave a speech and it just about made me cry. I would have if Sunshine wasn't there.
When it was time to go, we got a ride from his brother. He is so funny, I couldn't stop laughing.

You know, for once since I've lived here I feel like I have a life. Like an actual life. I have friends and places to go, and things to do. It makes me feel happy. I also feel like this place could actually be my home. Could. But it isn't yet. I don't know what needs to happen in order for me to feel that way, but it isn't quite there yet.

I'm going through one of my Homesick phases again. Maybe because I'm cutting ties with people I care about up there, or people that have moved away from there to other places. I miss them all, and I miss the mountains and the snow. Even though I can barely stand the "freezing" weather here. It was only, like, 50 degrees this morning and I just about died in my shorts and sweater.

Alright, now I feel like I'm rambling, I'll post again maybe tomorrow, maybe not. If I don't.... I'm sorry? ;) Alright, bye!

KidsInLove

I've had a relatively good week so far. My baby fishies died... Drake and Strawberry. I already miss them so much. I've had them for about two and a half years. Typical life span for goldfish, i guess.

Last night was quite amazing. Again, I'll have to tell you more about it when it doesn't mean so much to me anymore. People who are sensitive still read this, I guess. Which disappoints me. You shouldn't get upset with me because of something I say on here. It's my blog, it's my life, if you think you might read something that you don't like, then don't read it at all. Censor yourself, because I just now decided I won't do it for you.

Well I'll just tell you what happened last night.

I went to Sunshine's house, we watched a terrible movie. It just sucked. We ended up changing it to a funnier, much better movie. Which we barely watched anyway. We kept getting distracted by the computer, and cookies... stuff like that. I do believe he sprayed me with cooking oil once or twice, and I thought that was hilarious.... Part of me wanted to completely attack him and shove him against a wall, and the other part of me wanted to just be gentle. I couldn't decide so I didn't do anything. His mother made the most wonderful dinner. I enjoyed it very much. I felt like I was slow though, because I was the last one to finish my dinner. His little brother is so cute! He looks a lot like Pigeon, only of course, he's older, and everyone in that family seems to have the same teeth. Odd. But after all of this, we went outside to wait for my parents to get there. We sat on the curb and tried to find and pick out stars. We only could see three, not as beautiful as another night, but we sat there for quite a while, listening for cars and stuff.
Then we kissed.
That is all I will say about that.
It was amazing.
Ok I'll be quiet now. But really, wow.

I have my concert I'm going to on Sunday, tomorrow. I'm very excited, but I'm still a little bit scared.

So, right now, a little bit of me is feeling like I'm getting back at a few people right now. People that I don't necessarily WANT to get back at, but I wouldn't do it otherwise. Honestly, it feels nice.

So, I think I love him. But I won't tell him. I'm NOT going to rush this one. I've learned from that. He'll tell me. Not the other way around. But.... oh well I'll just stop now. I love him, that is all.

SaltwaterRoom

I haven't really been doing anything too interesting the past few days. Things are going slow, which I like in some ways. In other ways, it's just getting annoying.

People I love and care about are hurting, and it stresses me out... kind of. But I love listening and I want to help, I really do. But sometimes, I just CAN'T.

Other people have decided to go out of my life. But I know that he won't ever be gone fully. Honestly, I don't know why that happens, but neither of us can stop from somehow being a little bit involved in eachother's lives. Odd.

I really don't have a lot to say today. I drew a rather gruesome picture for my English class. A vengeful angel with a bloody sword and a city on fire with bloodied bodies everywhere... is that good, teacher??? :P

I am so excited for this weekend. Starting Friday. It'll be fun. Friday I have a football game I'm going to, which is the two rival schools... so it should be interesting. I have a concert to go to on Sunday, with Sunshine. I'm a little scared, I can't remember if I told you this or not. But I keep making him promise he'll keep me safe. Yeah, I'm that scared.

Sleepyhead

So, so, so much has happened lately, I'm so sorry I haven't been able to keep up on here. I feel terrible for that. So this might be short, or quite long. Depends on what all I decide to say.

There have been people that read things on here, take them totally literally, and end up yelling at me for something I have merely expressed in writing. Not everything I say on here is all aimed at you, or whatever. Now that that's over...

School's going good. There's drama with Turtle, but what do I honestly expect from him? Tons and tons and tons of drama. Do you have a problem with Sunshine? Is that it? UGH, he needs to either be my friend, or leave me alone, I'm honestly sick of it all.

So lots happened last weekend, I think it was? Yes, well, I went to a movie with Crane, her boyfriend, Crane's best friend, her boyfriend, and Sunshine went with me. We saw The Last Exorcism. I was scared the whole time, and I just about broke Sunshine's hand at the last part. I still feel bad about that. Other stuff happened, but I am going to decide to not go into that now, I'll post it later, when it doesn't mean so much, or get me so worked up or whatever.
Then this weekend, Sunshine and I went with Crane and Swan to a place called Link Coworking, to help build furniture and stuff. It's going to be a new business, so we were helping out. All we ended up really doing though is hauling trash a freaking fourth of a mile back and fourth from the building.
When we were done with that, we went back to our house and watched a movie. Sunshine is so gentle and smooth in his movements and everything he does... ok I'm sorry, I'll stop with that...

So I find myself missing everyone lately. I really miss Finn, especially. And Snowflake. Stupid things start reminding me of them. Like Sunshine's friend... I'm either really stupid and haven't noticed that she looks like Snowflake and acts like her, or I'm convincing myself that she's her so that I'm not so Homesick....

Anyway, I think that's all I'm going to put here today. I'll type up a copy of my Creative Writing
Journal sometime maybe. Again, when it doesn't mean so much to me or make me feel whatever.

LOVES!!!

ToTheMoonAndBack,Babe

So, school's going good... well great actually. I never thought I would say that ever. But I'm saying it now.

I just got back from a football game. The stadiums are full on our side, which makes the opposing team's supporters look... well... tiny.
Our band is peppy, everyone in the stands goes all out with their body paint and headbands. There were cowbells and trash cans...
Then there was him.
He's like a great big sunshiny energy source. I'll just call him Sunshine.
He is the one who invited me to hang out with him at the game in the first place. He's so sweet and friendly. He's incredibly happy and he's always telling me to be happy and to put a smile on my face.
He's so funny, he made me laugh until I cried. Which is a big deal for me lately. I used to do that all the time when I was Home. But I haven't in about six months here.
Anyway, the people that Sunshine originally came with were photographers. So they were all on the football field.
I had him to myself for so long. Occasionally my little sophomore friend Pony would interrupt us, but for the most part I had Sunshine to myself. Wow. He's so incredibly sweet. His life honestly should suck, everything that has happened to him. But he just pushes past it and is the most positive person ever. It's amazing. Oh and he touched my hands... several times. It felt amazing. Like he was supposed to do it.

I got a new baby kitten. He's so tiny and he's a little white Siamese. So he has these huge blue eyes. He is my baby. I tell people that I am such a mommy. I'm not kidding when I say that. I really am just a mommy to any little thing that needs me.

Finn's been a bit strange lately. I don't know exactly how to explain it. He's just... odd. But hey, he's my bud, so I gotta deal.

I find myself pathetically missing Protector. I miss him so much, I really do. I love him, I really do. I feel like I need him. Gosh, I don't know what to do.

Well, Bird's finally talking to me again, which makes me happy.

Uhm... I think that's all I have to say for now. Goodnight! ^_^

TrippedAndFellInPortland

So, I realize I have not been exactly open as I should be to you. And I am sorry for that. I can't say I'm happy school is back or that I am sad, but I'm pretty sure I've been over this.
Sometimes I don't understand why I can't just CONTROL MYSELF. Why can't I just be happy with one guy these days...? Is this what happens to a broken heart??? (cough cough.. Bird...)

Dolphin and I are very close, since Wanderer and Protector seem to have pretty much abandoned me. I have a feeling Dolphin won't abandon me. At least I hope he won't. He says he won't. I just want to be loved for ME. I want an honest, clean, pure relationship. I don't want past secrets and heartbreaks to haunt our present conditions. I just want a clean slate. Someone I can trust to not hurt me like the others have.
I know what they all say: I won't do it again, I promise you. I wouldn't do that to you again.
But I've been lied to so many times by so many people who I swore wouldn't lie to me, I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Can you tell I'm lost?

I did something very.... evil (?) last night....
Well not really. They agreed to do it. I won't go into too many details, but I must say I was quite surprised they did it and I honestly don't think I'll look at either of them the same ever again....
;)

So I watched a movie, called CityIsland. It was a good movie. It has kind of a slow start, but it sped up very quickly. It's one of those movies that have little things throughout the movie that connect together. Small things, but they all turn into a huge deal. Make sense?

I'm reading a book called The Art of Racing in the Rain. It's a wonderful book about a dog and his master, told from the dog's point of view. It says something on the cover along the lines of the dog teaching humanity how to behave. It's really a great book, and I'm only on page 50.

Jazzy, one of my ex's and Dolphin's friend, was showing me odd videos on youtube the other day. I got rather addicted to them and I spent about two hours purely watching them. Here were a few of my favourites though.

(DISCLAIMER: If you get grossed out easily, are mentally insane, have some kind of fear of creepy, or weird things, please don't watch these. I'm serious.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23YI1bWAuMY&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idCFV0KF4uo&feature=PlayList&p=25D6E312FB66428C&index=0&playnext=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPSRVbTcLwE&p=25D6E312FB66428C&index=6

Ok, this last one is my absolute favourite, it has been for a while. It's not one that Dolphin or Jazzy showed me. I've known of this one for a while now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjBDfZZQz54

CreativeWriting

So, I wrote a few short kind of story things in Creative Writing today and I'll put them on here. I don't think they are that wonderful, but I'll put them on here anyway.

On the other side of that door, there was no familiarity. "The first day is always the hardest", my mother told me before I left. I was venturing into some place so new and it was definitely not what I was used to at all. The people could be like animals, staring me down like I'm their next meal. They could be completely close-minded and they'd never WANT to understand. "Come on, it's high school. You're a sophomore." What if nobody even cared or noticed me? Maybe I should try to blend in.

Ok, I stopped that one there, because...well... we had fifteen minutes to write something based on a prompt and I wasn't' really feeling it with this one. So I quickly chose another prompt and wrote a small bit on that. Here it is.

The rumble of the moving truck rang in my ears. My feet were dragging on the ground. I didn't want to leave. The last time I saw him, he was happy and smiling. Now, he was trying to smile, but I could see the tears blurring his eyes. He was one of my best friends. I could tell him anything, except for right now. I was terrified and mentally lost, but I wasn't about to let that show. In the distance, I could hear my parents calling me to go, I could hear my sister's sobbing. But all of that needed to go away. I couldn't leave him here alone like this. I tried to smile as we said goodbye, but the tears couldn't stop. I had to go. I had to leave everything that I ever knew to be home. Abandon every single thing that ever mattered to me for a place I knew nothing about. Leave for a place that didn't know me.

Alright, that one was rather short, and a bit lame. I wish I had been able to incorporate a lot more than just that. I mean that was a big moment for me, but so was saying goodbye to Snowflake and I wish I could've had that in there too. This next one is a bit confusing and I think it's depressing. Here goes.

Max was Brendon's best friend. That is, before Brendon became what he'd call "popular". High-school-popular: Famous, who all the girls want, the one who never misses a party. The one who made Max a nobody. He was the one who ate lunch alone, the one who hasn't had his first kiss, the one who never would.
Brendon was perfect: star football player, good grades, the whole nine yards. When he became popular, Max just kind of slipped out of his life. Brendon didn't even seem to notice.
Max would ask himself constantly if he was worth it, if he had any purpose in his life at all.
Two years passed and as Brendon's life grew better, Max's life continued to spiral down. Nobody noticed though. Max was a good student. Quiet, but he made good grades. Sure he had a few friends, but even then he didn't really have anyone to trust and who could understand him quite like Brendon used to.
Soon enough, the cuts got deeper. When the blood poured out, it seemed like the problems were leaving him. Deeper and deeper they got.
Quickly enough, Max disappeared forever. And didn't Brendon notice? Did he care? Did he ever stop he glorious life to ask whatever happened to that boy who ate lunch alone, that boy who was a nobody? Did he know the last thing that boy felt was loneliness, the last thing he said was "Wait," the last thing he saw was blackness?
Now, that boy's mother cries herself to sleep alone every night, wondering why nobody saw this coming, not even her.

Aaaaaalright, how's that for an ending note? Sometimes my own writing teaches even MYSELF a lesson or two. I hope you can take something from it. Sorry it's so depressing though.... :(

I love you :)

Why did I just say that? Uhhhhhhhmmmmmmm oooooook...... enough said here.

You'reWayTooYoungToBeBroken

So, school starts tomorrow. I'll be a junior. I'm excited in a few ways, and not excited in a few ways as well.
I'm excited because I'll be in the oldest class. I'm an actual upperclassman this year. :) I'm also excited for the classes. Most of them, minus Algebra 2 and Chemistry seem easy and fun. I might switch out of choir to Creative Writing. I'm not a very good singer, especially when I get nervous, and it's no fun lipsyching all the time.....

Protector has returned, which makes me incredibly happy. Wanderer has also returned which just adds to the happiness :)

I drove all the way to the store today on a highway... That was amazing haha. I screwed up on the turn into our subdivision though, and I scared Swan half to death.

I probably won't sleep at all tonight, which is odd. I've been in highschool two years, it's nothing to be so nervous about. I was just telling Finn how he can't be nervous.... and he's going into college. I'm just trying to make it easier for him, I guess.

I find myself missing everyone that makes up my Home more and more. It kind of sucks.

There are cuts on my shins from when I was sleeping. At first I did think that they were from my "suicidal unconsious mind", but I soon found out that my legs were itching while I was sleeping and I itched them with a metal thing from the computer. They are extremely painful, and even more embarassing. How am I going to explain that to everyone at school? Arrive my first day and LIE to everyone? No, I won't lie.... I don't know. I'll just say, "DON'T YOU DARE ASK ME AGAIN OR I'LL DO IT TO YOUR FACE!!!!!" hahahahaha wow.

Alright that's all for now :)

IMissYou

There are so many people I miss. Even if they weren't too big of an impact on my life at the moment, they are now, and I realize what they all did for me. I miss Dolphin, Wanderer, Protector, Snowflake, EVERYONE. Even those people who I may not have ever mentioned in here, I miss them all so much. Even some of those people who I never once spoke one word to, I miss them too.

Do you ever feel like something is so annoying? Something you cannot stand? But you cannot get rid of that something? Why do people keep going back to the same thing that brought them down again? Why do they help those who want to pull you down?

Sometimes, I just get so discouraged. I begin to doubt the point in a lot of people. Dolphin, though, with all he's going through, he still wants to help. He insists to me that I cannot control how I feel and that the future holds many mysterious happenings. Things that we don't think can happen, really can. And probably will.

Protector and I talked on the phone for almost an hour and a half. Half of the time we really didn't have much to say, but to just know that he was there, and he is alive made it all worth it. We could be on the phone for hours and not say a word, but I'd still love every minute of it. He's so funny, he made me laugh several times, I'm not sure if he meant to, but he did. :)
He is going to be gone until Sunday, and I'm counting down the minutes until he returns.

"Your smile is amazing." "Your eyes are as deep as the ocean." "Your hair is so beautiful."

People could say all of this stuff, and I couldn't believe them for a million years. But I mean, EVERYONE starts saying this stuff about how beautiful I am. I don't really believe it, but I kind of feel like if so many people are saying it, either its a little true, or there is seriously some kind of defect that is spreading like wildfire to people's eyes.

Tomorrow is the last day of driver's ed. I will honestly miss it, I made a few friends there, and....yeah.

There is more and more drama with the people in Home. And of course, it all has to be spread about unevenly to Wanderer and I. It's not fair for him, he deals with everyone's shit anyway. They have no right to point fingers at him constantly.

I wish my friends would actually call me before they decide to do something stupid. Or when they are sad. I care about them and I want them to have the best life they can. Plenty of peoples' mistakes could have been prevented and stopped if they just gave me a call, I mean if nothing else I can just be a listening ear. Sometimes people just need someone to listen and understand and trust. I'm here.

I was told a secret a long while ago by Dolphin. I was the first person he told, and I'm glad for that. I'm afraid if he told someone else, they wouldn't have kept his secret, or they would have gotten mad at him. My job is to accept and help, not ridicule. Besides, he doesn't deserve it, he is really sweet to me and I have always appreciated him, even in those awkward moments freshman year. You know, occasionally, we STILL have those awkward moments. It makes me laugh.

Snowflake worries me sometimes. I mean I am sure she feels the same for me sometimes, but it's crazy, I almost constantly worry about her. Her life seems tough right now and I swear if I could I'd get her out of it all in a heartbeat. If I could just tell her what I see, what is so oblivious to her at times, then I really would. She deserves all she could ever want in life. She's amazing and incredibly beautiful. She's so smart and sweet and understanding. She is hilarious and incredibly compassionate and deep. She's so much more than what these people take her for. She will never ever be replaced and I hope and pray that someday we'll be close again, she's one of the strongest, wisest people I know. Crazy right?

So there's been this song stuck in my head for DAYS. Almost a week now. It's called "If It Means A Lot To You" by A Day To Remember. Dolphin got me hooked on this band, and so now, I'm a bit obsessed, like I was with Bird's band, Breathe Carolina.

I'm going to nap, then perhaps I'll go to the mall and get my toes done. I don't like people touching my feet unless they are a boyfriend. HAHA I told Crane that and she told me to close my eyes and imagine it's my boyfriend. I told her I'd probably weird out everyone in the salon........ yeah.... HAHA. I was kidding of course, but she took it literally for a moment and was scarred. :P I'm so nice.

YouGaveMeButterfliesAtTheMailbox

There's only a few things I'd like to say today.

Driving is in some ways more complicated and in others less complicated than I originally thought.
The weather, it's insane. It's 110 out today. That's crazy.
Protector and I, well, I thought that maybe we were getting somewhere. But now, I'm not so sure. It makes me so freaking depressed to know that he doesn't know how much I love him.
Breaking my heart wasn't enough, it seems.
Last night I had a break down. Typical for relapses. And as if THAT wasn't enough, Crane began telling me how stupid, and terribly mean I was to her and everyone else. I was in so much physical pain, and her telling me that WHILE that was happening was just terrible.

Finn is helping me through this, in a way. He tries, he really does and I appreciate it tremendously. He's the only one that supports me with this, even when he feels like it's wrong or bad for me, he supports me anyway. He wants me happy, but I want him to know that there will be a lot of pain involved in this. I really want Protector back. Forever, maybe. I don't know really. I don't know anything, maybe I am as stupid as Crane says.

Sometimes people can be SO incredibly stupid. And they do things I don't understand, I call them stupid. But I keep doing this over and over. It's not stupid. It's painful, yes. But I want it to work. People may say, "oh that's stupid. why does she keep doing that?". But I have my reasons, I am not exactly sure what those reasons are, but they are there.

What is trust? What is love? Why are these so important that they go hand in hand? But they do, and in order to love, you must trust.

Have you ever felt like something was going to hurt you, it was GOING to. But you can't stop? Like drugs, or alcohol. Addictions, is what I'm talking about.

I'm so confused and everything...




D-I-N-O-S-A U R A DINOSAUR. an O-L-D M-A-N you're just an OLD man, hittin on me what? you need a cat scan!!!! hey dinosaur, baby you're prehistoric. a dinosaur, that's what you are. hey carnivore, you want my meat i know it, a dinosaur, that's what you are. XD XD aaaallllright that was random.

Beautiful

It seems like I'm going in two directions with my emotions and my life.

One direction is down, into depression. Protector, of course. It brings me down, it seems like everything reminds me of him. The real him. I miss him so much with every passing minute.
With this direction I feel myself getting more and more tired. Worn out. Not focused. Antisocial, even with my family. The only time I really come downstairs is to eat or go on my nightly walk. It sucks.
The other direction is forward. I'm learning new things about life. I'm meeting people that are so positive and outgoing, I just cannot match them. My life is moving, whether I want it to or not. Every day feels dull and just like the last one. But no matter what the days are like, they still pass. Time still goes. I'm still dying. We all are. Nothing lasts forever.

Am I being too depressing in this post? I'm sorry, it's just how I feel. Only a few people talked to me today. And not the ones that really matter, besides Kenai and my old friend Dolphin. I feel so alone. Wanderer didn't even talk to me today.

IHaveADreamToo

For once in my life, I feel like I have a good idea, a realistic idea of what I'm going to do with my life. Then, of course, things have to bombard in on me and make my plans freak out and swim upsidedown in circles.

I'm lost, I'm confused. My tummy is starting to hurt and I just don't want to figure anything out anymore.

I'll try not to be such a negative girl though.
Things with Protector and I seemed to be getting fixed. But now, I don't know. I might not ever hear from him again and I don't think I can handle that. See now I'm being negative again.
I don't know what else to do though! I just wish it was easy. Love should be easy. And it was for a while. But now things are complicated. When substance abuse and life's dreams come into play, it just seems like he can't handle it. And I really really wish it would work. I love him so much.

I'm just lost, I guess.
I'll just listen to my Blue October to calm me. Make me sane again. Time heals all wounds... until they are re opened.

Pieces

Ya know, there are certain songs that remind me of certain people. Like how that song The Birds And The Bees by Breathe Carolina reminds me of Justin Timberlake every time I listen to it...?
Or how whenever I listen to The Gift by Angels & Airwaves I think of Snowflake?
Or whenever I hear the song Sleep by My Chemical Romance I almost want to cry because it reminds me of Protector.
Pieces by Red reminds me of Finn.
Follow Me by Uncle Kracker reminds me of Wanderer.
I could go on and on with these, but I won't.

It seems like things with Protector are more or less fixed...ish. I don't know. I'm still completely lost as to what I should do. I love him, but... I don't know. Maybe... Just... I don't know.

I occupy my days with driver's ed, naps, movies, and flash games online. It seems like a pretty boring existence right? I mean half the day I'm debating whether or not to call people and actually find something, anything to do. But, problem is, everyone I talk to doesn't live here. It kind of sucks...Ok it really sucks. But oh well, maybe I'll just... go out tonight and play Frisbee or something. I'm not sure.

Do you notice that I'm not really sure about anything? I just noticed that and it's starting to bug me. "Oh should I do this? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know..." "Oh should I give this person a call and talk? Uhmmm maybe.. I don't know...". SERIOUSLY I NEED TO MAKE UP MY FREAKING MIND.

IsThisReallyHappening?

Now is one of those times I just want to give up on life. If you ask, yes, I'm going through a relapse. Roads of fuuuun ahead. Protector and I got into a fight and he isn't thinking right. He isn't using his head, or listening to his heart. I know that heart of his. It's bright and understanding. Complete and pure. Apparently, not anymore. That's how he's acting. I really am hoping that he'll realize.

Ok, I hope I'm not being too obsessive or whatnot. Oh well. It'll be alright...maybe.

Sorry this post is so empty. Kinda don't have a whole lot to say. I'm sorry.

HeyHeyYouYou

So a few days ago I went to float the river. The Colorado River. It flows pretty slowly and smoothly. I wore a bikini, and my tummy got rather sun burnt. I keep itching at it because it's peeling and it hurts so bad.

I'm starting to talk to Wanderer more and more lately. It's really quite entertaining.
Protector and I seem to be drifting apart, which makes me sad.

OK, so when I was at the river I wore a band around my right wrist and of course it got sunburned. So I have a white strip on my wrist. Every time I go into public I have to wear bracelets, it's really embarrassing.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say, sorry it's so short.

Until next time, LadyWar

Sorry

So, imagine something for me. Something a bit strange. Imagine you go your whole life up until now not having an idea of WHAT you were. You knew you had to be something, you just didn't know what.
You always noticed you were a bit different from others of "your kind", more mature, growing faster, whatever you want. But you're different.
Now, you finally know what you are, and it seems impossible. Nobody has ever even proposed anything like this to you before, but it makes complete sense. Only thing is, there's probably not even a thousand of you in your entire country.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been a bit busy with my life. I've had driver's ed. It's so boring, I don't know how many times I am going to say that through the next few weeks. But, I got my little green ticket to get my permit.

I met this guy, his name's Gage. He's really cool, and we share A LOT of things in common. Best part is, he goes to my school. And he's in my grade. I don't know, it's kind of nice to have a friend now. I haven't had a real friend in over a year live by me so I hope our friendship continues. But it won't progress into something more than friendship, I wouldn't agree to that.

Wanderer and I have been talking again lately. Obviously he doesn't hate me anymore. And I don't hate him. But, that doesn't mean we get along all the time.

So I was surfing the web today and I decided I'd go to a website that I see commercials for all the time on TV. Its called abovetheinfluence.com. It's really really cool and It kind of inspired me to write a poem. It had little prompty things, and I used a few of their keywords, but it's my poem and I made it up. Here it is.

I asked talk with me, too many times.
Can you hear me?
It's scary. Your denial and excuses...
You never know I'm scared.
Why do you do this?
You are my friend.
I've come to your rescue. I'm still here for you.
I love you...
Do you hear me?
Don't you care?
Do you really need it?
Your eyes told me, "I'm scared".
Talk with me.
If I ask you to stop...
Live above the pressure...
Live above the influence...
Live your life...
Will you stop?

Anyway, I had a long day, had to deal with a lot. So until next time.

TeenageDream

Today's entry will be rather short.

Happiness this morning, minus the driver's ed.

Went shopping to about five different clothes places, drove all over the city looking for these places....

Bought undies, shorts, and shirts all for under $60.

Came home, I was pissy for a while.

Snowflake made me cry, not in a bad way really. I just really miss her, and that's sinking in again.

Talked briefly to Kenai, and now I'm going to sleep. I haven't been getting a lot of it lately. Not sure why.

There's a lot of things on my mind lately, I'll talk more about them tomorrow. Until later, LadyWar.

Clone,NotCologne

Well, the past, (how long has it been,) two days have been full of drama.

Magic and California broke up... maybe I already said that. Anyway, California thinks Magic cannot be faithful. I disagree, I think he is a normal teenage guy in need of a hormonal release. That sentence made me laugh.

Bird got in trouble. I was worried, of course, but he was fine. As usual.

I had driver's education today. Interesting. I saw almost and exact copy of Protector. He's in my class. It was funny, I freaked out and almost attacked him...wow that would've been really embarassing. And sad, because it's not him. I miss him so much, and this guy going around looking like him sure doesn't help.
Eagle told Swan that I saw Protector's clone. I thought he said Protector's cologne... I was thinking how he possibly could've known what cologne he wears...

Crane's sleeping over at her friends house tonight, meaning I have the room to myself tonight. It's good, because I finally get to be away from everyone's constant requests, including Crane's. It's sad because I can't stay up too late. I have driver's ed again in the morning.
Hey, maybe I'll get some talking and catching up with my friends and Protector done :)

Am I obsessing? I think I am. Should I stop? Is this bad? Oh man, now I'm thinking too hard about too many things at once.

In other news, Wanderer is back to ignoring me again. Crane's back to being pissy. California's back to complaining constantly. Bird's not mad at me anymore. Magic is ignoring me. I'm back to straightening my hair. It feels longer that way.

Uhm.IDon'tKnowWhatToCallThis...

Fly away.
Take that weight of a thousand people off your back
Get some room to grow those wings,
To fly away.
You can leave me, you can leave the old you
Leave everything behind and fly away somewhere new
Leave the burdens, everyone, behind.
Open up those eyes,
The possibilities are endless
Believe it or not.
Grow those wings to fly.
You deserve it.


Uhmm... not exactly sure what that is... it just kind of popped into my head.

Crane and I are getting into a lot of fights lately. I'm just trying to stick up for myself and be my own person. She gets upset and angry. But I think it should work, because I'm sick of being a jerk.

Turtle is a loner. He has no real friends. Its sad. So when I try to be his friend again he accepts at first, then goes back to hating me for NOTHING. It is really starting to make me angry. Fine, if he doesn't want to have any companionship in his life whatsoever and continue to be the laughing stock of the entire high school then fine. I could fix that. People don't talk about me. I have quite a bit of people supporting me, but I wouldn't call them friends. They are really just people that care if there's something really really wrong.

Can we just fast forward a couple of years, so I can be happier? Everything will be easier. Probably not the money situation, but my social and psychological life will be better. Much better.

I told Finn earlier that after this year I was going to be a SENIOR. And a year goes by fast. A SENIOR!!!! Crazy right????

I wish people would stop pushing all their relationship crap on me. I'm not the know it all of relationships. But that's what they want me to act like. It's so annoying. Stop telling me all your little whiney issues and figure it out. I have my own relationship I would like to deal with, thank you.

NotAgain

Ok, sometimes in my life I feel like everything's going right and nothing can go wrong. Then it's like my life decides to dump a bunch of shit on me and blame it all on me.

Protector and I got into a fight the other day. It was horrible and I feel really terrible about it. I just wish I could be there and we could be together and it would all be fixed, I know it. I love him so much, I honestly can't imagine my life without him at all. Is that pathetic?

It seems that everyone just decides to pile all their problems on me along with my problems it is sometimes just too much. Yeah, I can deal, but barely.

Did I already say I feel really bad about what happened with Protector? I love him so much, I think I'm going insane.

I talked to Finn a lot last night. Sometimes he kind of serves as the person I tell everything to. And usually I don't have to worry about what he'll think. He's a pretty nonjudgmental person.

I know what it feels like to have voices in your head. Annoying, scary. Yeah, I get it.

It feels like I'm slowly losing everyone. They all say I act different. Weird. Mean. Stuck up. I don't know anymore. I'm just confused and lost. I'm glad I have someone to rant and rave to at my worst.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is screw up. I get something right for a change and then in a matter of moments it's all messed up.

I love life, I really do. But right now, it honestly doesn't seem like anything's going my way. I tried so hard to get him back. There's only so long I can wait. I won't give up, because that's not like me to just give up. I love him to death and I won't give up. I promised him and I promised myself a long time ago and even when I try to break that promise, it won't break at all.

1.GottaTakeItKindaSlowly

Today, Swan decided to sell the 60 inch TV and we went out and bought a new 42 inch. I like it. Its not so overwhelming.

Last night was interesting. Again. I stayed up until about 3 AM. Couldn't sleep. I hate it when there's no one awake to suffer with me :)

I talked to Snowflake quite a bit yesterday, at least I think it was yesterday. I think I'm losing it. All these days are blending into one, long, never ending day. So are my thoughts. They are all sort of melting into one general, mushy thought.

I just counted all the bug bites I have on my legs. Grand total of... drumroll please.... 64!!!
Swan didn't really believe me at first so I made her look at my left leg especially. Then she believed me. I don't lie. When will people understand this? Ok, fine, I lie sometimes, but I always admit to my lie quickly. I don't want to be lied to, so I don't lie.

I can't touch my legs because I put a bunch of anti-itch cream on them...and its annoying because my legs are still soft from when I shaved them.

Happy music, come on. Happy music. Thank you.

I am so sore from that Wii game. Wii Fitness with the balance board or whatever. Damn, you don't do much, but it really makes a difference. It keeps lying to me, saying I lost 8 pounds in the past three days. I haven't. I don't think I can lose any more weight. I'm in great shape. :) Ran a mile the other day, no problem.

There was a man in the store today at a sampling table. His voice was so deep and his laughter was bright and yellow. It was really cool. He was a happy guy. You could just FEEL the happy energy radiating from him. He was pretty happy with his job, apparently.

Sometimes, I have these incredibly uncomfortable headaches. Like my head is going to explode from the inside. Have I already mentioned this? It happened once in the car and it was really embarrassing. It was like I couldn't control my emotions, or my actions. I just went mad. Pigeon and I again were the only two kids in the car. Parakeet was at a friends and so was Crane. It was so embarrassing. That was about two weeks ago. I've had five or six similar experiences since then. I haven't had one though, since two days ago.

Oh did I mention I start Driving School in three days? I think...

NailPolish

I painted my nails earlier today. Black.
I never really noticed how badly Parakeet and Pigeon want to be like me. And be liked by me.
Parakeet wanted her nails painted black too, but I told her black was only for older people so she settled for orange instead. She was disappointed though.
Pigeon always wants to talk to Kenai because he thinks he's really cool. Kenai, not being the most gentle of all guys, is amazed at how sweet Pigeon is. So Kenai likes Pigeon too. They talk a lot and I think that one day Kenai will make a great dad.
Protector is getting a job at the Co-Op. I'm so proud of him.
Bird and I had a fight last night. Magic and him are really close friends, and Magic thinks I waste my time trying to get to Bird's heart. Bird apparently only likes whores and refuses to let anyone into his real romantic life at all, according to Magic. Of course, I know this isn't true. It seems like every time Bird and I get somewhere Magic calls me a moron and demands me to give up.
I refuse to give up, because I KNOW there's something more to Bird than others say there is.
Of course, this had to lead into a situation where California was involved and it just got all tangly and messy. Magic was just trying to help. California broke up with him because Magic kept begging sexual enslavement with me and I refused, making a joke that if I wasn't happy then Magic would have to be my slave. I thought he knew I was joking. Because, really, I wouldn't even consider doing that kind of thing with him at all. Gross.
Obviously, though, Magic had to take me seriously...

I regret letting some people fall out of my life. I want to heal these separations. I'm trying.

You know when you tell someone you love them, and they just don't love you back? I know how that feels now, and I feel really bad about doing that to some of the people I know.

I go through these musical phases, and right now I'm in a Fall Out Boy/ Blue October/ Kate Nash phase. My last phase was a Breathe Carolina/ My Chemical Romance/ Linkin Park phase. Interesting.

I find myself staying up all night until four AM. This period of missing Home hasn't passed in over three months now. Right now, I mostly miss the Home that is taken up by people. I'm trying to convince them all to move here. I think it's working :) Kind of...

I love dreaming because I can be with them, and I can do whatever I want. I can fly, I can transform, I can hold his hand... Everything can be alright. Sometimes I wish I didn't wake up. I've been having the most vivid dreams lately. I mean, I can always feel and feel pain, etc., but it's all colorful and amazingly real. Occasionally I'll wake up in the middle of the night expecting him to be there. Crazy.

Princess Crazy. :) I like that.

Complaining

I just have a few random things I'd like to say today.

Some people are just messed up.

Some people need to die already.

Some people I miss terribly. Some people I love with all I have.

Some days I want to curl up and die. Today is not one of those days.

Some days I want to run away to somewhere better. Somewhere easier. I'm tired of this weather. I'm tired of the people and I'm tired of how I'm treated here. I'm expected to fit into a little box of perfection and its WRONG.

Sometimes I just want to shut out the world.

Sometimes I want to be unloved by every single guy I meet. Its impossible to just be friends with any of them. They always want more. Why do I get myself into these things?

Always I want to be understood. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I'm not physically and emotionally DROWNING.

SeriouslyAgain??

Magic and California broke up. Again. Magic comes to me for support and I give it to him. Even thugh I really don't know a whole lot about his personality, etc., I feel like I know him pretty well for t e most part.

I feel like I'm such a heartbreaker. By being in love with Protector I am breaking four other people's hearts at the same time. Finn is incredibly understanding and patient and I thank god or whatever every day for him. Wanderer wants me back...surprise surprise. But I'm in love. And Wanderer hurt me. By choice. And recently, for that matter. I'm trying to make this fair here, but its difficult.

Swan and Crane have been bugging me because they think there's something wrong. I seem distant and quiet, according to them. I'm not sure about this.

I find myself lost in the past lately. Usually its not so bad because they are good memories. Finn on the swings, the sun setting. Silence except the birds and the cars. His feet mindlessly swinging at the woodchips clearing a space beneath him.
Finn sitting on a table in the corner of the gym freshman year, finding himself swaying gently to the music. Probably not his kind of music, but he had this look on his face. A look I'll never forget.
Snowflake and I sitting in the grass picking it and making pointless piles of it. Huddling in the cold snow and wind, waiting for the buses. Her holding onto my sleeve as her eyes followed that guy she liked down the hallway. The smile on her face when she saw me walk in the door and head towards her.
The girls in study hall and how the blonde one would always have something happy to say. An infectious laughter that lit up the entire cafeteria.
Protector sitting behind me in science gently placing his foot on mine. Him sitting on the park bench, looking into my eyes so lovingly as the dog tangled her leash around our legs. How he smelled when he held me. How I never ever wanted that to end. How he laughed softly and made my heart feel like sunshine.
My room and the annoying lime green that plastered the walls. How I could wake up every day and not be afraid. How I could feel like I was home anywhere in that town.

Home. I miss getting to say that. Home.

OneMoreTime

So, over the past few days, I have either been unable to post because of sucky internet connection, or simply because I forgot. I swore to myself that I wouldn't forget about my blog, and here I am just forgetting. I read something about putting the "fun" back in "funeral" and it made me laugh. So I found what kind of flowers I want in my wedding. They are amazingly beautiful. It's a calla lily. http://www.katinkamatson.com/prints/500/white_calla_lily.a.html

Don't ask me why I'm all obsessed over my wedding lately, because I honestly don't know. For my dress, I'm thinking white with a little bit of black, just because it looks really elegant. http://image.dhgate.com/upload/20096/56/4028804b0ed1353e010ed140d58104fc/productimg1244469917967.jpg
that's one. Here's another I like, http://s2.hubimg.com/u/640005_f520.jpg

Of course, I'm wearing my mother's wedding dress, but I think that I'm going to replace the ribbon with black. Let's all hope that by the time I get married I won't gain any weight. :)

http://www.wholesalereview.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/Wedding-Dress.jpg that's kinda what my mom's looks like.

I don't know where any of my family members are besides Eagle and the dog. It's awfully quiet in here.

Yesterday, Crane and I went to the park and played frisbee for two hours in the dark. Wow, the moon was beautiful. It's like ALMOST full and the sky was clear. It was just really pretty. We got 33 catches in the dark. Beat that. But, you can't. I bet.

Protector is being a great boyfriend. I love him. Always have. Always will. How many times have I said that? Oh well.

"I love you. I really do believe it, and so does my heart, which you have brightened into so many colors, so many happy colors. Once again, thank you."

That was from a letter given to me in freshman year, from Protector. I never thought that I could be so crazy over someone even after this long. Odd, right? I guess I know how all these other guys feel about me. They must be so hurt. See, this is my problem. I just can't stop caring. It's so annoying.

ThisTime

See? I'm over you. See? I can have another boyfriend. I'm TOTALLY over you!

OK, no, I'm not. But I love him. See? I LOVE HIM. Get it?

"I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me. You can only blame your problems on the world for so long Before it all becomes the same old song. As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town. Get new passports and get get get get get out now" -Fall Out Boy

I'm going to the mall tomorrow. Does it seem like I'm going crazy to you? It sure feels like it.
You can only go so long and have your heart torn into so many pieces before you lose it all.

My best friends' birthdays are in three days. I love them both so much :)

On that same day, I am participating in an experiment called Lifeinaday. You can find it on YouTube. It's really cool. I start driving school on the second, which I am just SOOO excited for...not really. Yeah, I'd rather sit on my ass all day and do nothing, shut up.

I'm really moody and I am so sick of everyone's bullshit. I'm done with them not being able to make the right choices and not seeing how to move on.

Whew, OK, glad I got that all off my chest. I love Protector, I really do. Sometimes though, its difficult to see him going through a tough time. He told me that he's ready for a change in everything. You know what, Protector? I'm ready for a change in EVERYTHING too. I want my heart to belong to one person. This is so difficult you have no idea.

I think I'm codependent.

GirlSense..?

Girls are strange creatures. Those of which, even though I am one, don't understand.
Why do some of us need to have 7 guys at once? I came to Kenai with my question. He had a simple answer. The population of the world. There are 7 guys for every one girl out there approximately. Well this made a whole mess of sense.
And why do we have to be so mean to each other? Even when the other has done NOTHING but purely exist, the other has to bring their life down into darkness. Why?
And why do some of us backstab their best friends purely for the joy of making yourself feel better in some sick way? It doesn't make any sense, I'm telling you.
Now, I'm not really one for revenge. I believe in forgiveness. But sometimes what happens is unforgivable. But at least I don't go out looking for revenge.
Seriously, taking one of the most important guys away from me wasn't enough. Jersey really needs to get a life. I have no idea what I ever did to her. Besides attempt to steal Finn back from her. Attempt failed, obviously.

And what about Daiquiri and Greenmold? Greenmold used to be my best friend, and she stabbed me in the back, taking one of the most important guys from me. Protector. I never saw him again after they sent him away. Why would they do that? What did he do to them? He is a big teddy bear and they took advantage of that and made his life miserable to the point where he couldn't take it anymore.

This wasn't the only time it happened, but that was the worst.

I don't understand the female species at all.

LoveSecrets

Secrets, secrets are no fun unless I post them all on my blog!!!
I'm so glad no one reads this... I think.

I'm dating Protector again. I'm not sure whether to be like this, ^_^ or like this x_x. I guess I am kinda a mixture of both. He promised this was the last time forever and ever. He'll make it worth my time.
It still worries me about him getting into said trouble. And him not really getting out of said trouble... or even having a strong will to get out of said trouble.
I'm scared that a lot of people won't agree to our relationship. Despite how bad everyone thinks he is, he makes me happy. And I make him happy. I make him start to forget about what happened to start all of this decline to nothingness. Kenai will definitely be angry. So will Finn. And definitely Turtle. Probably California. I'm basically in for a whole heap of shit.

I went to church today. My family goes to a kind of science of mind church. Its more realistic than those other Christian churches. God is not some big man in the sky. I learned today about the path of life. I learned how your path sometimes is easy and flat. But sometimes the path goes up a hill or hits a few rough spots. We cannot deny these certain dark times are going to happen. We can only accept them, build from them, learn from them. We don't have to go into Death Valley and build a condo there. Just keep going. Sometimes we don't know what our purpose in life is, so the best thing to do is to keep on going.
I also learned that I shouldn't feel sorry for someone, I should bring my light to them and lift them up. Help them find themselves. Haha I feel like I am preaching. That's odd, because I don't like organized religion at all. I think its just a way of life instead of an order or a command. I think that's an easy way to live.

I found a toad last night. I was walking to get the mail with the dog and Pigeon at about 9pm. There was supposed to be a movie in the mailbox. We didn't exactly make it even four houses down before a cricket jumped on my bare feet, scaring me, and the dog started chasing after something in the street. When I found what it was, I was shocked to see a toad bigger than my entire hand. I caught it. It peed everywhere and I'm glad it didn't pee on me, because dad said that I'd get a wart. I think he was just kidding. After my family was done marveling at it and taking pictures, I put it back where I found it. He was cute. :)

RandomThings

I used to be a great artist in eighth grade. My teacher entered a few of my pictures that I did into contests and I always won first place. I never got anything special besides a ribbon. If there was money involved the school probably took it.
In fact, that school was such a money vacuum. They wanted money for this, they wanted money for that. Once was a new playground, another time was for a better lunch program, another was for educational purposes.
Back in the old days when my family was in the higher class, we would go out to eat every other night at nice restaurants. We even had a house built specifically for our family complete with heated tile floors, bathtubs with pillows, a complete guest room.
Wow those were the days.

Pigeon got me these things at the store. They are called Yan Yans. I think they are Japanese or something. But they have little words on the sticks of bread that you dip into a strawberry sauce. On one it said " Whale Biggesy Mammel." :) gotta love these foreigners trying to speak English.

MyDream

So I had this dream last night. I feel like it's a dream worth mentioning.

I was a shape-shifter. And I was apparently going to be the queen of the world's wilderness. So I had to get to know the animals and the other shape-shifters of the world. So I started my journey in somewhere cold. I was a wolf. I wasn't headed anywhere particular, just following a trail.
I ran into two other female wolves. They were sisters and one was older than the other. These two wolves were shape-shifters too. I explained to them that I was to be queen, and I asked if I could tag along with them until they reached their destination. They agreed and we walked on a trial. I believe we were going to a town named Leaf Falls. This town was a safe haven for all kinds of creatures and it was a valued city in my dream.
We all shape shifted to our "human" form. But we had huge eagle wings to fly.
We flew for a while above the trial that lead to Leaf Falls. Then we saw a huge green military helicopter fly over us. We noticed that below us, on the right of the trail was a small military station with women soldiers standing on green military posts with guns.
Leaf Falls was in sight and the green helicopter flew over it and we all saw it drop something.
It was a bomb. All three of us flew really close to the ground, we could see the aftershock coming towards us, children and mother creatures running away as fast as they could from it.
The aftershock hit us and we all fell to the ground, rolling down a hill into the military base.
The little girl tried to fly over the fence and then the women soldiers ordered us to stay, they needed to ask us some questions.
I told them I was going to be the queen and what they did to Leaf Falls was illegal and wrong. They didn't listen. The two girls began to fly towards the women soldiers on their posts and tried to take them down. There were gunshots and fire. I didn't understand.
I still don't understand.